War of Memories
by E.W.S. Miami
Summary: Book Three - Takes Suzanne Collins's Mockingjay and tells the same story from the point of view of Peeta Mellark. It is a book that shows us how Peeta, survived from going into the brink of darkness with the help of the love of his life, Katniss. This is a re-published of the original that was removed for revision
1. Chapter 1

Introduction

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my own version of Suzanne Collins's Mockingjay. The whole idea of this book is to watch the same events that occurred in the book the Hunger Games, but tell it from the point of view of another character in the book.

The character that I have decided to share from the point of view is from the baker's son, Peeta Mellark. This book dives into the inner most of Peeta's being. The way that sometimes our own memories lie to us, tell us things that we are unsure of. This is the story of how Peeta Mellark and his fight to stay alive physically. His fight to stay alive psychologically is also shown and how the love of his life helped him come back from the brink of darkness.

The whole series is about six books all written from the point of view from Peeta Mellark. It follows the three Suzanne Collins books and three after that takes into account what I believe is missing information from the ending of book three.

Thank you and now without further delay.

* * *

PART I

"Fate and Love"

Chapter One

The voices of the life that I once knew echo through my mind. "If you cannot understand the things that are before you, focus on the details."

This is something that I remember her telling me. It was right after the Hunger Games. I needed to get away, away from everyone and everything. The lies and manipulations were eating me from the inside. The camera crew had just left the day before, and everyone was starting to get back to the normal day to day life at District Twelve. It was the morning of a typical day, and I had decided to get up before anyone and slip away. I had even beaten the sun to wake up.

I was walking with no purpose or destination in mind. The birds were silent and still sleeping. No one was up, not even my father. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think, I couldn't process what was going on. I didn't understand. It wasn't until I see meadow that I found that I was at the end of the road. For some odd reason I always end up at the same place.

The one person that I do not want to see was the one person I couldn't wait to see before. I sat down at the base of the tree. The whole day, no one passed by the meadow, with the exception of some little children playing. What I wouldn't get to be that age again, not a care in the world. The reaping is something that they don't even have to worry about. No need to protect yourself, or your heart.

It was early evening when she found me there just sitting by the tree in the meadow.

"There he is, the Victor of District Twelve," Delly say. "What are you doing all the way out here?"

No one had known what I had just learned a couple of days ago. We were riding back on the train from the Capitol when we had stopped to refuel. It was still in the spring time when I had found out that the whole romance in the Games was a lie. I was betrayed by both Katniss and Haymitch our mentor, the thing that was eating at me at the moment.

"Oh hey, Delly," I say.

"Oh hey, Delly?" She repeats. "That isn't the kind of excitement that I saw on the television a couple of hours ago. You had just won the Games, and you have finally have the girl of your dreams and all you can say is 'oh hey Delly?'"

I want to just tell her everything. That I was used as a pawn in a game, to survive, that I was lost in a sea of doubt, but I couldn't. I couldn't risk her safety or her families. It would be nice to have someone to confide in. The only one I had is the one that I feel I cannot talk to. Today it seems I had to put on the façade again, pretend that I was happy.

"Oh, it is nothing Delly. I am sorry; just have a lot on my mind." I say. "With all that it means now to be a Victor."

"You mean the fame and fortune?" she says tilting her nose upward. "Don't think you would ever have to worry about letting it go to your head, Peeta. You are already a snob from the merchant families."

She laughs, and nudges me.

I look at her and laugh.

"Thanks, I needed that." I tell her. "Delly, can I ask you something?

"Of course you can," she says sitting down next to me. We both begin to throw rocks at the fence to see if we can make it to the forest.

"Have you ever had a time where you didn't understand someone, or something?" I ask.

"Well it happens a lot in school, Peeta." She says jokingly. "But I know that isn't what you mean. You mean people, misunderstandings?"

"Something like that," I say.

"Well what happens with me, is that I tend not to look at the big picture and focus on the details." She says.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"I mean that if I misunderstand something, or what someone says, I look at the details of what was said and how it was said and where and why." She says trailing off. "Well something like that, and then what I don't understand, at least I feel certain about something smaller. You get me?"

"Yeah, I get you." I say standing. "So, a snob am I?"

"Well just a little," she says making the pinch size and then opening it to a foot.

Focus on the details and not on what you don't understand. It is something that I have been repeating in my head, just to remember to focus on the smaller things, the details, so that the bigger picture doesn't seem out of focus.

Details, what are the details that I see and feel. Well I feel the tight restraints on my wrist. The cold white walls have no doors, nothing really, a long white corridor.

The Capitol soldiers had just gotten me off the hovercraft after the arena exploded. They said some rebels had sabotaged the force field, but I know that the other Victors had a secret plan to get us all out of the arena. That is another thing I have to place in the "don't understand" column.

Seems like there are a lot of things in that column and very few on the things I do understand.

The lights from the walkway come from the bottom and tops of the smooth white walls. It is a glow that tells me two things. The doors are hidden, and it is about practicality and not flashiness of the people of the Capitol. Here it is about getting something done and not caring about how it looks. At the end I see a door begin to open from the top down. It makes no sound, and I see no cameras. How did they know to open the door, is it control by motion sensors?

There I see it. In the center of the room is a simple white chair, with a tray next to it. The soldiers lose the restraints and place me in the chair. I see the straps come up and hold me into place. "Where are they?" I ask.

No one says anything; they just continue to work as I do not exist.

"Where are they?" I demand.

With one swift move, one of the soldiers swings his stun stick butt first into my jaw. The pain is almost instant; I see the white flash of stars in my field of vision. I can feel the warm liquid begin to fill my mouth. I turn my face, and spit right into his face. Saliva and blood mixed cover the helmet of the soldier.

"Take off your helmet, so I can see who it is that I am going to kill next." I say.

Guess Johanna is rubbing off on me. He wipes off the blood from his visor and both of the soldiers walk away. I see the door begin to close from bottom to top. As soon as it makes it up to the ceiling the seam of the door disappears. If I didn't know a door was there, I would never know where it is. The room is a perfect circle. White walls, white ceiling, and white floors, the lighting of the room come from the walls, just like the corridor.

There is nothing ornate on the walls or anything that I can notice. It is all just seamless, almost surgical. That is when I realize that next to me is a tray. A surgical tray. Detention and extraction was the terms the soldiers used in the arena when told where to take us. What sort of extraction would they use?

Then if on cue, the lights go off. Everything in the room turns dark as night. If my hands were free I don't think I would be able to see it in front of my face. There is no hum of the air system, or none that the normal people can hear. There is no sound coming from the outside, muffle sounds of people walking by or people talking, nothing. It is a stillness that I have never felt.

For a while my eyes stay open trying to see if they would finally get use to the darkness and be able to see some sort of details of the room. After a while I realize that it is no good, my eyes cannot see the walls, so I have no depth perception, and I cannot see the ceiling, so I have no height perception. The only thing that keeps me grounded is the feeling of the chair on my back. I can feel the restraints on my legs and arms, and one on my waist and chest; it is of a very strong material. I try to expand my chest to loosen the binds, but it is too tight.

What are they trying to accomplish by the dark room, I start to think. I start to look around and not knowing where I am looking, I can feel my heart begin to quicken. My breathing shallows and the uneasy feeling begins to become apparent. The silence creeps in. The darkness brings to mind the nightmares. Probably if I just fall asleep and dream this can all just go away. I close my eyes and force my mind to think of her. Nothing. All I see in my mind is darkness. I tell my mind, the beach, the meadow, the bakery, the training center roof, the garden, anything, and every time nothing, just darkness. I don't know if my eyes are open or closed. There is no peace of escape, just the anxiousness of reality. Think, Peeta, think. Think of a memory that you can remember. If I could just think of home, then I can feel safe again. How did it go, how did that song go?

Down in the valley, roses bloom all day. The wind…through…the…umm.

Is that how it went? My mind races to find the answer, to have some sort of confirmation. It is odd but my mind feels fuzzy. Probably I just need to relax. I take a couple of deep breaths. The restriction on the chest doesn't give me much wiggle room to breathe. In fact if I wasn't imagining things I could have shorn it has gotten tighter.

I sit there. Time doesn't quicken, it slows to a standstill, and it is eternally slow, with no end or beginning.

What time is it? It was dark when we landed, is it morning already? My body is growing numb from sitting in one spot and my mind is restless and tired. How many hours have gone by? Without having a point of reference then how can you know where you are, what time it is, or even what day it is? You can't know time, almost like you don't exist. I hear something, and turn my head to the source of the sound. I try to focus my eyes in the darkness but find that I see nothing, nothing at all. Is this what it feels like? I wonder to myself. Madness is a fine line and once you are over to it, you don't even realize it.

The lights flood on like a shock to the system. In the room stand five doctors in white clothes. When did they come into the room? The door didn't open or if not I would have seen the light from the corridor. I didn't hear them walk in, when did they come in, or did they even leave. Am I imagining it, or am I dreaming this? It is hard to pin point what is real, and what is not.

"Who are you?" I ask them. "Where am I?"

"Peeta," one responds. "My name is Dr. Erik Vassar." I look at him. It seems that he is the head doctor out of the other four. The other just walks around touching walls and having them open to reveal equipment.

"To answer your second question," he continues. "You are in a detention center."

He walks over to me and picks up a syringe from the tray. It was empty the last time. Things are appearing and disappearing before my eyes. Are my senses off, was that blast that blinded me from the arena, did it alter something. It seems like I cannot focus, and things are all fuzzy.

"You don't need that. I feel fine." I say.

"This?" He says lifting the syringe. "This is just to calm you."

"No, no, no, I am calm." I say. He walks over and I feel the sharp needle pierce my neck. The cold liquid is then pushed into my body.

He turns and looks to the other Doctors. "Doctors, would you please release the restraints, I don't think that it would be necessary." He turns and looks at me, "Do you?"

I nod no.

"Release the restraints."

One goes to a computer screen and begins to key in something. I feel the restraints loosen and finally retract. The tightness over my chest slowly dissipates. I stand up slowly.

"Are you hungry?" He asks.

"Not really," I say. Honestly I am starving. The seafood that I had in the arena has been long and in between.

"Well if you are interested, dinner is being served on the first door to the left of the corridor." He points and a door suddenly materializes and he walks through the open corridor. I quickly assess the situation. Should I go? Should I try and make a run for it? I doubt this is the same corridor as the original one. If I do make it to the hovercraft, how would I fly it?

If I go and have dinner, at least I can try to get something from him. He is trying to establish a connection, so that I lower my guard. If I go, I have to maintain my vigilance. I start to walk, and see that none of the other four doctors even pay attention to me. They continue on their work on computer screens. I walk through the door and see to my left a doorway. It isn't the same white corridor that I went originally walked through. This one had blue lights and blue floor. It is a soft sky blue, and the lights pulse at a certain intervals.

I stop at the doorway and look in. There is a single table with a metal covering on two plates. Dr. Vassar had just gotten to the table and pulls out both chairs. "Come; join me," he says. "You must be hungry."

I come in and sit in the table. I remove the metal cover. There on my plate is three slices of meatloaf and mash potatoes.

"Someone told me that this was your favorite," he says.

"How did you know, who told you?" I ask.

He places one bite into his mouth and begins to chew.

"Hmmm," he says. "How did I know? Well I didn't know, but your family told the Capitol after the last games."

I stare at the food. It could be poisoned. That is how I would do it. Well that is how I wanted to do it in the arena, make something and poison it. I look up and see that he is staring at my hesitation.

He reaches over with his fork and takes a piece of my meatloaf and a little mash potatoes and places it in his mouth.

"See," he says. "No poison. Really Peeta, if we wanted to kill you, we would have done it the moment you were taken from the arena."

"Then why didn't you?" I ask. It is the question that has been on my mind.

"Well honestly, because her life is in danger and you are the only one that can save her." He says while placing another bite in his mouth.

I take a bite of the meatloaf and find that the meat is very moist and delicious. I try to keep my expression still so that he doesn't know that I am starving.

"What did you mean by her life is in danger?" I ask.

I see he stops eating, and place the fork on the table. He looks up and motions something with his hand. I look around to see where the camera is, as we are in the room alone.

"There will be more than enough time for your questions. But now we have to get you ready." He says. "For what?" I ask,

The door opens and I see them step into the room.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

They stand there straight and waiting for me.

"Peeta if you could please go with these attendants, they will guide you to the changing room." Dr. Vassar says.

"Can you tell me what you meant, please?" I ask.

"They will tell you shortly," he says. "We will be waiting for you afterwards."

We are 'guided' to a room at the end of the blue hallway. Not like I could go back to the other room with the chair, or would want to. There is no strategy if I do not know what is going on.

The room has clothes waiting for me. "Here is your change of clothes," an attendant says. "Changing room is the door next to it. You have five minutes."

The door closes and I quickly check for anything that I can use for a weapon, a pen, a pencil, something pointy, or sharp. I check the drawers, feel up the walls, and nothing, everything is gone from the drawers. That is when I remember that the Doctor motioned for attendants, so there are cameras, and if I cannot see them there; it is no reason why there wouldn't be cameras here. I slowly rise up and take off the clothes that were my own in the Quarter Quell. I see the acid holes and remember the fog. I remember Mags and Finnick. I run my fingers through them, placing one finger through the holes.

I close my eyes and see the night sky, and can feel the unstable ground of the sand beneath my feet. I look down to my shirt and see the holes through the outerwear. I see her stripping off the outerwear and the clumps of hair that is falling out. "I look like Swiss cheese," I say.

"Well at least it didn't get through the under clothes," she says. "But that does get me hungry."

I smile and she just half laughs, our bodies are exhausted from the fog, and the salt water removal process does take a lot out of you.

These clothes although ratty and torn, do have tons of memories. They are all I have left. Memories of the good times and the memories of the ones I love.

A group of people walk in and they have cases.

"We are here to prep you," one says.

"For what?" I say.

"Well you have an appointment and were instructed to make remove all blemishes and bring you back to base beauty zero." He says.

"There is no need for this," I say.

One of them walks over to the door and signals something. A Capitol attendant walks in with the stun stick.

"Do we have an issue?" He asks.

"No issue," I say sitting down.

They begin to open their cases and I see the crèmes and lotions that Portia used back in the Training Center. My thoughts are now with my old prep team. If they are not here it is because they either escaped, not approved to see me or because they…

"Sir, please do not cry as we are applying the solutions." They tell me.

I have to wipe away the tear. Knowing if I go down that road and think about it long enough I will know the answer to question.

When they are done they bring in a mirror and I look at myself. I look exactly how I did before I went into the arena, no bruises. What is their fascination with beauty, it is an annoying little thing that they have. I finish getting dressed and now in all black. Black long sleeve button down shirt, and black dress pants. I roll up my sleeves and walk out.

I see the Capitol attendants. I note that they have restraints and stun sticks on their belts. So not the typical attendants from the train, these are ready to restraint me should they have to.

"Come with us," they say.

"Do I have a choice?" I ask.

"You always have a choice," one says. "We have our orders. Either you come peacefully, or we take you in restraints. That is your choice."

I lift up my hands and walk with them without protest. The hallway is a new hallway although I walked out of the same room. The blue hallway seems the same as the other hallway but the subtle change in color from a sky blue to a darker ocean blue leads me to believe that this is another hallway. At the end of the hall there is a room with two chairs and a television screen.

"Sit." They order. "I'll stand, thank you." I say.

That is when I feel it, the zap of electricity running through my body. It is enough to get me to my knees.

"Hurts more when you have metal on you, you know?" One says. "Remind me to thank those doctors on that leg of yours."

He leans close to me.

"Now you see me without my helmet," he says smiling. "What was that you wanted to do to me?"

Cold features of a man who has a scare on his left cheek. Ice blue eyes and a sinister looking smile. His hair is blonde and cut very short.

"Big man with a cattle prod." I say to him.

The pain radiates from the right ribs. Not a smart move Peeta. Have to remember next time not to provoke them, unless you have one of those sticks. Guessing I shouldn't be holding these ribs either, showing them where I am hurt. Too little too late. I feel someone grab the hand that is holding the ribs and as if my body knows something my mind doesn't, I feel it brace for impact. I hear a crack sound, as the steel tip of the soldier boots hits me in the ribs.

I try to cough and find that I cannot breathe. I hold out my hand the feel the arm of the chair. I let out a moan, as it is the only sound that I can muster. What was that about provoking them that I was telling myself? I lift myself to the seat and by some miracle, finally sit down.

"Thank you for sitting," he says laughing.

The pain is blinding. Breathe, I say to myself as to remind my body of what to do. In and then out. A sharp pain in the "in" portion of the breathing signals that I should take smaller breathes.

I open my eyes only to see the soldiers walk outside the room. "Would you care for something," The soldier asks the person who had just walked in.

"Tea please," I hear a voice coming from the doorway. "Oh, and a little pastry, the ones that I have reserved for today."

I feel the presence of someone sit next to me in the empty chair.

"So, Peeta," the man says. "Would you like to drink anything?"

I look up and see a man that immediately causes me to hold my breath. He wears a blue suit perfectly pressed with the neatly trimmed white beard, and unmistakable white rose on his lapel. The smell of the rose is repugnant and the smile deceiving. In the chair next to me sits the President of Panem, President Snow.

I straighten out in the chair. The movement is as painful as it is to even breathe. "No, ugh, thank you." I struggle to get out. "Little hard to breathe forgive me."

"It is quite alright," He says. "Do you need a couple of minutes to compose yourself?

"No, I am all right," I say.

"Wonderful, let's allow us the courtesy of men to be frank. Agreed?" He says.

"Agreed." I say.

"So tell me, where is she?" He asks.

"I don't know. I was supposed to stay by the lightning tree, but everything turned to chaos." I say.

"Ah, yes, well I know you are dying to know what happened after you left the tree." He says. "Let's see what happened shall we? Please run the footage."

There is no one in the room, so this means that not only is the room wired for video, it is also wired for sound. I look to the screen. The Capitol seal comes on and then I see the last day in the Quarter Quell. This looks like it is the unedited version of what was broadcasted to Panem on that day. I think about the reasoning why I would be watching this and with President Snow no less. The only reasoning behind this is to judge my reaction to the events that are shown, to see if I am lying or telling the truth. It fades in and I see her. I see her hands holding my face. I can still feel it on my chin. Her warm small hands holding me there and kissing me lightly. It is almost enough to break me, and cause a tear to come down my cheek but I hold back, willing my body to hold all reactions.

I see Katniss and Johanna running down to the beach. Then all of the sudden the wire is cut. They show that it is Enobaria who cuts the wire. I can remember trying to get answer from Finnick and Beetee only to see the wire coil back. Pretty soon everything will go crazy and it will be a free for all battle to the end. I dig into the arms of my chair when I see Johanna smash the metal cylinder into her head and rip out the transmitter.

My face tenses, and my eyes burn with anger. To think that Johanna Mason was an ally it seems laughable now. Why would she smash the cylinder into her head if she needed to get her to the lightning tree? What was the plan? I see her stumbling to the tree, bleeding from her arm. If I had known, I would have stayed there. I had a choice, to go look for her probably never finding her, or stay at the tree and never know and having her die in the arena. I obviously picked the wrong choice. If I had stayed I would have seen her at least one last time. I can feel the single tear fall down my cheek.

Finnick and Enobaria finally get to the tree and then leave looking for her, or for the rest of us, who knows. I see her grab the knife, and the wire. She shoots the arrow with the wire to the sky and then the boom.

I still remember it. It knocked me to my feet. Blinded me with the sky and deafen my ears to any sound. The hovercraft appears and the claw grabs her, Beetee and Finnick. I see Enobaria running to the tree but get tackled by the soldiers.

The seal comes on and then the television is turned off. "You understand what this means?" President Snow says.

"We didn't know. She had no idea." I say. "It makes no sense."

"The thing is Peeta; you need to realize that only you have the ability to save her now. She has been taken by extremist. They attack people and have killed them, people in their own Districts. They cause people to starve. Do they realize that by provoking us, we can and probably will level where they are hiding?" He says. "I never wanted this, and would solve this amicably if I could."

I look at his face. There is no "tell." I cannot read him. His eyes are focused on mines. There are no stress lines, there are no nervous ticks. Could it be that he requested the Capitol to erase any ticks any stress lines from his face? Whatever it maybe there is no way to know if he is lying or telling the truth.

"There isn't anything that I can do," I say. "She wouldn't listen to me then. She has never listened to me."

"My boy, I know from your reaction that you care for her, and know that I only want her to be safe." He says.

No one is buying this, but I have to maintain myself from laughing. If he had the chance he would shoot her himself. If only I had found something sharp or taken one of the stun stick, I would gladly remove the problem in a second. All I can do is smile and pretend that I am not thinking thoughts of killing the President.

"I am not saying that you do anything. All I want you to do is weigh what we have shown and to say what you know."

I hear the clinking of the spoon on the tea cup. He takes a sip from his tea.

"My, what a delicious cookie, I had it prepared for this special occasion," he says. I catch a glimpse of the cookie as he lifts it to inspect it. There is a design of a dandelion on it. "It would be a shame if we couldn't get these ever again."

Just like that. I can understand Katniss and her previous conversation with President Snow. The way he has manipulated the situation by threatening family members, is something that I thought she was imagining. Now by this simple little comment of never getting those types of cookies and I know that he means to kill my family if I am unable to tell the rebels to stop their plans.

"It would be a shame." I say.

He smiles stands and places the tea on the nearby table.

"It was nice speaking with you, Peeta," he says.

The door opens and closes behind him. I just sit there trying to think of a way to do this. When so much is riding on it, how can you convince everyone? Sponsors from the Capitol is easy, they all come from the same area and have the same thought process, but how do you change the minds of everyone in the Districts who are rebelling? There sufferings are different from the Capitol which has none.

Just then the door reopens and I see it is same soldiers from the previous times. From the frequency of the times I have seen them; it might mean that I have been assigned these specific soldiers to 'guide' me through the Detention Center. There is one thing that is pressing in my mind; I haven't seen either Johanna, or Enobaria. Are they being kept in a different location of the Detention Center? The only one that would be opened to answer questions would be the doctor. What sorts of horror they are going through, I wonder.

I walk towards the doorway. They point to the left. I walk down the hallway to a glass room.

"Wait here," they say.

The room is totally circular and visible all the way around even the ceiling and flooring is clearly visible. It stands in the center of a larger room. There are only two chairs and a table. I sit down on the chair and can see people walking. It is a lot cooler than the other rooms I have been in. I see two people talking to each other with clip boards. They are going over a time table, as they look at their watches.

The chairs are plush velvet sofa like the ones that we had when we won the Hunger Games a year ago. In fact, the table even looks the same from the Training Center. I look around in my chair to see if I spot him. The door slides open and I see him walk in smiling. I don't know whether to be happy to see him or not. He extends his hand to greet me. I stand to my feet and greet him properly.

"Peeta, it is wonderful seeing you," he says. "Hopefully you haven't been waiting long?"

"It is great seeing you as well," I say.

"You ready?" He asks.

"Ready for what?" I respond.

"Well; for the broadcast, surely they have let you know?" He says.

"I have been literally in the dark," I say.

I take in the entire situation. Have been fed, prepped, and coached on what to say and how to respond. It hits me that the Games aren't over. They are going on right now. There is no Portia, there is no Katniss, and there is no Haymitch, or even Effie to help me. I am all alone in this. Now there stands the person who will either help or hurt my chances of survival. There stands in his sparkly suit, and golden styled curls, Caesar Flickerman.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

The room is clean and without any ornaments or cameras. Is this a place that we talk about things before the actual show? Do we have to go to the Capitol for the filming? The questions start to form in my mind. How far are we from the Capitol? If I were able to get out, where would I run, for how far and in what direction?

"So Caesar, where are we having the interview?" I ask.

"Well, right here, right now," he says laughing. "In fact we are about to start."

I look around, and he start to laugh."Looking for the camera?" He asks.

"Yes," I say.

"Well let's begin shall we?" He says.

All of the sudden the walls turn a dark black color. Then the most curious thing happens, the ground turns into the stage of the interview room in the Capitol. The ceiling becomes the stage lighting. I can feel the hot lights on me, and even can see the lighting on my hands. I lift up my hands to see how the light touches my skin and how warm it is.

"How?" I say shocked.

He smiles.

I see it start from one side and run all the way to the other. The entire circular room has now become the studio where we would always have our interviews.

The image of the reporter comes to mind. They could easily make any image, anytime, any background, all you need is yourself. We are literally in the studio. The crowd is even there. I can hear the whispers and I can hear the music of the anthem. I start to think about all that I have to do in such a short limited time. If a performance has to be flawless this would have to be it. Never have I been able to convince her, but probably if I can convince the others that are fighting with her. There isn't that much time. We barely escaped the last time this happened and now more people are dying and quicker too. Don't they realize that?

"Remember just look at the camera," He says.

"The camera?" I say confused.

That is when I see it, in the image of the studio is the video representation of a camera man.

"Welcome, welcome, to a special broadcast," He introduces. "We have with us half of the star cross lovers of District Twelve, Peeta Mellark."

There is sound of applause and I can't help but to smile at the fact of how easily people can be manipulated.

"So…Peeta…welcome back." He says. "Too bad that your other half isn't here with you.

"I bet you thought you'd done your last interview with me Caesar." I say smiling slightly.

"I confess, I did," he says. "The night before the Quarter Quell…well, who ever thought we'd see you again?"

"It wasn't part of my plan, that's for sure," I say. Those words "part of the plan" remind me of the importance of this, because last time things didn't go as planned. A lot of people died because things didn't go according to plan. I am here in this horrible place of lies because of the plans of others. This time there is no plan, only to survive, only to save her if I can.

Caesar comes in a little bit closer. "I think it was clear to all of us what your plan was. To sacrifice yourself in the arena so that Katniss Everdeen and your child could survive."

"That was it. Clear and simple." I say. The words he uses, my plan, is to establish that there were others with other plans. I don't like where this is going, Caesar might just use Katniss as if she knew the plan. She couldn't have, she would have told me. I have to take control of the flow and guide Caesar where I want him to go, not the other way around. "But other people had plans as well."

I think about it for a while. Everyone had a plan, and this time she wasn't part of it. Not like last time where everyone was in on it, except me. She promised me in District Eleven that I would be informed, even though that decrepit drunk had his own plan. If I could just have him for a couple of minutes alone, what would I do? It is scary to think of what I am capable of, if anything. I have to hold onto my humanity. I have to stay with the things that my father told me. The tree by the meadow.

'_Never let them change who you are, who you are inside. Who we are, is the last place that they should never have.'_

The things I have to remind myself and not let myself go over to that dark side. The arena, the games, it changes you. It changes you in ways that if you are not careful you don't even realize it. All this killing, it changes you.

"Why don't you tell us about the last night in the arena?" Caesar says. "Help us sort a few things out."

I nod and begin to think about it. My mind still fuzzy unable to focus, the details are in there just have to focus.

"That last night…to tell you about that last night…well, first of all, you have to imagine how it felt in the arena. It was like being an insect trapped under a bowl filled with steamed air."

I can still feel it. The humid air, the inability to sometimes breathe, the hot water that you had to force your body to drink to hydrate, all memories that I never want to revisit, there are things that I want to forget,

My body tenses, everything that happens although small or large it changes you. Things that you remember they control you if you let it.

"And all around you jungle, green and alive and ticking. That giant clock ticking away your life. Every hour promising some new horror. You have to imagine that in the past two days, sixteen people have died - some of defending you. At the rate things are going, the last eight will be dead by morning. Save one. The victor. And your plan is that it won't be you."

The images run through my mind. Countless senseless deaths, you try to keep your humanity, and find that all they want to do is to strip you of it. I can still remember what I told her on the roof of the Training Center before our Games.

'_I don't want them to change me in there. Turn me into some kind of monster that I'm not.'_

The memories are the hardest things, because it shows you were you have failed. I hardly recognize myself. How did I become this way? Where did I lose my way? Would my father be proud of a man who would kill without hesitation? Our mentor, how I hate him for it, that stupid old man, that drunk Haymitch I can still hear it from the memories that I have.

'_A fool would believe that she will hesitate if she had a shot. She wouldn't, but the real question is, if you had the opportunity to kill her, would you?'_

I hate him for changing me. It is worst I hate myself for allowing myself to change.

"Once you're in the arena, the rest of the world becomes very distant," I say. "All the people and things you loved or cared about almost cease to exist. The pink sky and the monsters in the jungle and the tributes who want your blood become your final reality, the only one that ever mattered. As bad as it makes you feel, you're going to have to do some killing, because in the arena, you only get one wish. And it's very costly."

"It costs your life," Caesar says.

"Oh, no. It costs a lot more than your life. To murder innocent people?" I say. "It costs everything you are."

It changes you. You lose a part of who you are.

"Everything you are," Caesar repeats.

Everyone goes quiet, and you can feel that this moment I have everyone's attention.

"So you hold on to your wish. And that last night, yes, my wish was to save Katniss. But even without knowing about the rebels, it didn't feel right. Everything was too complicated. I found myself regretting I hadn't run off with her earlier in the day, as she had suggested. But there was no getting out of it at that point."

"You were too caught up in Beetee's plan to electrify the salt lake," Caesar responds.

"Too busy playing allies with the other." The emotions that I had in check seem to have rise to the surface. I lost her, because I wasn't paying attention. She is in this situation because I was too busy looking at the bigger picture instead of focusing on her. I had become selfish, wanting more time with her, a life with her. "I should have never let them separate us!" I yell. "That's when I lost her."

"When you stayed at the lightning tree, and she and Johanna Mason took the coil of wire down to the water," Caesar explains to the fake audience.

"I didn't want to!" I say. Oh how I didn't want to leave her. I wanted to stay. "But I couldn't argue with Beetee without indicating we were about to break away from the alliance. When that wire was cut, everything just went insane. I can only remember bits and pieces. Trying to find her. Watching Brutus kill Chaff. Killing Brutus myself. I know she was calling my name. Then the lightning hit the tree, and the force field around the arena…blew out."

"Katniss blew it out, Peeta." He corrects me. "You've seen the footage."

"She didn't know what she was doing. None of us could follow Beetee's plan. You can see her trying to figure out what to do with that wire," I snap back.

"All right. It just looks suspicious," says Caesar. "As if she was part of the rebels' plan all along."

That is when I see it as Caesar turns to the fake camera. There is a small communicator in his ear. Someone is feeding him the questions to ask. Someone is telling Caesar on how to provoke me to respond. There is only one person who would be feeding him these questions. Only one who would be interested in knowing her intentions.

I am on my feet looking straight into the eyes of Caesar Flickerman. The anger boiling inside me, being only contained by what I have to say, to say this as clearly as I can.

"Really? And was it part of her plan for Johanna to nearly kill her? For that electric shock to paralyze her? To trigger the bombing?!" I yell in his face. "She didn't know, Caesar! Neither of us knew anything except that we were trying to keep each other alive!"

Caesar lifts his hand and places it in my chest. I can only imagine how many of the Capitol Soldiers that are assembled outside the room ready to stun me or even kill me in a second. Calm yourself, I tell myself, do not let them provoke you. This is their game. I hear her voice in my mind.

'_I do not want to be another piece in their games,'_

"Okay, Peeta, I believe you." Caesar says.

"Okay," I say.

I take a deep breath, run my hands through my hair and sit back in my chair. I stare at the floor trying to think of other things, I try to think of her.

"What about your mentor, Haymitch Abernathy?" Caesar asks.

The thought of it, and I cannot hide my emotions. The one who has manipulated us from the beginning, the one who was suppose to keep us from dying? He did everything he was suppose to but didn't warn us of what it would cost us, the constant nightmares, and the inability to trust anyone. He has done something worst than the Capitol has ever done, he has rob us of who we are. The Games didn't take us, the manipulative games did. I can still remember the fact that I couldn't trust her after our Games. The one person that I have loved forever and I saw her differently. She would have never done that, if he had never suggested it.

"I don't know what Haymitch knew." I say as sternly as I can.

"Could he have been part of the conspiracy?" he asks.

Could he have been a part? Just a part? If I knew any better, he wasn't only just a part he was the cause. Of course I cannot mention this without endangering her; they are tied together at the moment.

"He never mentioned it," I say.

"What does your heart tell you?" Caesar says.

This is out of character for Caesar, or probably this is the real Caesar asking and pushing until we reveal what we know.

"That I shouldn't have trusted him," I say. "That's all."

There you go, Caesar try to make an answer out of that. Caesar pats me on the shoulder. "We can stop now if you want."

"Was there more to discuss?" I say.

"I was going to ask your thoughts on the war, but if you're too upset…" Caesar starts to say.

This is my opportunity to make my case to the rebels; to do what Snow asked me, or rather manipulated me into it.

"Oh, I'm not too upset to answer that." I say. I look straight into the 'camera,' take a deep breath. I have to convince them, convince at least one person.

"I want everyone watching-whether you're on the Capitol or the rebel side-to stop for just a moment and think about what this war could mean. For human beings. We almost went extinct fighting one another before. Now our numbers are even fewer. Our conditions more tenuous. Is this really what we want to do? Kill ourselves off completely? In the hopes that-what? Some decent species will inherit the smoking remains of the earth?"

Caesar begins to interrupt. "I don't really…I'm not sure I'm following…"

"We can't fight one another, Caesar," I tell Caesar. "There won't be enough of us left to keep going. If everybody doesn't lay down their weapons-and I mean, as in very soon-it's all over, anyway."

"So…you're calling for a cease-fire?" Caesar asks.

"Yes. I'm calling for a cease-fire," I say. I hope that they were able to catch the real message in this. That very soon, President Snow will order to strike down the rebels and the people of the District. I knew that the people like Caesar wouldn't get it. Katniss please see what I am saying. I did all that I can. I warned her as much as I can.

"Now why don't we ask the guards to take me back to my quarters so I can build another hundred card houses?" I ask.

Caesar turns to the camera. "All right. I think that wraps it up. So back to our regularly scheduled programming."

The red light on the fake camera turns off and the illusion is done. The room turns back to the clear round room. Outside the door are five guards waiting to take me. The door opens and they come into the room.

I stand, shake his hand.

"Thank you Caesar, for everything." I say.

The guards take me through the room and point down the hallway through a door. In this room is the doctor.

"Peeta, please sit," he motions to me to sit on a doctor's type chair. Something about the way he says it doesn't seems like a good idea.

"My leg is bothering me a little, is it okay if I stand?" I ask.

"Sit and let me take a look at your leg." He says. His voice is not insistent but his actions state otherwise. "If you need assistance, I can ask someone to help you?"

The difficulty I still have trying to breath lets me know that I have to pick my battles. I nod and sit in the chair. The electrical current is immediate and I cannot move. A tray is moved towards me with a syringe.

"You will find that the electrical current is not the same as the ones in the hovercraft," He begins. "These particular current freezes all muscular function even your vocal chords so no talking."

I see he lifts the syringe and another doctor brings a metal briefcase. They place it on the table and input a code to get to open. The briefcase hisses as it opens and I can see the cold air escape from the briefcase. Inside there are three vials, one green, blue, and red.

"Hmm, which color should I pick," He says. "I think we will go with green."

He injects the syringe into the vial and slowly extracts the green liquid. I close my eyes. I picture her, and I can hear her telling me that she is with me. Whatever happens at least I know she isn't here, I just hope she survives what is going to happen.

I open my eyes and see a nurse had come inside and has started to unbutton my shirt. They grab a swab and place alcohol on it. A razor is given to the nurse who shaves a small square on my chest. Then they swab the area and I see the syringe coming. Each step is like a death sentence, I try to force my hands to move or even my legs, and there is nothing that happens. I am powerless to stop it.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

I want to forget what is going to happen. Forget how I got here. Forget whose fault it is, and just finally disconnect from them. The ones who hold me here, the love that have for me, keeps me here.

My eyes closed as I feel the piercing of the needle through my chest. The pressure of the liquid begin injected into my body causes an immediate reaction of intense cold.

"Did you know that the heart is a muscle," He says. "It pumps blood to our brains and our organs. If the muscle was to slow down or speed up it can cause it to stop altogether."

He looks at the syringe.

"Amazing thing, this serum," he says. "Nurse you can remove the electrical field. So sorry about that, the serum can only be delivered with a high charge electrical field; it was the way it was bioengineered."

I start to move my hands and feet. Nothing feels different. "Easy now," he says. "The serum does take a little out of you, even the strongest subjects before you some couldn't even handle it. There were tons of trials and this is the most stable we have made this compound."

A little out of me, how about I feel like someone has zap my whole energy it feels like every single muscle that my body has, had a workout for thirty days straight with no rest. Even my eye lids feel tired if that is even possible.

"What do you want from me?" I finally ask.

"You know what? You are the first person to ask this question first. Typically many people just ask the question 'what does the serum do?' Things like that, but no, you my boy are special. I can tell from the way your mind works. You study people, just like you are studying me right now. It was just like you studied Caesar through the interview. Each answer carefully worded. You guided the interview not the other way around."

I am woozy and have to sit down. I stumble and almost fall before I catch the table to hold me up.

"So to answer your question, Peeta Mellark from District Twelve, son of the baker, what is it that I want from you?" He repeats. "From me, I don't want anything from you. This right here is pure joy to see how you react to the serum. My bosses however have a different result that they are looking for. They are looking for the location."

"What are you talking about? What location?" I ask.

"The rebel base location and think very hard before you answer." He says.

How would I know where it is? Even if I did, would I disclose it. I look to the ground and straight to think of a way out of this. Obviously the serum does something to convince me to talk but what? I look at him; analyze what he said, knowing full well that he knows that I am trying to come up with the most prepared answer I could imagine.

"Honestly Dr. Vassar, I don't know where the location is." I say.

"You know what? I believe you, but here is the thing. We sometimes don't know things because we have not been told directly, we hear things indirectly. So before I show you what happens when you give me a wrong answer. I will ask you again. Where is the rebel base location?" he says. "Take your time and think."

"I don't need more time, I am telling you the truth, I don't know. No one told me directly or indirectly so…" I start to say.

As I am trying to finish the sentence a strong electrical charge forces me to the ground. I look up to see where the guard is, where the stun stick is, and find no one is near me. The nearest person Dr. Vassar is more than ten feet away.

"What…" I start to say. This time I am on the ground holding my hands and convulsing on the ground. The current that runs through my body quickens my heart. There are no thoughts that I can think of, other than the pain. There are no words to ask for it to stop. I black out.

Darkness fills my mind. Nothing but utter darkness, until flashes, and a cold bucket of water wakes me up.

"Wha…wha…the hell?" I say gasping for air.

"Ah! Peeta, welcome back." I hear over the speaker. "Did you see it?"

"What….are….you..talking…about?" I say.

"The white tunnel, they say that when you die, you see a white tunnel. I have always wondered about that." He says.

"I…don't …understand," I say.

"Well you died a couple of hours ago." He says laughing. "So let's get back to the questions, shall we?"

"How….did…" I start to say.

"Oh, you want to know how we did that? Well the serum that I injected can either speed up your heart to stop, or start it up again. A heart attack if you will. The electrical current either stops it or restarts it. I heard it is quite painful the amount of voltage the human body can take is marvelous. Well I can tell from the painful cries you did." He says.

I look around. The fear has crept into my mind. They can kill me, only to bring me back.

"Let's try again. This time let's see if we cannot get a right answer." He says.

"Wait! I don't know, really I don't." I say.

"Hmm," he says. "Nope sorry,"

The voltage causes my body to writhe in pain. The current runs through me, enveloping every inch of my body until it feels like I cannot bear it. It stops.

"Don't want you going just yet." He says. "We can tell just about when you are about to go."

I get up and grab a chair. I toss it towards the wall hoping that it would shatter something, but it only bounces back.

"What do you want from me?!" I scream and collapse on the floor. "I don't know anything."

I cannot begin to count the number of times, my body tensed from the oncoming electrical shocks. The screams, I don't know if I am conscience or if it was just my body crying for it stop. The banging of the ground from my body flopping around trying to get control of my whole body, I don't know how much more of this I can take. It must have been going on almost the whole day, until finally he stops.

"I think that is enough for today," he says. "But what joy, we get to do this again, tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day. Don't you realize Peeta, we can go at this forever, until you tell me what I want to know." I feel the guards come and drag me by my arms. Just the touch of someone hands on my flesh causes me to flinch in agony from the rawness my skin feels. I can still smell the burning flesh. My burning flesh, see the smoke rising from my thigh.

"Why don't they just kill me," I mutter out.

One of the guards goes near. "You don't get it, they already did. We lost count the number of times you were just killed."

I see a cell. A metal cell with two strong padlocks. They open the door and toss me into the dark. The door slams and I can do is flinch in pain at the very sound of the door closing. It is only seconds but I check to see the bruises all over my body.

"Let's see," one of the guards said. "Who do we take next? Who would know the answer?"

Another guard next to him points to the cell next to me. They both smile and let out a laugh.

"You are sadistic one. The redheads?" he says as he reaches for the keys. Opening the cell I see the guard take the girl. The horror in her eyes and I know who it is. It is the red-head girl that was our servant in the Training Center.

What could an Avox know? How could she even say an answer? The horror in her face as she is taking down back to the room is something that is burned in my face. Looking up I see the lights flicker on and off.

The screaming, please stop it. It is like hearing an animal being slowly killed. I don't know how much she could take, how long she was there. But when the guard came back, all I could hear is laughter.

"Didn't last long," he says. "Remind me to use less voltage on the other red-head."

The flashes of consciousness as I see them drag off Darius come back and forth, back and forth. The screams from him as they cut pieces of him off. The blood trail that is left on the hallway. Just like that, they came back without him, and I know that he is gone.

They stop at my cell.

"They didn't give anything," he says. "Someone must have gotten their tongue. I wonder though, how much this other one here can take."

He taps the door to the other side of me.

"You still in there," he says. "Or is the fight finally out of you?"

They start laughing and begin to move away through the door.

I hear a faint crying next to me. I crawl next to the wall. I wonder who it is. Could it be a Capitol trick? There is a mumbling that I cannot make out the voice or who it is.

I tap on the wall.

"Hello?" I whisper. "Anyone there?"

I listen in for a response. Who could it be? It could be either Johanna or Enobaria.

"Johanna?" I say. "Is that you? Are you okay?"

Nothing. Suddenly I hear it.

"The water is rising, the water is rising, no no, stop, the water is rising," I hear her say through the crying.

What torture could have befallen Johanna that she would be acting like Nuts. It is without warning the shaking uncontrollably. I clench my hands as I feel a sudden burst of electrical charge go through my body. My back bounces off the wall; I place my hands on the wall and the floor to force my body to stop shaking.

The Victors of the Hunger Games, reduced to a shadow of their former selves. I hear the screams of another person in the distance. The seizing finally stops and I'm breathing heavy now. Feel the shirt filled with sweat.

"Peeta?" the voice next to me calls out.

"Yeah?" I respond.

"Think you can get started on my painting now?" she asks.

I can't help but to laugh, which causes immediate pain from my ribs.

"Sorry, must have left my paint set in my other clothes," I respond.

"What did they do to you?" She asks.

"Inject some liquid that causes me to have tremors, and heart attacks. They said that I died countless times." I tell her.

"You have been gone for almost two weeks." She says.

"How is that possible? It was only yesterday that we got here." I say. "They put me in a dark room, and I could have sworn it was only for a couple of hours."

"How could you really know?" She says.

I still do not trust her. Not after I saw what she did to Katniss, but she would be the only one for sure to know how long we have been here.

"Seen Enobaria?" I ask.

"No, but can hear her just fine," she says.

I hear the screams coming from the room down the hall. It is almost too much to bear, not knowing what sort of torture she was going through, all this for some ideology that may not work, that may not survive.

"Do you know when they will come?" she asks.

"Who?" I ask.

"The rebels." She says. "I don't think they would leave us here to die."

Something about the question that doesn't ring true. If there would be anyone who was in the inner circle of knowledge, it would be Johanna. I don't think even Enobaria would know. She was always so secretive, and now that I think of it, always talking with Finnick. Finnick, and Mags was in our group, and Johanna and Beetee was in the other group. The Careers knew about the plan but from what I can tell from Brutus never really followed the plan. Chaff had always been Haymitch's friend, and when he protected me in the end I knew he was part of the rebels.

I have to thread very carefully, seeing how I cannot see her but only hear her. It could be the Capitol trying to use Jabberjays to solicit information that honestly I don't know.

"Honestly I don't know." I respond.

How did they know about the painting? Did they have cameras in the elevators? I wouldn't doubt it.

"How could you not? Wasn't Haymitch planning the whole thing?" She asks.

There it is. It isn't Johanna, if not she would know that Haymitch was involved in it. She would have that information. The only ones that I believe didn't know was me and Katniss. We were too busy keeping ourselves alive to worry about the rebellion.

The thought of what information they are trying find out let's me know that they are not really looking for where they are, but who else is involved.

The interview brings to mind the questions that Caesar asked.

'_What does your heart tell you?'_

They weren't happy with the answer of not trusting him; they want me to say it. If I mention anyone it would more than likely place them in danger.

"Was always the one left in the dark. Even in the previous Hunger Games, Katniss and I didn't even know the strategy, we were told to go with our instincts." I respond.

The lights fizzle on and off like the amount of electricity being used is enough to drain the whole grid. I can fill it building up inside of me. It is a sort of anticipation, in the pit of my stomach. It is faint but I know what is coming.

My body convulses, and I have to hold on. The images in my head jumble around and the voice of Johanna trails off as I am unable to focus on anything but the pain of being shaken to death. The pain in my ribs is amplified every time these convulsions happen.

Finally they begin to subside and I left there holding my ribs trying hard not to pass out. Before I am able to catch my breath I feel another one coming. It is only a matter of seconds before I am able to prepare myself. This time the charge is enough to cause me to scream out in pain. I am banging on the walls with my legs and arms. They are fraying all over the place. I can feel my artificial leg come loose and hit the door. The darkness embraces me and I welcome it. If this is my final death then let it be at least the pain will stop.

My body feels like it is coming apart at the seams. Probably now I can rest and can finally stop worrying about Katniss, stop missing her. I have to, if not I wouldn't be able to let go. Although I had given my word that she would survive something inside of me still is holding onto the dream of being with her. My mind tells my heart to let go, but my heart says I can't.

It is a battle that happens tonight. Not a battle to survive but to finally surrender. For most of the time in darkness I know that life is worth living, only if it was with her.

The alarms quickly bring my mind to focus and I see that there are bombs exploding over head. I look around but find that I do not know where I am. I see people rushing by and in the distance I see a child running for her mother. In a second I look up and see someone, a soldier, take aim.

I yell out to stop to the child or the soldier, whoever would listen, but find that no one hears me. I hear the shot, and see the child be shot dead feet from her.

I run towards the mother and the child only to see a crowd of people floods the streets. I push them trying to make it to the child.

In the distance all I can hear is the mother crying and know that the crying is for her fallen child. I see her hunch over. She is in a hooded jacket, covering her face. I can see her crying by the bobbing up and down of her body. She is hunch over crying over the child. Everything is chaos and I hear people screaming and crying, gun fire in the distance. I have no idea where I am. There is no street signs or landmarks to know where, what District, is this the Capitol. I find that my mind wants to stop walking, but my heart continues to bring the steps towards her. There is a sudden feeling of dread come over my heart. I am just about to reach out to the mother to offer my condolences, when I see a little bit of her dress, a plaid red dress.

I cover my mouth in shock. It can't be. I walk around the mother and find that it is a horrible thought. I finally see the mother's face and see the long braid down her shoulder. I see Katniss and a child dying. Around the child's neck something catches my sight, it is a locket. I see her hand grasping it, not wanting to let it go.

In a bit of sudden release of emotion, Katniss raises her head. The hood falls down and she looks up to the sky. The grey eyes staring to the sky.

"Peeta!" she screams out. "Where are you?!"

"I am here," I say, but she doesn't look like she can hear me. "Katniss I am here."

She looks down and scoops up her child on her lap. She holds the child caressing her, and moving her hair away from her face. She is crying uncontrollably. She rocks her, and starts to sing through the tears. You could barely hear the song, but it is a soft lullaby. She is remembering the death of Rue.

"Your daddy is coming, just you wait. You will be okay." She whispers. That is when it hits me. The little child that is dying in the streets from gun fire is my child.

She closes her eyes, and she holds her in her arms. She lays her and kisses her on her forehead.

"Sleep now and we will see each other again someday." She says.

I fall to my knees. Clutch my hands to my face.

"No," I say. "Not this. Not like this."

The tears flow freely. I open my eyes forcing my vision to focus, but I cannot make out her face. I can see her blonde hair braided in two. She is holding a teddy bear that I recognize as mines. I want to reach to her, but can't as if I know that I would never be able to hold her.

If this is what my life is to be if I were to ever get out of her then what sort of life could have a child taken by war.

I reach out and touch her little hand, but cannot feel her. She is only a distant memory, a loving desire in my heart to one day. I shake my head. No this is not what I should be doing. Not one day. It would never happen.

"Please stop," I whisper. "Let this end, this is worst than dying."

I open my eyes and I see the ground. She is no longer there. I look up and find the crowd has disappeared. I look; trying to find her.

"Katniss!" I yell out. "Katniss!"

I run towards the alleys and into the next street. There is no one to be found. I break into the apartment building and up the stairs. There is no one. I touch the chair and it turns to dust. I see it in my hands. The wind just takes its away. I run out to the street and trip and fall on the little child's red bicycle. I stay on the ground, and I feel the gravel with my hands and the warm asphalt on my cheek.

Let them kill me, it is better than this. Anything is better than this. If they do not stop the war, everyone will die, family will be killed. I close my eyes, wishing for the oblivion to take me now and give me the peace of no further torture.

When I open them, it seems that fate has given me another day. I see the smooth concrete floor of my cell. I feel a looming presence over me, and am shocked to see Dr. Vassar staring at me.

"Have something to show you," he says with an evil grin.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

Dr. Erick Vassar is a man of a normal statute. He is an older gentleman and seems that he is in good shape. The Capitol accent is not as obvious as the others, telling me that he has not lived in the Capitol all of his life. He wears glasses and is always clean shaven. His hands are slender and without calluses, causing me to make the assumption that he has never done much physical labor. He always has this white lab coat on with a black band on the right arm. It has numbers printed on it as sort of an identifier of sort. He is always calm and never raises his voice. I haven't been able to get a straight answer from him, because he seems to always avoid the questions that I ask. He is a man that although just a doctor, he is held as sort of the director of the facility.

He walks slowly out of my cell. This is the man who has started these nightmares, who have reduced my body to something that I cannot control. If it is anything that he wants to show me, I definitely do not want to see it. If he wants me to come with him, then I will make it a difficult task. If they want me they are going to have to kill me.

That is when I see them walk in, the guards from yesterday. In their hands they have restraints ready. I slowly stand to greet them. They smile at me. I crack my neck from side to side and lift my legs to my chest to stretch. They stand back a little, confused on what is happening. That is when I lift up my fists.

"Come and earn your breakfast," I say and smile.

They come inside the five by eight cell. That is when I realize that this is to my advantage, because they cannot come at me from the rear of the cell. The tight cell allows me to have to fight only one guard. They cannot fit more than that in the cell at a time, so I know there is no way they can gang up on me. I see the stun stick in his hand.

Knowing how they are always going to lead with the stun stick I can make sure that he would try to stab me with it. Like the obvious, he leans in with the stick, but quickly retreat as my fist meets his face. While stunned by the fist, I grab his arm that is holding the stun stick underneath my arm. I press it against the wall. This causes me to immobilize his hand and in turn the stun stick. He tries to pull out and in that distraction he finds that my foot smashes into his chin.

I hear the crack from the bone and know that the immediate scream is of a crack bone.

"Hurts don't it?" I say.

He falls to the ground and I release his hand. That is when I see him come in. The same smug grin from other day. I can still feel the sting from the crack ribs as I try to breath. You can still hear the wheezing coming from my mouth as I struggle to keep myself from collapsing. He walks into the cell, the other one still on the ground yelling something about a broken leg. He looks at him and gives a little nod of approval.

"Not bad, but let's see how you do against me," he says.

I lift up my fist and am prepared to do battle, when I start to feel the same sensation creeping up. I push it back down, not letting it over power me. The tremors will not win out today. They do not have control of me; I have control of my own body.

I see Dr. Vassar looking a little confused.

"Sorry, Doc, not right now," I say.

He comes in with his left which I block and counter with my right. My fist lands on his ribs and I can hear the grunt coming from him. He pushes me off him.

"Enough of this, I have no time for these games," I hear the good Doctor say. "Turn on the electrical field."

"But sir, one of our own is inside." He responds.

The moment of distraction is enough time for the guard to land a blow to my face. I spit out the blood that has now accumulated in my mouth. That is when I feel the current come from the floor filling the room. The electrical field freezes both of us in place.

A nurse comes in and injects me with something in my neck. Immediately I feel my body give out and my eyes closed.

The freezing cold water jolts me awake. I find myself immediately looking around to see where I am. I see a television screen in front of me and a sterile white room. The doctors and nurses are walking around me. I try to move my hand but find that I have been restrained to a chair. Arms, legs, and chest all tied to a chair and that seems to be bolted to the ground.

"Oh good, you are awake." Doctor Vassar says. "We had to run some test on you and couldn't wait any longer from your morning exercise."

"Sorry to disappoint you," I say.

"On the contrary, Peeta," He responds. "You have been quite the surprise. Your body has adapted to the serum and you are now able to control its affect, well minimally."

I start to test the restraints and find the more I struggle the more tightly they get.

"New designs," He says. "They tighten every time you try to loosen them. So I suggest you just sit back and enjoy the ride."

I stop moving and find that the restraints loosen back to its original place. No getting out of this one Peeta.

"Seeing how you are past protocol one, we will have to move up to protocol two, which let me tell you is a very exciting step. None of the other subjects even made it where you are, so we are on uncharted waters." He says. "Nurse if you please, second protocol."

I see the nurse leave the room and find that I have electrodes all over my body monitoring my breathing, my heart rate, and my brain activity. I see them on the monitors around the room.

The sense of fear that comes over me is palpable to the people in the room as they see my blood pressure drop and my respiratory rise. One of the nurses comes to my side and tells me to calm down.

"Calm down?" I repeat. "You are going to inject me with something. I am your freaking guinea pig and you want me to calm down? You torture us for information that we do not have, you put us in situations where it is kill or be killed and you want me to calm down?!"

I start to feel my blood boil and know that the worst is not even here yet. The belts tighten and almost cause me to loose conscience.

"Doctor his BP is almost at the critical level and his respiratory is almost hyperventilation." She says.

"Start the bioelectrical field that should at least drop the blood pressure." He orders.

The charge freezes me in my place and now I can no longer move or speak. The only thing I can do is watch what the Capitol will do to me. The lights flicker on and off. They can't hold this field for long, it seems to drain the grid. The screens flicker on and off.

The nurse comes in with the metal case from before. They open the case and I see that now Dr. Vassar removes the red vile.

"This dear boy is a mutated weapon version of the Tracker Jacker venom. Do you remember the effects from your first Games? This is nothing like that, this is much more specific. It targets not only what you see, but what you remember." He says smiling.

The syringe is smaller and the dose seems less than the first one. He slowly lifts the plunger and takes the dose in the syringe.

I close my eyes, and wish that this would end, that I would just flat line right here, so that I am not used anymore as a test subject.

I feel the familiar thumb caressing my hand, and see her next to me.

"I can't," I say.

"You have to," she says.

"Let me go, please." I plead.

"I can't," she responds.

"I am not strong enough," I say ashamed.

"Peeta, you have to fight," she says. "You have to. I need you."

"I have missed you," I told her.

"I know," she says. "I missed you too."

I feel the pinch of the needle pierce my neck. The liquid is so dense that the pressure causes the doctor to stop massage his hand. When the liquid is all the way in, the effects are immediate. I feel the combination of the two liquids travel through my veins. There is a deep rage that starts to build inside me and I feel it over take my reasoning.

"His respiratory is through the roof, Doctor," I can hear a nurse say. "He might not hold together."

"No, you haven't seen him in action," the doctor responds. "He will hold."

The pain is unbearable. Like a thousand needles poking from inside trying to rip off my skin. They come and cover me in ice blankets to keep my temperature down as it feel like the heat is too much. I feel my body begin to shake although I cannot move, it is doing it on its own. My vision goes from blurred to dim to dark, whatever this combination is doing; you can tell it is not meant for the human body. I hear the footsteps of people running around, and the alarms blaring.

"Keep him stable!" He yells.

"Doctor his BP is dropping to safe levels," they tell him.

I blink my eyes and see that they are coming back into working order. It is fuzzy and everything looks shiny.

"How do you feel Peeta?" He asks.

"What do you think, after being experimented on?" I say.

"Good auditory responses signal frontal lobe function," he says to someone. "Somebody check to see if it combined properly."

One person comes to me and removes some blood. I can see the person walking back to the microscope. They are looking through it searching for what I don't know.

"Doctor, you did it! We have full cohesion of the Tracker Jacker venom and the bio-cardiac serum, with the current physiology." She says.

My vision glimmers and then turns normal.

"Are we on schedule?" He asks.

"Yes, Doctor, we have only a couple of minutes to prep," they respond.

"Schedule? For what?" I ask.

"There is a mandatory Capitol message in a couple of minutes," he responds.

The feeling is uneasy to see a Capitol message or is it the treatment of second protocol, but I have to quickly turn my head as the vomit come shooting out of my mouth. It is just water and some brown liquid. My head feels fuzzy and my body is all weak.

Three people have to help me to my feet as they take me, or drag me to the room with a television screen. In there is only one chair and the television is behind a clear wall. They place me in the chair and walk away closing a door behind them.

Just then I look at the screen and see the Capitol seal with the title "Special Report." A Capitol reporter stands in front of the steps of the Justice Building of the Capitol of Panem. The large marble columns spans upwards about forty feet, the grandiose feeling of the Capitol power is shown through their Justice Building. The steps that lead up to the front door of the Justice Building is laid with gold strips, and the hand rails made from a metal called titanium.

"Just moments ago, the peacekeepers have apprehended secret rebels operating in the midst of our own government. They have confessed to the charge of treason against the Capitol." She says. They cut to news reels of a group of four or five people walking with their faces covered by jackets. "They have been sentence by the tribunal for immediate execution. We go live to the execution room now."

They fade into a courtyard where the five people are lined up in front of a padded wall.

"By order of the Capitol Tribune and President Snow, you are hereby sentenced to execution by means of firing squad for crimes against the Capitol. For counts of treason and for inciting a riot or rebellion. Do you have any last words. Be advised that this is on a five minute delay so anything you may say to the rebels would be edited out." A soldier says.

One by one their hoods are removed and there stands before all of Panem people that have absolutely nothing to do with the rebellion. They have done nothing to incite a riot or rebellion,

Cinna, Portia and the rest of my prep team stands before the firing squad.

"Head hang high everyone," Cinna says. His face is bruised and cut. His appearance is nothing like the one I remember. He still stands tall, with drab color grey clothes. Prison clothes.

"Long live the mockingjay,." Portia says.

This can't be happening. I stand and look around. There is no one around. The room is padded for sound as I find out when I start to scream for them to stop. The chair I find is bolted to the ground. I start to bang on the clear wall.

"No! Stop, they know nothing," I say. "Dr. Vassar, I will tell you everything you want to know. Just stop this."

I turn back to the television.

"Soldiers take your position," the lead soldier says. A row of soldiers come out and line up before them.

I start to bang louder, and screaming,

"Stop! They do not know anything!" I say to no one and hope that someone hears me. I slump down to the ground, tears coming from my eyes.

"Portia, Cinna, I am so sorry to have dragged you into this." I say.

"Soldiers take present arms," the lead soldier says. "Soldiers take aim."

I close my eyes and whisper.

"I am sorry."

I hear the gunshots and know that they are dead. They are dead because of us. The picture fades back to the reporter. She seems to have had an emotional response to what was just witnessed.

"Not since the Dark Days have we seen a public execution. If you as a citizen of Panem know of any rebels hiding in your districts, please come forward and let your fellow peacekeepers know. They are only here to keep you safe and to maintain peace and order to every citizen of Panem. Now we return you to the regular scheduled programming."

The Capitol seal fades in and then the television turns off. I stand and look around, trying to find the door. All I see is the walls and no way out. I grab onto the chair and can feel the rage inside me rising. The Tracker Jacker venom flowing through me, the twitching of my body begins, and I have to hold onto the chair to be able to control myself. I close my eyes and try to control it, the pain only fuels it, and the hurt only keeps it in my mind.

She didn't deserve this. All she ever did was hear me, and understand my ramblings about love and about the girl from the Seam. I cannot believe she is gone, that I would never see her again, or know that in my heart she was still alive, even if I wasn't.

A slot suddenly opens and a tray is thrown in. It is some sort of gruel. The look of it is close to a grey vomit and yet it has been days since I last ate anything. I dip the tip of my finger into it and taste it. The taste is just as bad as the look of it. It has absolutely no taste to it, nothing, it could be me eating air and it would taste just the same. I start to cup the goop in my hands to eat it when the lights go off.

The silence slowly deafens my thought that is until I hear it, the scraping of a knife along the wall. The screeching of the tip alone a metal surface causes me to lift my hands to my ears.

_Peeta, you know it is your fault that they are dead right?_

I can hear the voice in the room.

"What?" I say. "Who is there?"

_Come on now, that doesn't matter. What matters is that they are dead. You and her are the reason they are dead. Portia and Cinna dead. You and Katniss with this rebellion killed them. You were right, they didn't know anything, they weren't part of it, and yet they are dead because of you and her._

"Show yourself,!" I yell. "Coward hiding in the dark."

I cover my ears trying to block the voice that keeps on saying over and over again.

_You and Katniss killed them. They are dead because of you and her._

Finally after being up for almost the whole time, I find that I do not have the energy to stop it any longer, so I just close my eyes and try to find sleep in this ongoing nightmare.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

How many days has it been since I have seen outside. Is it morning, night, is it still spring or are we in fall, could it even be winter? The tiredness goes past my body; it cuts to my very soul. The uneasy feeling has gotten much worst, now that all my body wants to do is rest; my mind is unable to focus.

_How did you sleep, loverboy? This is not part of your imagination this will forever be part of your nightmares. You will never get rid of me. _

It is the same voice from yesterday. The light go on and I see what I expected there is no one there. Some trick to drive me into madness.

The glass opens and I see him there with a smile.

"How did you sleep?" Dr. Vassar asks.

_Yes Peeta, tell the good doctor how you slept while people were being killed._

"What is with the invisible voice?" I ask him. "Have to resort to cheap parlor tricks?"

"What do you mean?" He responds.

"The voice," I say.

"Are you hearing voices?" He asks.

_Yes Peeta are you hearing things? Go right ahead tell him you are hearing things so they can confirm that you are crazy. _

"Peeta it is imperative that if you are experiencing anything that you tell me." he says.

"Seriously?" I say confused. "You inject me, you torture me and now you want me to help you?"

"You may not believe me right now but I am here to help you" he says.

"Your right, I don't believe you," I say.

"I will prove it," he says. "Turn and look at the screen."

I turn and look at the television s screen. The Capitol seal appears and I see Katniss sawing the tree branch.

"You know what is going to happen next, don't you?" He says. "Now is that someone that wants you safe? Those Trackers Jackers stings, do you remember what it felt like, that you almost died?"

_You know he is right. You even thought that yourself. She only came back for you after the announcement of the rule change. If that didn't happen she would have killed you. Look what happened in the Quell. Who was left to die with the Capitol?_

"Shut up!," I say out loud.

"Peeta, she was trying to kill you," He says.

It isn't true. She wasn't trying to kill me. She was only trying to…I try to search my mind for the reason and find that I cannot think of it. I look down and see my hands are trembling.

"Think about it," he says.

"I am, give me a minute," I say.

I think back and find that I cannot remember the reason. I can remember the event but not the reason. It is seeing a silent movie and not knowing what they are saying. I can feel the color drain from my face, as I realize that I am losing my memories.

I start to rub my hands trying to force the memories to come, but nothing.

_Having trouble? I would want to forget too if someone that I love was trying to kill me._

I start to pace around the room.

"Calm down, Peeta, it will come to you. The blast from the explosion of the arena has left you suffering from short term amnesia." He explains.

It makes sense, but he causing this can also makes sense. Who knows what sort of things what they injected me can cause or its effects.

I turn and look to the television and find that it is the scene where we are in the cave. I approach the television forgetting about everything and everyone. I concentrate on her face. I see my hand come up to her face and caress it. I mimic the gesture on the glass wall. Katniss.

"How I missed you." I say.

_How I missed you. How I missed you. How I missed you. You are seriously missing this one. She used you. Did you forget before the train entered in District Twelve when they told you the truth?_

I place my hands on my ears. How could they have known that? They couldn't have. We were extremely careful. Still doesn't change the fact. They used me.

"Sure she seems to care for you there. But where is she now?" He asks. "Who was left behind? If you were to change positions would you have left her?"

That is the question. I know that if it were me and Katniss was left, I would have never left her behind. If the rebels had grabbed me, and taken me in a hovercraft I would have forced them to go back. Nothing is more important to me than her and seeing her safe.

_You were taught better than that. You wouldn't have left her. You would have gone back._

"Look at the screen. I didn't want to do this but you have to know the truth. She used you." He says.

"No!" I say. "She wouldn't do that."

"Then turn around and find out for yourself." He says.

I turn and see the television screen. The picture is no longer of the games but one of a security camera shooting at a fence. It seems oddly familiar. That is when I see movement in the woods. I see her coming out of the forest.

She seems to be at the fence, but suddenly she turns and there he is. His arms wraps around her waist and I see them kissing.

_She has already moved on with the one she wanted. She never wanted you, she was just using you to survive to get back to him. _

This should anger me, and it should cause me to doubt it, but I look down to my hands and find that the trembling has stopped. It almost feels like I am happy for her. It feels like a promise that I made to myself, but I cannot remember it.

"Delly, do you think that fate exist?" I ask her.

"I don't know, Peeta," she says.

We sit on the steps of the school. It was the year before I was chosen for the Games. It is after school, she was waiting for me after spending detention cleaning erasers. Seems I have been getting in trouble lately for day dreaming about someone.

"So what was it this time? She asks.

"It was nothing," I tell her.

"Liar, I know why," she says.

"Then why do you ask?" I say.

"Well I want to understand why you love her so much," she says

"Love?" I cough out. "Who said anything about that?"

"Well if you are talking about fate then you are talking about her and if you are talking about it then love is behind it." She says. "Well what else could it be. I mean you have been in love with her since you were little kids."

I look at her, and know that although it was just a simple question, she seems to know me more and more as the years go by.

"We have been friends a long time no?" I say.

"Is that what we are? I thought you were just a lonely boy following me around." She says nudging me. "So fate? Fate is like love, you cannot stop loving her right? Even if you tried, even if she did the worst thing possible. So fate you cannot change it, as much as you want to, or if it looks the worst. If it is fated that you are going to be with her, then it will happen, no matter what."

I look at her. "I think you may be right."

Being there with the author of my current suffering, I am reminded of that day. He looks at me straight in my eyes wanting me to cry, to break down.

I smile.

"Please enlighten me, what is there to be happy about?" He asks.

"Fate," I say.

"I see," he says. "Fate. Interesting concept."

I can hear the television and hear the bombings.

"It is pandemonium here in District Eleven. The rebels have attacked the peacekeepers and have set fire to the wheat fields. Entire crops have been lost. There are reports that the casualties are in the hundreds when a bomb went off on a train carrying peacekeepers. The train subsequently derailed and crashed into a pack house of people hiding from the bombing. Without the train rails, supplies lines have been cut off and many other people will suffer." A reporter on the television says.

I turn to the side and feel food that I haven't eaten in days come back up. The images are just too much to not be affected by it. We were just there. It was only a couple of months ago; it started just when we spoke. It is hard not to feel responsible for it.

"They say that without the crops that were burned by the rebels, there will be widespread starvation in the other Districts." He says.

I look at the news shot of children dying in the streets. I see them running from the gun fire. It is enough to bring tears to my mind. I can still remember the children in District Twelve dying because of starvation.

"Was it fate that brought those people to die, today?" He says. "They were going to die whether or not there was an uprising? So if there was no uprising who would set the crops on fire? Fate. Interesting concept."

The logic seems hard to refute.

"You know you could stop this," he says.

"I have tried," I say. "Lot of good that did,"

"I brought Caesar back to see if we cannot stop this from going further," he says. "You have seen the videos, they are making it worst. People are fighting and everyone is dying."

Whatever his true reasoning is, is not to stop the killing. He isn't saying the full story.

"I won't do it," I tell him.

"Interesting, that you would think that I was even asking politely." He says. "Guards take him."

I hear the door. It clanks and begins to slide. I have only a couple of minutes to prepare myself. I lift myself up with help by the wall. The lack of sleep causes me to slowly react, to think of a way to protect myself. My muscles won't work like they should. It is like trying to fight someone under water.

They come in and the amount of guards has doubled and they completely surround me. I try to fend them off but the lack of sleep and eating has really slowed down my movements. They stun me and the electricity causes me to fall to my knees. I feel the kicking and punching that comes and all I can do is cover my face.

They drag me to the circular room and place me in the chair. I look up and see Caesar is a little bit taken back by it.

"Not what you expect huh Caesar?" I say.

He looks around and asks for makeup people to try and cover the bruising around my face.

The studio quickly comes into view and I know that we are press for time. What is the rush? Last time it was more organized, this time it is all done with little prep. It means something, I know it does, everything they do means something.

I can't think, everything is fuzzy again. The thoughts have that shinny feeling. Why can't I concentrate, why can't I focus?

"Peeta, how have you been?" He asks.

"Been having trouble sleeping, and well among other things," I say.

"Well the reason why we brought you here is to see if you have heard anything about the propos that Katniss filmed for the extremist." He says.

"They're using her obviously," I say. "To whip up the rebels. I doubt she even really know what's going on in the war. What's at stake."

"Is there anything you'd like to tell her?" Caesar asks me.

"There is," I say. I turn and look at the 'camera.' "Don't be a fool Katniss. Think for yourself. They've turned you into a weapon that could be instrumental in the destruction of humanity. If you've got any real influence, use it to put the brakes on this thing. Use it to stop the war before it is too late. Ask yourself, do you really trust the people you're working with? Do you really know what's going on? And if you don't…find out."

The red light in the camera turns off and the studio disappears.

"Just another pawn," I say.

They come and grab me, as they take me down the hallway and we stand there waiting for the elevator to arrive. I hear two soldiers talking in the nearby hallway. Can barely make it out but what I can hear it is clear as day.

"We were able to trace the source of the rebels base, thanks to the tracker program in this live program." He says. "You would never believe where it originated from."

"Where," says the other soldier.

"The location is centralized around District Thirteen." He says.

It does exist. The stories that Katniss told us about meeting two people in the woods was true. There is a District Thirteen and she is there. The footage in the news reports was made here, that is confirmed by what I have seen, and now we know that the Capitol hasn't set foot in District Thirteen until the dark days. If there were survivors in the District why haven't they made contact with us? Why did they just sit back and do nothing. From the bits and pieces that we have heard through rumor in the District, they were the ones who started the previous rebellion and now they have started another one. This time around we have less people and the circumstance is much more tenuous. If that is the base of the rebels then that means that soon enough President Snow will attack.

"Control, says that we only need confirmation and the attack will begin. They say we have a specialized bomb for District Thirteen that will wipe out the entire rebellion." He says.

A bomb? They are going to bomb the District. How can I warn them? No one deserves to die, not even the people of the Capitol.

_What about Portia and Cinna, did they deserve to die?_

It is enough to cause me to stop.

_They are from the Capitol they deserved to die. They are the enemy, they put costumes on little children knowing full well that they were going to their death. They may have not place the weapons in their hands but they are responsible just as much as the Gamemakers. _

I shake my head trying to silence the voice. I have to keep attention and focus on what they are saying.

_Who do you think caused the whole thing to start? It wasn't Katniss, it was those costumes in the opening games. Whose idea was it to hold hands? Wasn't it Cinna? There you were trying to not bring attention and they place you in the spotlight. Of course she fanned the flames and caused this, but they are to blame just as much. _

"No, Portia and Cinna didn't know," I say and realized that I said it too loud.

Just then they notice that I am overhearing and come over and with the butt of their weapon hit me on the side of my head. As I close my eyes, I hear the last thing of transmission.

"We have confirmed the location and the attack will begin in five days." The person over the radio says.

My eyes close and just like that, I know that I have only five days to warn them. In five days, she could be gone forever. It is enough to bring a sort of purpose in my life. Like in the Games, to keep her alive, and just like the Quell, to make sure she survives. This time a new purpose has arose, something that needs to be done, and I cannot fail. Some way somehow I have to get on the air again.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

"He could shut down, if you push him too hard too fast." I hear a voice through the haze of the hurt from my head. A sharp pain wakes me up and I see that I am in room filled with water. I feel the weights on my leg and arms, although I am not sinking.

_Good morning sunshine, you didn't think that the pain was over did you?_

"Oh my head," I strain through my mouth.

"Subject is awake Doctor," I hear over the speaker.

"Peeta, how nice of you to still be alive," he says jokingly. "I suggest that you do not drink the liquid that you are currently in. Well unless you want to vomit up what you do not have in your system."

"Thanks," I say gruffly, "I will keep that in mind. What do you want from me?"

"Peeta, who is Portia?" He asks.

The name sounds familiar. My eyes quickly move from side to side in search of who that is.

"What? Who is that?" I say.

"Doctor, we have breached the first wall," someone says.

"The liquid that you are in, is high conductive. Therefore I do have to warn you that we have had dangerous spikes in electricity due to the main grid being damaged from attack." He says.

My mind is all hazy, like something is turned off.

"The good thing is that the liquid is not like water, so you will not sink on contrary without the weights on your legs keeping you down you would come out of it." He says. "Now back to the initial test. Peeta who is Portia,"

"You mean my stylist from the Games?" I say. "What about her?"

"What does she mean to you?" He says.

"She is part of the Games. She is just my stylist." I say.

"So she is just a stranger?" He asks.

"What is with the questions?" I say. Just then I feel the spike in electrical charge through the liquid and the pain is nothing that I have experienced before. It shakes my body violently and I can feel parts of my skin begin to loosen.

"Stabilize the grid, damn it" He orders.

"Sorry about that Peeta. We will make the effort to keep the grid stable. So Portia the stylist from the Games, she is just a stranger to you?" He asks.

"Yes, I only know her from the costumes she makes." I say.

"Perfect. What about Haymitch Abernathy?" He asks.

"The mentor? He is a Victor from my District." I say.  
"Doctor we are past the second wall," someone says.

"What about the war? What do you know about it?" He asks.

"That if we do not stop it, everyone will die. There will be no world to live in. The extremist have to stop and lay down their arms." I say.

"Increase the field. We have to breach the primary wall," he says.

"He could shut down Doctor, the mind can only take so much." Someone says.

"Peeta, I am going to ask you questions about people that are closer to you. We are testing to make sure your mental acuity of them is still intact." He says.

"Who is Gale Hawthorne?" He ask.

"A hunter from my District." I respond.

The lights begin to flicker and the current surges through my body. I close my eyes and feel my body start to tremble and come apart. I feel my heart start to beat irregularly. The pain is unbearable; I feel my body begin to shut down.

"Doctor, his BP is spiking," a voice echoes through my ears.

"Stabilize him now." I hear the doctor order.

"Just let me die," I struggle to say. "I cannot take more of this."

"Two more questions, and then I promise we will stop." He says. "We are almost done."

"So finish your questions," I say spitting out blood on the liquid. "So sorry I got your liquid dirty."

I feel so weak that anything can cause me to either fall asleep for now or forever. If I am lucky then the next surge in electrical charge will cause my body to shut down permanently.

"Who is Katniss Everdeen?" He asks.

I feel my body begin to shut down.

"The girl from District Twelve that went with me into the Hunger Games." I say.

"Do you love Katniss Everdeen, the girl tribute from your district," he asks.

I think about it. I search my mind.

"How can I love someone who manipulated me and tried to kill me?" I say.

"Okay, let's stop there." He says. "Get him out of the liquid and take him to his room."

I hear the doors open and my eyes close as they pull me out of the liquid. When I open my eyes I am in a room that I have never been in. I feel the comfortable bed beneath my back. I look down and see that my clothes have been changed. I look up to my hands and still see them trembling. I start to massage my hands to see if I can stop the trembles.

Something feels very wrong. Like someone is stealing my memories. Why was he asking me questions about people that I didn't know. Katniss. Why is her name on my mind.

_She was just a tribute in the Games. She took off and left you there after your mentor told her not to. She had other plans. Remember she dropped the trackerjacker nest on you to kill you. She ran off only to take the bow from a dead girl. She was only looking out for herself. Why did you hide from her in the river? You knew she wanted to kill you. She only came back after they changed the rules. She knew that if she didn't, she would lose sponsors._

I stare at the ceiling. The memories of the Games run through my mind. The so called star crossed lovers, as part of the strategy. She left me in the Cornucopia, to have to fight the Careers. My lover just left me to fend for myself. She didn't care about me then, and when I was trying to save her, she dropped the tracker jackers on me. I suffer a deadly cut from a Career trying to save her.

She only kissed me, or told me those things because she wanted to keep the appearance that she cared about me. After the Games she left me for him. The hunter. She never cared about me. I was stupid to believe that. I was delusional and living in a fantasy world. Girls like that don't end up with guys like me. That isn't how the world works.

_Even after the Quell was announced, she ran to him. She didn't come looking for me, she went looking for him. I saw her kissing him in the doorway of her house. _

She blew up the arena, and caused me to have these gaps in my memory. I cannot remember parts of the Quell. No matter how hard I try, the memories do not come. The blast from the electrical charged caused me to have these tremors. She left me there to die in the arena, to be captured by the Capitol.

It is all too confusing. I don't know. Something about that just sounds wrong. Like a pieces of jigsaw puzzle that don't belong. The headaches are strong and unyielding, they are blinding through the lights. I grit my teeth, trying to do something anything. I can feel it creeping in, the madness, the night terrors that come and steal my identity.

The door clicks and slides open.

"How do you feel?" Dr. Vassar asks.

"Feel exhausted, with a pounding headache." I say.

"Here take this, it will help the headaches." He says.

I look at the pill for a second, something about him that I don't trust. What is it? I have this feeling deep inside me that tells me to rip off his face.

I grab the pill and place it in my mouth. He hands me a glass of water and I begin to drink the water.

"Get dressed; you will have the opportunity to speak to the people of Panem with President Snow in a couple of minutes." He says.

He walks outside and I place my hands to my face. I stand and walk over to the sink. I splash a little bit of water on my face and lower my face to spit out the pill that is still in my mouth. I know that the cameras in the room will be monitoring my movement so I will have to make sure that they don't see it.

I walk over to the closet and see different colors of shirts. I think I will wear this one.

I grab a green shirt, not my favorite color but I know that I have to wear it.

The Capitol attendant walks into my room and informs me that the prep team is ready for me.

I walk along the hallway and walk into a room with four people waiting.

"Let's get started, we have to make you presentable." One says.

"We need some concealer," another one says.

"Some?" A third says. "Do you think we have enough to cover the bruising?"

They work on my face for what seems to be a long time.

"You are going to have to do something about those trembling of your hands and feet." Someone says.

"Yes because I am doing this on purpose," I snap back.

They finish up and I just sit there waiting to be taken. There was something that I was supposed to do. There is this nagging feeling that there was a promise I made to myself. The pain of the headaches is evident every time I try to remember. It is almost like it is trying to stop me. Could it be that my own mind has betrayed me?

The door opens and the attendant comes to me.

"Come with me," he says seriously.

I stand and steady my artificial leg. This is important, what is going to happen. It will matter to the war.

The images of the war still fresh in my mind, the sights of babies dying in the arms of mother, and the nightmares of my own child dying in the streets.

Wait. I did have a nightmare about this. Who was the mother?

I think back to the memories of that awful place and find that the face of the mother is blurred. The little girl in the red plaid dress. Two golden blonde braids, holding something. What is that? I look into the details of her hand and find a golden locket.

It is important. That locket is important. Where did she get it? The headaches are horrible and causes me to stumble as I was walking with the attendant.

"Are you okay?" He says.

"Yeah, just lack of sleep," I say.

We walk to the elevator and I see the elevator. The images of the glass elevator flashes in and out and I fall to my knees.

"Should I get the Doctor?" He asks.

"No, no, sorry I am okay." I say.

The elevator slows down and the doors open. There I see two more attendants. They take me to the sitting room of a more elegant room. There is a lot of blue and red in the room. The Capitol seal is behind a podium and a big television is in front of an elevated chair.

A person with a clip board approaches me.

"This is what you are to say. A prompter will also be showing this same speech. You are going to give an address of the shortages and the damages suffered by the war. Unless given the opportunity do not deviate from the prepare speech." She says. "We go on in ten."

Just then a door opens and President Snow enters surrounded by guards. They quickly disperse into the room. The feeling in the room is tense, people running around, getting everything ready.

I sit down in the chair and nervously shake my leg on the rest.

"In three, two, one, you are live Mr. President." A person in front of the camera says.

"People of Panem, I come to you in this dire moment of history. We are faced with the same changes that our forefathers had back in the Dark Days. As they have overcome these extremist we too shall overcome. Our resolve has not waiver and we will not yield to terrorist who would kill the innocent people of Panem. To those of you who would call these act a justified thing. I will give you a face to your justification." He says in a stern voice.

The person points to me; I clear my throat and begin to read what is on the prompter.

"People of Panem, I am a Victor of the Hunger Games from District Twelve. Know that I come to you not as a Victor or a citizen of Panem, but as a human being. I have seen the footage of what the rebellion has resulted in. Deaths of children from a fire caused by rebel bombings. We need to stop this now. I have the drowning of people in District Seven when a dam broke and the water killed a whole town. This is not about casting blame on anyone, it is about getting both sides to stop and think about what you are doing." I say in a serious matching tone.

It feels wrong. It doesn't sound like me. No one will believe me. I see the prompter and the words are not me. I let out a deep sigh of frustration and continue.

"I have been where you are. I have felt your frustration."

The light on the camera turns off.

"What? What happened?" I say.

I see the person with the clipboard and a radio headset in her head.

"Rebels have broken into the secure line. Mr. President we are trying to regain the feed." One person turns to the President and says.

"Don't try, do and if you don't, we will have a conversation afterwards." He says.

I look down on the monitor and see her in front of some rubble. The headaches are extreme and cause me to drop the cards I had in my hands. She is there bending down.

"The bombing of a purification plant by rebel forces has caused…" I start again, only to see that the feed has been hijacked by the rebels. I see him on the screen. Finnick Odair, one of the rebels. A flash comes over me and I collapse to my knees. I see Katniss crying uncontrollably.

"You almost died, Peeta," she says.

This isn't real, it isn't real.

I cannot think, I can't stop it, what is going on with me? The images are choppy and flood in. I remember the jungle. The cutting of the vines. Then nothing but darkness. Was I knocked unconscious by Finnick Odair? I almost died I can remember she telling me. Was Finnick trying to kill me? It would make sense. We were tributes in the Quell and there is only one victor.

Only one victor.

"Cut the feed." One yells out.

The Capitol seal is back on the monitors. Everyone is running around. I see the guards coming to the President to try and usher him out of the studio.

"No, I will not be chased out by some rebel lowlifes. Prepare the strike. They want to take this to the next level we will do the same. Tomorrow morning." He says.

The camera light goes red.

"Mr. President we have control," they say.

"Clearly the rebels are now attempting to disrupt the dissemination of information they find incriminating, but both truth and justice will reign. The full broadcast will resume when security has been reinstated."

I replay the last words I heard President Snow say before we regained control.

"Prepare the strike. Tomorrow morning." A round of flashes of images all jumbled up in my mind. The injection of something, and the images of fog. Monkeys jumping through the air. It is like a television set cycling through the channels in no real order. An image of a guard by an elevator. 'have found out the location of the rebels base' his mouth slows down and I hear, 'bomb.'

"Peeta, has tonight's demonstration given you any parting thoughts for Katniss Everdeen?" President Snow asks.

Her name brings me the pain of memories I cannot understand. "Dandelions?" What does Katniss have to do with that? I hear wind chimes, and flowers in her hair, the roar of an ocean coast. What does this mean? Why can't I make sense of this? I start to look around trying to control my emotions.

"Katniss…how do you think this will end? What will be left? No one is safe."

I look down; the pain in my head feeling the pressure of everything is causing my eye sight to lose focus. I see my hands and they blur and come into focus. They turn from two to four hands.

"Not in the Capitol. Not in the District." I piece it together. The strike, tomorrow, the bomb. They are going to bomb District Thirteen tomorrow.

"And you…in Thirteen…" my lungs trying hard to find air, as my mind begins to shut down. I see the President waving to cut the feed. The girl with the clip board is yelling to the control booth.

"End it," I hear President Snow call out.

"Dead by morning." I get out, just as the light on the camera goes out.

I see them, the guards coming to get me. They come from every direction. One knocks down the camera and the other pushes the girl with the clip board away. I feel the strike of one on my neck and the other on my rib. One comes at me and I have barely enough time to move out of his way only to get tackled by the fourth one. He punches me in the mouth causing me to spit out blood.

I cry out in pain from the blow to the ribs, and fall to the ground. I feel it, and it is unrelenting. The blows come from every which side. It is blinding until I feel my mind lose consciousness.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

A strike across my cheek. I am awake and breathing hard. I quickly scan the room and see blood on the ground. Have they been beating me even though I have been unconscious? I look down and find my fingers broken. I cannot breathe through my nose but can feel a hot pain in up my nostrils, more than likely broken. I am bound by my leg and hands to a wooden chair.

"Up the voltage, I want to hear him scream for mercy." One says.

They turn on a machine and I feel the electrical current race through my body. It is the same pain that I have been feeling for the last weeks. It is only a couple of seconds but it causes me to quickly make out the areas where I am either broken bones or cuts.

My forearm, I can barely rotate my wrist. Did they break almost every bone in my body? They aren't asking any questions. They are just beating me senseless. There could only be one reason behind that. I messed up their plans. There was an attack scheduled and the result wasn't to their liking.

"Bring in the acid," one says.

Acid? They are going to burn me. Really going all out, President Snow must be quite upset. I don't see any doctors and I don't see any television sets showing me pictures of war. This time it is just going to be physical pain. They are going to kill me in this room.

They bring in a green acid that is bubbling. It smells like sulfur from the cows.

"Sulfuric acid," He says smiling to me. "Let see what it does to skin shall we?"

"Where shall we start?" Another one asks.

"Let's start somewhere we can conceal, seems the Capitol still wants you camera ready. People have to recognize you." He responds.

"Why can't we just kill him?" He asks. "It would easy, just take this hear knife."

He shows me a black knife with a serrated side. He waves it in front of my face. I follow the knife down to my stomach.

"We just cut him here," he says as he makes the notion of a slash alongside my stomach. "Let his guts spill out and make our way up"

The point grazes my skin and I can feel the point of the blade come up to my throat.

"To the throat and then we wouldn't have to hear him speak or warn anyone ever again." He says.

"Well no one would ever hear him. He would be dead." They respond laughing.

"Oh that is right," he says. "We can blame it on my lack of knowledge and it would be one less Tribute. We have four more in holding cells."

Four? There were only three of us. Or was their four? The memories still not what they use to. Thinking back, was their four of us taken from the arena that night or were there only three of us. Is it four of us including me or do they have four other people being tortured like this?

"Hey I have a better idea," One says. "Let's do what we did to that girl. You know the one who likes the axes. She had a smart mouth and we just beat it out of her."

Axes. Her face flashes in front of me. Johanna Mason. I see her hitting Katniss with something on her head knocking her out. Why would she do that?

"Come on, give it up. Give up your socks." He says.

Socks? What are they going to do gag me to death with their smelly feet? They begin to stuff in their socks hard rubber things in them.

"The thing is, Peeta, we really don't care if you live or die. The President calls us here because of our creativity in our special skill set." He says. "You know anything about internal bleeding?"

They untie my hands and feet from the chair but it seems that I am still chained to a chain that runs up the walls. They pull on the chains and I am strung up hanging from my hands. The next minutes, hours, days, I don't know, feel like an eternity as they take turns beating me in my ribs, on my hips, anywhere really with socks full of rubber things. I hear the cracking sounds of broken bones and I feel my body begin to get cold.

A buzzer stops them and they all give out a groan of disappointment.

"Lucky boy," he says. "That means it break time. But don't you worry any. We will be back in thirty minutes to continue our lesson. I have had this new idea I wanted to try out with a nail gun and muscles. It is going to fun. Well not for you, but for me."

They walk outside the in walks in good old Doctor Vassar.

"Peeta, you really know how to make a mess of things." He says. "All you really had to do was read the prompter. They told you not to deviate from it."

"So…sorry….I…wasn't…always….good….at…following…orders." I say.

He chuckles. "No you never were."

He walks over and picks up what seems to be rebar.

"Such brutality. I never did like physical pain." He says.

"Yes yours is more about mental pain, isn't it?" I yell out. "You are the reason why I can't think straight."

"No my boy. You came broken; I merely help you to find a stable place." He says. "I have shielded you from the worst things possible."

"I have something that I want to tell you," I say. "But you have to get closer because it is something about the rebels."

He walks in closer to me but is well aware of the distance between him and me. He isn't as stupid as he looks.

"Yes, Peeta?" He says.

I hock up a wad of spit and send it his way. It splatters all over his face.

"My gift to you," I say laughing.

He removes a handkerchief from his white coat and takes off his glasses. He cleans his face with the handkerchief and begins to clean the glasses with his sleeve.

"This is the thanks I get." He says. "Ever wonder, Peeta, why we do not show any war footage from Twelve?"

I scan back on the images of the war. Eleven. Four, Six and Two. Nothing from Twelve.

"Well it seems that the rebels had something different for Twelve. Where do you think they started first?" He says. "You saw the picture of Katniss in front of rubble. Where do you think that was?"

He is right in the monitor just then, I saw her kneel down in front of rubble.

"That, Peeta was your family bakery." He says. "No one from your family survived."

The truth hits me like a ton of bricks. There was no news on the paper about Twelve. There was no video footage that I could recognize from the Square.

"You lie!" I yell. "It is not true."

"You think that I would lie about this. Knowing that your mind could collapse at the news of it?" He says. "I wanted to see how you would react and survive and this news we felt would have an adverse effect on you."

My brothers, dead? My mother and father all gone? Tears begin to flow at the realization of the truth. They are gone and the rebels are to blame.

"They saved some of the people from your District. You have seen Mister Hawthorne and Miss Everdeen. He made sure that his family and hers survived the bombings. But odd no one seemed to want to save yours." He says. "They even saved some ridiculous cat. A cat was worth more to them than your own family."

My father. He died. It hasn't hit me yet, the thought that I would never get to see him again. That I would never get to talk to him and ask him for advice, my mother, still to the day I left thinks that I hated her for pushing me away. All I ever wanted was for her to love me and now I will never get the chance to tell her that.

The war, senseless and without any preference have taken the one thing that I have been holding onto, they died because of someone idea of freedom. We never asked for this. We didn't sign up for it.

Papa?

Everything that I know to be true is lost. My own memories are scattered and I am a broken person who cannot even stop from trembling.

The convulsions begin and I can hear the jingling of the chains as I shake. Everything in me is bruised and broken. The pain is too much. I have suffered for too long. Why can't this end. I am not strong enough to make it through. It is too much to bear. Why were they taken? They were not part of the rebellion. They did what they were told.

_So now you know what I have always known. You are all alone. No one left. There isn't a single person in this whole wide world that loves you. You know that I am telling you the truth._

"Stop it!" I yell.

The scream takes back Doctor Vassar enough to look to see if I am still chained.

"Get it out of my head." I scream. "Get it out of my head. Shut up!"

_No! You have no one. You are a nobody. Everyone has left you to die. They couldn't even save your own family. They burned in their own stupid little bakery. Every one of them, the ashes in the ground or you didn't catch that from the glimpse of the footage. Ashes only come from fire not from an explosion. They died being burned alive._

"Oh this is too much, you are being tortured now by your own thoughts?" He says chuckling. "This is more than I could ever hope for."

_Your mother didn't love you. You were the reminder that your father loved another. You were the reminder that she was the second choice. No one left. An orphan in Panem. You are going into the same path as Haymitch. A pathetic old man that drinks his problems away. You are pathetic. No wonder no one has come for you. They left you to die because you were not worth saving. _

"I will kill you for this," I yell out. "Mark my words you will die by my hands."

"Not likely," he says. "Tomorrow you will be transported off this little detention center to our maximum security wing of our prison. There they will nurse you back to health, only to break you down again. They will do this just for the fun of it. You will never see the light of day again. Soon enough everyone will forget your name and you will be forgotten."

I look up to the ceiling and see that the chains are held by hooks bolted to the ceiling. I try to tug at them and find that they are well placed. I pull on them again and see a glimmer of hope. One ring wiggles, enough to see a small cloud of dust.

If I can get that one ring off it might just give me enough slack to fall to the ground. Once on the ground how to get out of the chains? Haven't really had enough time to think seeing how I have had other things on my mind.

_It won't work. They will catch you. No way out of here. Tomorrow you will be locked away forever. _

Hope is only a chance. If there is a chance that I can get out of here, then there is still hope that I can survive this. The buzzer goes off and I know that soon enough the other soldiers will be back soon. Don't have much time to lose. I can take this one doctor with no problem, but four well trained soldiers probably not.

I lift myself by my arms until I cannot anymore and let myself fall. This causes more pain in my shoulders and in my wrist. I winch at the pain and look up to see that the ring has wiggled to the left.

"How does it feel, Peeta?" He asks. "To cross over to the other side of madness?"

"Don't know, why don't you tell me about it?" I say lifting myself up again and dropping myself. I hear a crack in my left shoulder. If I don't succeed in this, I will dislocate my shoulder and then where would I be? They certainly won't help me pop it back in.

Probably can do it one more time before they come in.

_Your shoulder will give out before you get that ring out. Don't you know that they have thought of everything?_

"Shut up!" I say as I lift myself again and with the tug on it one more time I feel the weight of the ring fall and can feel my body free falling to the ground.

Surprised, Doctor Vassar turns and runs for the alarm button. I get up and without a moment hesitation place my arms around his throat. The chains still on my hands as I wrap a chain around his neck and lean back causing him to gurgle out something trying to catch air in his chest. He struggles at my hands, trying to crawl at them so that I can release him from it.

"Never again, will you do this to anyone," I say.

Just as I feel his hands begin to slow down. I can hear him in my mind.

"Don't let them take away who you are inside." My father tells me.

I loosen the grip just enough to realize that he has passed out but still breathing. I hear rumblings and can make out one rumbling then another. What is that?

All of the sudden the alarm starts to blare and I look at Doctor Vassar's hand to see that he was not able to reach the alarm. It will only be seconds before they come for me. I roll off the doctor and position myself next to the door waiting for it to open.

The door flings wide open and I twist the chains on the gun that was poking into the room. I toss it out of the hand of the person and quickly elbow him in the stomach. He moves back.

I reach down and grab the gun on the floor. I turn to the hallway and see him on the ground. I should just pull the trigger and get it over with right now. All the rage inside me.

_Yes, feed into it. Do it. No one will miss him. It is his fault they are dead._

He begins to stand to his feet.

"Why are you here?" I shout for a response.

"To save you. She needs you." he responds.

Gale Hawthorne stands before me with his hand stretch out as a sign of friendship.

"We have to go," someone yells out. "Either you in or out, but we will leave you here if you do not come with us."

I give him the gun and lift up my chains.

"Unless you have a key?" I ask.

"Boggs bolt cutter." He yells back.

In comes who seems to be the leader of this rescue team with bolt cutters. He cuts off my chains from my hands and feet.

It is mass chaos. The ceiling has collapse in some areas and I can hear the alarm blaring and people running. Just then I feel Boggs arm push me into the wall. As Capitol soldiers begin to fire. They exchange fire for a couple of seconds; before I see Boggs grab a grenade from his belt and toss it to them.

"Grenade!" he yells, and we all duck down to the ground as it blows up killing all the soldiers in the hallway.

"Primary route has been compromised, secondary evac location requested." He says over the radio.

"Roger, moving to secondary location." They respond.

"We only have minutes before the bomb blows this place up. You have to move with us. Got it?" He screams in my ear.

"Got it," I say.

We make our way down hallways and see that we are in a labyrinth of hallways and doors. Boggs looks down on something on his wrist and directs us to a specific path.

The next explosion rocks us to the ground. We are up in seconds.

"Primary charge is about to go off. Are you clear of the lower levels?" They ask over the radio.

"Yes we are clear," He says.

"Wait, Johanna, Enobaria?" I yell at him. "They are still down there."

"Control, have you the other assets?" He asks.

"One of two," They respond. "Subject Johanna Mason has been evacuated. Enobaria we could not locate."

"You in or out?" He yells at me.

"I am in." I yell back.

"We need to move, double time everyone. Secondary charge is about to go off." He yells.

We quicken the pace and go up a flight of stairs to awaiting ropes by an elevator shaft.

"Grab on, and whatever you do. Do not let go!" He yells. I feel the ground begin to shake and look down only to see a ball of fire coming from the elevator shaft.

"Secondary charge went off. Pull the lines primary subject secured." He orders.

I feel the rope tighten and all of us are shot straight up to the sky. The rush of wind is enough to cause my ears to pop, but I hold onto the rope like my life depended on it.

I see the night sky for the first time in weeks and can see that the ropes were tied to the hovercraft that had taken off. I look down to see the facility and the explosion that follow. It completely levels the facility and I know that if Enobaria was still down there she is dead. Dead is better than suffering at the hands of the Capitol.

The rope begins to pull us into the hovercraft and one by one I see them all in their full armor, seven in all. We are all on board when Boggs gives the thumbs up to the pilot and they set in coordinates.

"What took you so long?" I yell out.

They all looked at me, unsure of the question.

"I sent you guys invitations to come, you didn't get it?" I say laughing.

"You saved a lot of people today, Peeta. The warning came just in time. We were able to evacuate everyone." Boggs says.

He turns and looks at everyone.

"Everyone okay?" He asks. "Anyone hurt?"

They all ramble on the location of their cuts but nothing serious. I sit down and look outside the window. The trees quickly past us and I see the full moon.

"Is this real?" I ask. "Or is this part of a dream?"

A soldier pats me the leg. "Did you feel that?"

I nod. "It is real buddy. You are safe."

I see snow on tops of the trees.

"How long?" I ask. "How long has it been since the Quell?"

"Six weeks."

After about an hour, we start to descend into a heavy dense city. A ruin of an old city that was once in the previous world was a major hub for everyone. Now all that stands are ruins of old buildings. The sign though still says it all.

'Welcome to New York City'

"District Thirteen, gentleman." Boggs says. "Get to the infirmary and get yourself checked out. Peeta, you do the same. Control will want to debrief you afterwards."

Doors open and again I see the hovercraft go underground. Will this be the same as the Detention Center? The doors open and find that the rebels have similar welcoming. A group of troops takes us through the awaiting doors. To another cell probably, who knows. Safety? I will have to see it to believe it.


	9. Chapter 9

PART II

"The Shadow by the Meadow"

Chapter Nine

Adrenaline is a power drug. It can cause you to run faster than you are capable or have strength that you didn't know you had. It is something that happens in an instinct and you of course are unaware of it. The only way you know that you are on this drug is if you are off it. That is the only downside to adrenaline. Once it wears off your body tries to recuperate the spent energy and when it can't it shuts down.

After being tortured for a couple of days and now the escape, bombs and gunfire in the detention center my adrenaline is on overdrive. Stepping out of the hovercraft I see soldiers surrounding the aircraft. My area of focus is enhanced to a level of detail that I didn't know I had. Three soldiers on the left have assault rifles and pistols. I see one has a knife in his boot. The one closet to the door walks with a limp on the left hand side. It isn't the same limp that I have but it is one that is centralized by the hip.

The building is the same color as the one in the detention center. The landing pad for the hovercraft is miles beneath the surface. I look up to see the roof starting to close, the night sky disappearing once again, the stars saying goodbye once again, for how long I really don't know.

They escort me through the doors the same way that Capitol soldiers did.

_From one cell to another. Just you wait, you think you are free? They will lock you away just the same way as the Capitol. You will always be a pawn in somebody games. The poor misguided tribute of District Twelve, welcome to your new hell. They will come at you with the same thing. Doctors and tests and without even thinking you will trust them. _

I walk through the doors and find similar hallways. They are not as clean as the Capitol but you can tell they were made by the same designer. It was meant to be efficient. We approach a elevator and a guard who is standing in front of the elevator places his hand on a keypad which opens the door of the elevator.

We get into the elevator. No one is speaking or happy that I am there. The elevator begins to go down and the flashes begin. The same elevator, the same downward path. The elevators of the Training Center, even the elevators of District Twelve's Justice Building. I close my eyes and take deep breathes. It feels all wrong. Could this be a trick another ploy by the Capitol to get my guard down? They have done it before with Johanna's voice.

"Excuse me, the other tributes. Where are they?" I ask one of the rebel soldiers.

"They are being looked at in medical, which is where we are heading now." He responds.

The elevator stops and continues to move now in. What an odd thing to see an elevator go in and out as well as up and down. It is coming to a full stop when I hear the doors open and see a group of Doctors waiting for me.

My heart begins to quicken, my breathing changes. It feels the same. It feels like a trick.

_Yes, you feel that? That is your instincts kicking in. You know that I am right. Doesn't this feel like déjà vu?_

"Peeta, come with us." One doctor tells me.

The image of Doctor Vassar on the first day has overlapped with this doctors face.

_It is the same thing. They will try and be your friend and ask if you need anything. Didn't the Capitol offer you your favorite food? This is how they get you. Then you will be poke and injected and tested for everything. You will never see the light of day. It will be as if you never left the Detention Center. _

I walk hesitantly to a room and hear the door close behind me. There is a bed and a chair. Monitors are all ready next to the bed as to start the torture. I feel the apprehension in the room, I am sure that he must feel it as well.

"Peeta, sit." He says waving me.

"Actually I prefer to stand," I say. "Honestly, the last Doctor that asks me to sit ended up doing things that I can't even remember. So don't really trust doctors you know."

"It is okay. I cannot imagine what you went through," He says. "My name is Doctor Thomas Aurelius. You can call me Tom, or if you wish Doctor Aurelius."

_See they want you to be friends with you. They are trying to connect with you. Trust your instincts; you know that I am right._

I try to shake it off. Close my eyes to try and drown the voice.

"We are going to take your blood pressure and if you know of anything that they did to you medically it would be great information so that we can help you." He says.

I walk over to him and sit down on the bed. He begins to take my pulse. "So tell me, the first thing that I can help."

"You can't. That is the thing. You can't help me." I say.

"We can certainly try to help in any way, but can't if you don't tell me what is wrong." He says.

"All my memories are jumbled. I can't think straight. I can't focus. Can you help with that?" I say defiantly.

"Okay, well we will get there. I will not lie to you; it will take a while until we get there. You might not be 100% again but I will help you, if you let me." He says. "Blood pressure is elevated, but we can expect as much with your new surroundings."

_Lying. You can tell can't you? Look at his eyes how they don't meet yours. He isn't telling you everything. They all lie. All they want to know is the technique they used on you._

If he is really trying to help me, he wouldn't be around the bush with me. Everyone tip toeing like I am something with a disease. I need to know something. It has been weighing at me from the darkest region of my mind.

"Is it true?" I ask.

"Is what true Peeta?" He asks.

"District Twelve, my family," I ask with a stern voice.

"Peeta, I am sorry. Yes, it is true." He says.

"No!" I yell. I stand up and put my hands to my ears. I begin pacing back and forth.

"Peeta, calm down," he says.

There was always a part of me that wanted to believe they had lied. The one thing that Capitol does so well is lie. They had to have lied about this. I can't. I can't. It is too much. Calm down? I can't think. Everything is all jumbled, everything is all chaotic. The only place that I found peace, the one place that everything made sense is now the only place I cannot escape.

I put my hands to my hair. I grab onto it and wish to pull it out. Nothing makes sense. Everything is falling apart and I have no way back.

_Yes, no way back Peeta. You have gone too far in. Even the doctor says that you will never be 100% again. The one person you believed could help you find sanity is no longer here. Look. Look. There comes the reason why. Don't forget the reason why he isn't here. The reason why you are alone._

"It is a trick," I say. "it is a trick, it has to be. This is just another game of Capitol. You aren't real. This isn't real."

"Calm down, we can help you," he says.

I sit down rocking back and forth and he quickly grabs a small flash light. Looking at my eyes.

_This is all a trick. None of this is real. Soon you will feel the pain of the electrical shock._

This isn't real. It can't be real. This doctor isn't real. I wasn't saved; I am still in the room hanging by chains obviously passed out by the pain. This isn't real.

The door opens and I see her. No. She isn't real. This isn't real. You don't exist. You left me. You killed them.

I stand and see her arms open.

No! This isn't going to happen. The Capitol cannot trick me again. She isn't real. Everything about her is a lie.

I place my hands around her neck, and begin to squeeze.

You aren't real! You don't exist!

She starts to choke for air. You aren't real!

I feel a sharp pain on the back of my head and my eyes go black. In fact everything goes black, probably now I will be back where I deserved, the only place that I can feel anything. Pain is all I feel, torture is what I have become. Already dead on the inside, hanging from chains.

I wake up the pain on my head is nothing compared to what I have felt before. I look up and see different types of light. Different kind of ceiling tiles, I try to move my hands and find that I have restraints on. Confused I look down and see that I am in a hospital gown. I have tubes running through my arms.

"Peeta, how are you?"

"No, you aren't real," I say beginning to cry. "This isn't real. Why can't I wake up from this nightmare."

"Nurse, increase the dose to 10 cc's of morphling." He says.

Morphling? I feel the liquid coming into my body. It causes me to have a calm feeling. It has an immediate effect on me, as I feel the pain inside my heart slowly drifting away. The memory starts to fade and I am beginning to feel nothing. The nothingness of oblivion sure is tempting.

"Peeta, are you hungry?" he asks.

_Peeta are you hungry? Isn't that what the doctor from the Capitol said?_

"Nurse keep the morphling on 10 cc's every twenty minutes. I see a spike in his hypothalamus, map that. Run beta blockers to that part of brain, let's see if we cannot begin to undo this mess they created" he says. "Also start a line of saline to get him hydrated. We are going to have to feed him intravenously."

"Doctor we have some people from the military that want to question him," a nurse says.

"No, it is too soon. He isn't ready." He says.

"You have one day. You get him there." The military man says.

"One day, to undo everything that they did to the poor boy? You need to give me more time." He says to the military man as he was walking away.

"So you have to undo everything they did in a day?" I ask. "How are you going to do that?"

"Well Peeta, we believe that you are suffering from what we call hijacking." He says. "Did they ever use a term like this?"

"No, can't remember." I say.

"It is okay, Peeta. We will not push you if you are not ready. But the thing with hijacking, is that it is an experimental drug that attacks the hypothalamus part of your brain. This area control anger and aggression. It is like a tree, the roots attach to the hypothalamus and its base is in the hippocampus which is the area of the brain which houses short term memories and transfer them to long term memories. It also responsible for spatial navigation or your ability to walk in a straight line." He says.

Something is different about this Doctor. Even with the pressure he is not pushing.

"What we are trying to do is to slowly remove each root attached by introducing morphling. However we are having difficulties because of increase in the electrical output of your brain. It seems like they have added this as sort of a security system. It is what we call PSVT, or paroxysmal supraventricular tachycardia. In layman's term, it is when your heart has rapid heart rate."

I look at him. He is actually trying to explain to me what they did. The not knowing is something that has never easy. To not know what is going on inside your body.

"Why the restraints?" I ask.

"Well one of the effects of what they did is that to protect itself your hippocampus shuts down and you have short term amnesia. Although this doesn't help you, your hypothalamus goes into overtime, which causes you to have real fits of anger." He says.

I nod no.

I see the trembling in my hands. I look at my fingers they are swollen and the flashes come through like someone shining a very bright light into my eyes. The pain is extensive.

"Breathe, in and out," I hear in my ear. "Concentrate on your breathing. One simple thing. In….and…out."

I follow the suggestion and find that the headache slowly subsides.

"That happens a lot?" He asks.

"Only sometimes. The tremors are the worst. They are either small or my whole body begins to shake." I say.

"Tremors…hmm. That is something new." He says. "Nurse did you get the area where the tremors are?"

"Doctor the tremors are tied to the central nervous system. It seems we have found another attachment of the tree." She says.

I see him writing it down on a chart. He stops and thinks of what he could do.

"Peeta, I want to try something. If you will allow me." He says.

"Something with needles?" I say inching away from him.

"Peeta, listen to me." He says.

I look at him.

"The one thing I can guarantee from me is that if you can follow through. I can guide you out of this." He says.

"Okay, so what do you want to try." I say.

"I want to bring someone to help you establish what we call a reality foundation. The long term memory of your mind is something that the Capitol couldn't affect, or from what we can see. If we can establish a foundation, then any new short term memory that is affected would be in conflict with the so-call base line truth. If we can kill the source then the branches or ties would have to release. Well that is my thought process, medically. Psychologically, it is someone that that give your mind a sense of safety." He says. "If you feel that you cannot continue or if you feel anything different then tell me and we will stop and let you recover."

I take a deep breath in and nod.

"Bring her in," He says.

I see someone come in. I look at her. She is so familiar. Who is she.

"Peeta? It's Delly. From home." She says.

"Delly?" I say. It can't be. The first real thing that I can touch from home. I see her smile and immediately remember the times we spent in school. She is a good friend of mines from District Twelve. "Delly. It's you."

She reaches out to grab my hand. Trust your instincts and the fact that you can feel her hand means that she is real.

"Yes!" she says making an obvious sign from top to bottom. Obviously it makes me smile and almost laugh. Same old Delly. "How do you feel?"

"Awful. Where are we? What happened?" I ask.

"Well…we're in District Thirteen. We live here now," Delly says.

District Thirteen. Don't remember being brought here. Could it be what Doctor Aurelius said about short term amnesia as a sort of protection? But why would it be protecting itself. It is almost like protection from pain.

"That's what people have been saying. But it makes no sense. Why aren't we home?" I ask.

I see Delly hesitate a little. It isn't going to be easy what she is going to say.

"There was…an accident. I miss home badly too. I was only thinking about those chalk drawings we used to do on the paving stones. Yours were so wonderful. Remember when you made each one a different animal?" She says.

"Yeah." I smile. Those were good days. We just drive things on the pavement in school. A way to escape. "Pigs and cats and things." The words hang in the air.

"You said…about an accident?" I ask.

"It was bad. No one…could stay." She says. "But I know you're going to like it here, Peeta. The people have been really nice to us. There's always food and clean clothes, and school's much more interesting." She says.

"Why hasn't my family come to see me?" I ask.

"They can't." Dell says. I see her eyes begin to tear up. I feel the trembles in my body. Something is wrong. I begin to feel my heart race. It is happening, this one is bad too. I try to focus on breathing but it seems like my lungs cannot grab enough air. The war. The flashes of the war. Bombs blowing up, people dying. The dam flooding and killing everyone. I remember seeing the soldiers with guns and the bombings of the Districts. I see her blending by the ashes.

The ashes. No. I don't want to go down that road. It feels almost like the darkness is trying to creep in again, trying to steal my mind again. I cannot bear it anymore, losing myself to something that I cannot control. She sees my eyes begin to tear up.

"A lot of people didn't get out of Twelve. So we'll need to make a new life here. I'm sure they could use a good baker. Do you remember when your father used to let us make dough girls and boys?" She continues.

"There was a fire," I say remembering. The pain in my heart becomes more evident than before.

"Yes," she whispers.

"Twelve burned down, didn't it? Because of her," I say.

_Yes because of her. She is the reason you are in restraints. She is the reason your parents are not here. Everything that you know is gone because of her._

"Because of Katniss!" I start to pull trying to get up.

"Oh no, Peeta. It wasn't her fault," she says.

"Did she tell you that?" I ask demanding an answer.

"She didn't have to. I was -" Delly starts to say.

"Because she is lying! She's a liar! You can't believe anything she says! She's some kind of mutt the Capitol created to use against the rest of us!" I yell.

"No. Peeta. She's not a -" Delly starts to say.

"Don't trust her, Delly," I say yelling at her. "I did, and she tried to kill me. She killed my friends. My family. Don't even go near her! She's a mutt!"

Someone comes and takes Delly away.

"A mutt! She's a stinking mutt!" I yell. "She killed everyone in District Twelve, and she will kill everyone here! Don't listen to her!"

I start to thrash in the bed. I see Doctor Aurelius coming in.

"Peeta, you have to calm down." He says. "Nurse up the sedative."

I feel my mind begin to calm, and my eyes begin to close.

"A mutt. She is a mutt." I mutter as I feel my body calm down to a state of sleep. My eye lids begin to close slowly.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

Darkness fills my dreams. Colors and jumble images flash through my mind. Conversations combine to make nonsensical ramblings. Everything is all chaotic and nothing makes sense.

I focus my mind on one thought. If I could just remember him. I open my eyes and see the wooden ceiling, the cool morning as I feel the starchy blanket on my body. It isn't the Capitol sheets, it is the hospital gown. I look around and see my old room. Although it isn't the way I remember it. There are times when the flashes cut it out and I see white walls instead.

I look down and see that I have both my feet. I wiggle my toes and realize that it is a dream but it doesn't matter right now. I place my feet on the warm wood floor and can hear someone downstairs. The sunlight hasn't even come through the blinds so I know that it could only be one person.

I run downstairs not caring who I woke up. I jump the last couple of steps and hit hard on the floor.

"Peeta," He says. "Sssh. You'll wake everyone up."

"Papa," I say run over to him and hug him.

"Hey," He says unsure for the reason behind the hug. "What's going on?"

"Nothing, nothing, I just missed you that's all." I say wiping my tears on my pajamas sleeves.

"Got something on your mind?" He says.

"That is just it, I can't think straight. Something is wrong with my memories." I begin to say, frustrated on the inability to even speak correctly.

"Take it easy, Peeta." He says.

"Papa, I feel like I am losing myself. I don't know how to come back. I don't see the light." I say.

"Come," He says. We walk to the back door of the bakery. He opens the door and we see the tree in the backyard. We walk down the steps to the ground. I can feel the instability of the surround area. Almost like my mind is fighting to keep my conscious in this memory.

"Do you see this tree? What do you see on the ground?" He says.

"I don't know leaves?" I say.

"No on the ground there," he says pointing at the shadow of the tree.

"It is its shadow." I say.

"What do you need to cast a shadow, Peeta?" He says.

It dawns on me like a light bulb above my head.

"Light," I say smiling.

"When you feel that you are surrounded by darkness or you feel like you don't see the light. Look for a shadow and go the opposite direction. There will be your light." He says.

I smile and he places his arms around me.

"I will miss you the most," I say.

"Well you will always have me…here," He says pointing at my heart. "Peeta remember that we are never truly gone, we continue in the eyes of our children and when you have children you will know what I mean."

I close my eyes wishing to stay in this place, knowing full well that this would not possible.

"Doctor he is coming to," I hear through the haze.

I look around and see that there is a group of people working around me. And just like that they slowly file out of the room and leave me and Dr. Aurelius in the room.

"What is up with the commotion, I was trying to sleep," I say trying to chuckle.

He smiles. "Well this was the very first time that we were able to stabilize the hippocampus. The dream that you were having was having the same REM pattern that a normal person would have when dreaming."

"That is good?" I say unsure of anything he just said.

"That is very good. It is always progress. Moving forward although an inch is always better than moving backwards." He says.

I see the door open and see someone coming with a tray of food. I look at her, slender tall and a little sheepish. I know her for somewhere, can't really place her though. She keeps her head down and walks softly. She places the tray on a nearby table and rolls it over to me.

"Ah, Dinner time. Peeta. Don't let the setbacks keep you from moving forward. Small progress is still progress." He says walking out the room.

The young lady moves the tray to me. She removes the covers. There is no hint of fear in her actions. She isn't fazed by the restraints or the fact that many people might consider me mad. She moves a chair over and sits down.

"Turnip soup," She says as she grabs a spoonful.

"Doesn't taste all that good, but I add a little bit of sugar to help" she says whispering.

I take the spoonful of soup and she is right the taste is awful. At least in the Capitol I had some meatloaf before the torturing began. I guess they feel that feeding me intravenously is counterproductive since they want to get me ready for the real world.

The face I make causes her to giggle. That is when I remember where I know her from.

"Well hello Primrose," I say with a smile. "How are you?"

"You recognized me?" She says. "The doctors were saying that you might not even know it is me."

"The giggle gave you away." I say.

"How are you feeling?" She asks.

"Tired, exhausted, feeling spread a little too thin." I say.

"Well this turnip soup is known to get you right up to strength." She says with a jolt of energy.

"Is that so?" I ask. "Well if that is the case, hook a drum full of it directly into my veins."

"I will see what I can do." She says.

"How is your mother?" I ask.

"Worried." She says. "She is always worried."

It reminds me of my father, pacing back and forth for as long as I can remember the tired eyes from lack of sleep, and the silence between the words that cut through you like a sharp knife, hoping that you are not the cause of it, but knowing that you are.

"About your sister?" I ask.

"No," she says. "She is worried about you."

The strain on my face causes her to slowly place the spoon on the bowl. I close my eyes and the flash of her mother on the last day before the Quell comes to mind. She gave me something, although I cannot remember what it was.

Finally letting out my breathe I concentrate on breathing in and out and slow my body down.

"Sorry," I say. "Didn't mean to scare you."

"You didn't." She says. "I have seen worst."

The things Prim has seen I can only imagine. Her mother and her always been the healers back in our District. Me here strapped to a bed going mad doesn't even cause her to flinch.

"What do they say you have?" She asks.

"Don't know, something to do with memories and triggers of rage due to it. Hijack something or other." I say. "You don't think your mother would know some natural herbal way of curing me?"

"Would have to ask her," she says.

I look at her. She is looking down to her hands. You can tell she wants to say something.

"What is it Primrose?" I ask.

"Well they told me not to upset you, but can I do something?" She asks.

"Sure." I says.

She stands and moves the chair away. She comes nears me and up to my face so that I am looking at her face to face. She moves my long blonde strands from my face. She places the hair behind my ear. She comes near to my ear. She kisses me on the cheek.

"Thank you for saving us," She whispers. "The warning saved us."

The memory of the bakery comes into mind. A tear forms in my eyes. This sweet little girl that I remember back in District Twelve asking for a cupcake is now pleading that I forgive her sister.

"It's hard to accept." I say.

"That night I heard her crying in the night," she says. "She needs you, just like you need her. I think…probably you just forgot how much."

She stands and walks away. Her words stick in my mind. She needs me? Why would she? She has Gale. How could Prim know that she misses me? Did she tell her? Anyone can say that and not really mean it. Was she saying this just to make me feel better?

For a while no one comes in. Although I see him looking at me through the glass. His eyes focus on me. If I wasn't so preoccupied with leaving the detention center I would have more than likely killed him that day and not felt guilty one bit. I don't think I would get another opportunity to do so, so I just think about what life would be if he and I never existed. If he would have died that day in Twelve, or if I had died that day in the Arena.

_He stole her from you. Don't you remember that? She fought with all her strength to survive the Hunger Games just to be with him. _

I close my eyes and focus on breathing. Focus on getting better, finding the light in the shadows. I hear the door open and close. The footsteps echo on the tile floor. If he has come into the room I have to maintain myself calm. When I open them I see a Dr. Aurelius standing in front of me.

"Peeta, we feel that we have come to a conclusion on how best to help you the quickest." He says.

"What is that?" I say.

"Well you remember the illustration of the tree and the roots. Well instead of attacking the roots we are going to attack the tree." He says. "We have spent looking at your chart and found that when the memory has to deal with Katniss, it is when everything is activated. So we are going to go piece by piece and see if we cannot work through it so that the mention of her or the sight of her causes you to go into an episode. Sounds fair?"

The mention of her name, it is like a switch is turned on that many times I cannot turn off.

"If that will help then okay." I say.

"We are going to do what I suspect they did to you. They showed you footage when you were with her no?" He asks.

"Yes," I say.

"Well we are going to pick one scene and work off there. Okay?" He says.

A television is wheeled into the room and is placed in front of me. The Capitol seal is shown and suddenly I see the rain and thundering. The camera zooms in on me.

"Still raining?" She asks.

"Yup, still raining." I tell her.

"Peeta," she says. "You said at the interview you'd had a crush on me forever. When did forever start?"

"Oh, let's see…" I start to say.

I start to mouth the words knowing full well what I said, but not realizing that I am remembering something that they never showed me.

"I guess the first day of school. We were five. You had on a red plaid dress and your hair…it was in two braids instead of one. My father pointed you out when we were waiting to line up," I say.

The video is paused and Dr. Aurelius looks at me.

"Now I want you to realize that this is a memory that you had before the Games. It is what we call a long term memory. Can you remember it? When you were five?" He asks.

"I remember…I remember…the leaves were crunchy that fall." I begin. "The sun was peeking through the trees."

"How did you feel?" He asks.

"Happy. Walking with my father to school for the first time." I say.

"Now do you trust your father?" He asks.

"With my very life." I say.

"Think now, why did your father point out Katniss to you?" He asks.

"We he was telling me how he wanted to marry the mother of that little girl." I say. "He had told me some story how she ran off with a coal miner because he could sing."

Just like that, I see her in a plaid dress with the two braids and I feel calm.

"The memory of her we are enhancing with morphling." He says. "A little advice from a certain little girl from District Twelve who was just in."

Prim. She is always looking out for me.

"Now I am going to pose you a question and I want you just to really think about it before your answer." He says.

"If your father whom you love trusts her and this memory is from when you were five. How could the Capitol have engineered her as some muttation?" He asks.

I have to think about it for a while. It makes more sense to see that my father would never want to hurt me. Out of all the people in this world he loved me and would never lie to me. So if he trusts her, probably I should.

_It is a trap. You know it. The Doctor is only using the image of your dead father to win support for the rebel cause. _

"Breathe." I hear. "In and out."

"Ask yourself. Could she be a mutt, as you yelled before to Delly?" He asks.

_You are playing right into their hands. You are a weakling if you could believe him. _

"Breathe, Peeta. Come on, answer the question. Could she be a mutt, a creation of the Capitol?" He asks again.

"No, she couldn't have been." I finally get out.

I see my hands and it starts to shake uncontrollably. I feel it coming from the pit of my stomach.

"He is seizing. Push the neurontin into his system." He says.

The liquid flows and the shaking begin to stop.

"Welcome back," He says. "Small progress is…"

"Still progress." I finish.

"Do you want to continue?" He asks.

"If it gets me closer," I say.

"The first example was one that we can establish through a third party base line, to bring you into the reality of what actually happened through your own conclusions. This next example will be on where you would have to rely on your instincts." He says.

They start the next scene on the television and it is of Katniss speaking.

"Did I ever tell you about how I got Prim's goat?" she says.

I see that I shake my head no.

"I sold an old silver locket of my mother's and with the money I got for it. I went to the market so I could buy dress materials. I saw an old man in the distance who herd small goats." She says.

"You mean Goat man?" I ask.

She shakes her head yes. "Well one of the goats he had was lying down in a cart. When I approached it you can tell the reason why. It was probably mauled by a dog or something because you can see that the infection had already set in." She says.

Something is off about the story. She doesn't mention Gale. I shake off the inconsistency.

"The Goat man told me that that she was already spoken for by Rooba the butcher. Wouldn't you know it Rooba didn't want the goat after all and I was able to haggle down the price."

I look at Dr. Aurelius and he is looking at my expression to make sure that I am not rejecting what I am seeing or if it is triggering an episode.

"My mother went to work on it, grinding up herbs and coaxing brews down the animal's throat."

"They sound like you," I say.

"Oh, no, Peeta. They work magic. That thing couldn't have died if it tried." She says looking at me.

"Don't worry. I'm not trying," I say smiling. "Finish the story."

The scene is paused.

"So this is where you trust your instincts." He says.

"Well that is the thing. The story isn't true." I say.

"What do you mean? We are showing you what was broadcasted to all of Panem." He says.

Confusion sets in. This isn't the story she told me. I search in my head for any sense of truth and found that the story wasn't true. Why would she lie and if she lied about this then what else did she lie about. The memories I have now they are suspected even more because what I have heard from people might not even be what is the truth.

She was so proud of the moment where she caught a young buck. She told me that carrying the 150 pound deer was not the smartest move she made but that she really needed the money for Prim's birthday gift. She sold it to Rooba and got the money that way to buy the goat.

I see the light from a flash light blink on and off and finally.

"What is that for?" I ask.

"Well after several hours of not talking, you had me sort of worried." He says.

"Several hours?" I say. "Hey what happened to the Goat?"

"The Goat?" He says.

"Yeah, the goat that she got for Prim." I say.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven

I think of District Twelve in the hours where it is supposedly night. I can remember only bits and pieces of it but the small things I do remember are only a couple of seconds of a bigger picture. I still can remember the warm wood feeling on my feet in the mornings in our old house on the second floor of the bakery.

I can still remember the stars from the cave in the Games, and even sometimes I can hear the thunder in my dreams. The lightning though makes me jump now. It has been easier to sleep somewhat, although I still wake up sometimes in a cold sweat.

Nightmares are a given and lately it has been of the uncertainty of how they died. It is something that I want to know but my heart cannot bear the information.

Everything is quieter today. There is no movement in the earlier mornings in hospital wing. Doctor Aurelius comes into my room; his face is one of disappointment.

"Good morning Peeta, your military debrief is today and I couldn't continue to postpone it any further." He says. "I will be with you until the actual debrief."

Behind the doctor was a military man standing as straight as possible. He approached me and removed my restraints. As I stand he attaches new restraints to my hands.

"Mr. Mellark, the President would like to speak with you. This is just a precaution" He says.

The President? District Thirteen has a President? All of our other Districts have only Mayors. Something about this brings me an uneasy feeling. So many things I do not know or understand about the workings of District Thirteen. How long have they been here? Why haven't they made contact before this to any of the Districts? If they have been working all this time, did the Capitol know and if they did why didn't they do anything about it?

They have their own military, government, hospital and air fleet of hovercrafts. They have their own power system because if not they would be obtaining energy from the Capitol.

Doctor Aurelius follows along with a nurse behind me. There are four arm guards taking me through the hallway. There is no prep this time to meet the President.

They walk with no conversation and the hallway has no one else in it. We approach a door and they used their hand print to open the door. The room has three glass walls that are tinted so that you cannot see behind it, recording equipment more than likely. In the center of the room is a grey metal desk stands and four chairs.

"We will be in the next room," Doctor Aurelius says. "Remember to focus on your breathing, should you have the need to."

I walk in and they show me to a chair. I sit down and they make me lift my hands as they attach a chain to the restraints. It connects to the desk which is bolted to the ground. All the four chairs are bolted to the ground. It is especially chilly in the room and being in a hospital gown with an open back doesn't help. The chairs are uncomfortable and the fact that I am chained to a desk doesn't inspire comfort.

The door opens and two people come into the room. One is a soldier with an all black uniform, and a pistol already unbuttoned from the hostler. The other one is about fifty or so. Grey hair that falls to her shoulders. The odd thing about it is the fact that not one hair is out of place; every strand is the same length and straight as a nail. Her grey suit has no wrinkles. How they do that, I wonder. Do they stand all day and never sit?

"Peeta, welcome to our facility." She says. "I am Alma Coin, the president of District Thirteen."

"I would shake your hand but," I say lifting my hands showing the restraints.

"That is standard protocol when a psychological trauma has occurred. It is for both your protection and the other." She says. "The reason behind this is the following."

She signals to the soldier next to her. Probably she is her bodyguard? The soldier takes out a black envelope and opens it to show documents.

"First, we would like to thank you for the on camera warning of the pre-emptive bombing. Second I personally would like to know your intentions here in our District. Are you for the rebellion or for the Capitol?" She says.

Am I for or against? I have seen the horrors of war and neither side looks promising. Both sides want to use us for support and neither side offer peace but more war.

"Can I be honest?" I ask.

"Please I would hope you would be." She responds.

"If I could choose a side, it would be neither." I say. "Would I stop the Hunger Games if I could so that no one else would die, of course I would no one deserves to die. But killing others to stop the killing is counterproductive."

"I see," She says. "Freedom always has a price, and those who do not see it are as naïve as the little children that play Cowboys and Indians."

"Killing is never justified when it is preventable." I say.

"Well if you were me, how would you solve this little problem that we have? Your idea of a cease fire?" She says.

I have to think about it for a little bit. What would I do? The cease fire would stop the violence but not the problem. There is no answer to it. Probably the cease fire isn't the real solution but neither is killing you own people.

"Burning the crops of District Eleven was so inspired that now people are dying of starvation." I shoot back.

"Collateral damage." She responds.

"Collateral damage?" I ask raising my voice. "Those are people, families, children; they are not some statistic in a book. They are my family! People that I will never again see because they died never wishing to be a part of this war. My family died in your little war."

"We can debate the philosophy of war all day and get nowhere." She says. "Tell me about what you saw when you were in their Detention Center."

"Didn't see much from being tortured all day." I say.

"Do not think that because of a document signed by Soldier Everdeen that you are excused from the consequences of withholding information." She says sternly. "Immunity does excuse you from death, but not from confinement."

I examine the statement. Immunity? What did she do? The whole idea is perplexing. She notices it and smiles.

"From your facial expression it could only mean that you did not know about this little agreement we have." She says.

"I do know." I say, obviously lying.

"So you know that if she does not perform, your immunity and the immunity of the other Victors that we have rescued from the Capitol would be null and void so therefore our military tribunal would weight your actions against District Thirteen." She says.

Why would she do this?

"Then ask me the question again." I say.

"Are you for the rebellion or for the Capitol?" She asks.

"The rebellion of course," I say with a smile. "I want to be active though, I want to help the cause. Don't want someone else in control of my life, without me making sure…" I start to say.

The solider next to the president places his finger on the in-ear radio. The president looks to the soldier to see what the transmission was about.

"Is that confirmed?" He asks.

He then leans over and whispers something in the president ears. She looks down as to trying to understand clearly.

"Confirmed?" She asks.

"Not yet, but we will know soon." He says.

She turns to me and slowly removes the paper and places it back in the black envelope.

"Thank you so much for the meeting, Peeta." She says. "But it seems that we would not need you to go 'active' as you said."

"Why? What has happened?" I say.

"Have a good day. We will have this chat again soon." She says and walks out.

The soldiers come in and suddenly they unchain me from the desk and take me back to my room. Something has happened. From the obvious joy that the president shown it is some kind of victory, some kind of death.

Once back in my room and restrained to my bed, the soldier leaves and Dr. Aurelius comes in after him.

"You promised never to lie to me." I say. "What has happened?"

"From what I know, rebels are going to implement some sort of plan to take control of the 'nut'." He says.

"The nut?" I say confused. "What is that?"

"The mountain in District Two. Where the air force of the Capitol is located," he says. "They are trying to confirm things now."

I look down at my hands and see the sight twitch.

"Small progress is still progress," I repeat and give a big sigh.

"Let's try something." He says. "Guard, can you remove the restraints."

"Sir, it is for your protection that his restraints are kept on at all times." He begins to say.

"Until the acting doctor seems fit that he is no longer a threat." Doctor Aurelius says. "I know what the order says, and I am the acting doctor and I see fit that he is no longer a threat to me."

"Doctor, probably this isn't a good idea," I begin to say.

"Trust me, Peeta." He says. "Now soldier do what I said."

He walks over and unclips his gun from the holster. He takes out the key and removes the restraints.

I look at my hands for the first time and see the cut from the restraints on my wrists. I begin to rub them as to try and get feeling back into my hands.

"Nurse," He calls out. A nurse comes out and stands at the doctor's side. "The situation in two, has it be resolved?"

"They are going to implement the plan as scheduled later today. Final preparations are currently underway." She says.

"Do me a favor, let me know the minute you know something different and bring me some pudding." He says. She turns and walks away.

"Not the best, but goes good with what our next little technique." He says.

"More video memories?" I ask.

"Of sorts." He says.

The nurse comes back with two bowls of pudding.

"Thank you nurse," he says. "This is one of the reasons for the restraints."

I look at him confused.

"Well I wasn't going to be spoon feeding you pudding now am I?" he says smiling.

He moves another chair and places them next to the existing chair for both of us. I sit now on the chair and see that he moves the television close to me.

The image that comes onto the television is blurred and you can tell not edited. It is as someone saw something and recorded it. It wasn't scripted, just something that happened in the moment.

The focus is place on a girl singing. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. It is unmistakable who it is that is singing. The memory of the valley song comes to mind. The words though I heard once. I cannot place it though but I recognize it.

"Are you, are you

Coming to the tree

Where they strung up a man they say murdered three.

Strange things did happen here

No stranger would it be

If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree"

Her voice is as sweet as nothing I have ever heard. Then there is what I see it. All the birds, all the mockingjays they suddenly go quiet. She is in a clearing singing to birds in District Twelve. Everyone goes quiet and the birds just listen. Even in the hospital room now, everyone who was walking by, just suddenly stopped and looked at the television.

It reminds me of a day when I was six years old. It was an early morning day in the spring when I heard a knock on the back door of the kitchen. I was sitting in my chair eating cereal when my father went to the back door, already having two loaves of bread in his hand.

"Are you, are you

Coming to the tree

Where the dead man called out for his love to flee

Strange things did happen here

No stranger would it be

If we met up at midnight in the hanging tree"

He had come in with a trade for my father and that is when I heard it. The same song sung by the hunter. He had begun to sing it as he was walking away. The birds had stopped singing and were just listening to his song.

"Papa, was that the coal miner?" I ask.

"Yes, son, that was the coal miner." He says.

"What does the song mean?" I ask.

"When you are older, I will tell you. Now eat your cereal and get ready for school." He says smiling.

Always wanted to meet him. He died I think in a mining accident.

"I have heard that song before," I tell the Doctor.

"Really?" He says. "From where?"

"Katniss's father use to sing that song when I was younger." I begin to say. "His song would always cause the bird to stop singing and listen. Well that is what my father told me. Seeing her sing it, I see she has the same affect."

We talk about the effect of this on my memories. This is the first time that a memory of her doesn't cause me to spasm, or even have the slightest headache. He looks pleased at his work. Who would have thought that it being almost a month since I was rescued from the Detention Center and we are finally seeing some real progress.

"Still a long road ahead, but this is a real milestone, Peeta." He says. "You have done more than your part, allowing yourself to relive these memories and having to go through the effects."

"Well the morphling helps. Wonder what will happen without it." I say.

"Don't you worry; we will cross that bridge when we get there." He says.

A nurse walks in and whispers something in the Doctor's ear. He nods and I see his face change from a smile on the progress to a sense of worry.

He looks up at her.

"Prep for the O.R. rooms." He tells her.

"What happened?" I ask.

"The results of war. They have concluded an assault on the 'nut' and we have to be prepared for casualties." He says.

He walks out talking to the nurses on the way out. I look around and not being able to know what is going on weighs on my conscience. It is conflicting, seeing the side of a girl singing in the woods, making deals for people lives and the other side of causing this whole thing to start. There are wars happening inside and I don't know who is winning.

All the videos that I watch of her motivating the rebels and the districts to fight wasn't because she wanted to but because she was doing her part to keep us alive should we ever be rescued.

Trying to obtain absolution for all the pain she has created? To gain forgiveness from the people she has hurt and family that was taken?

The hospital goes into prep mode and I see everyone running around getting beds ready and people moving into position. It reminds me of that day in the broadcast room where the chaos that happened when the rebels broke into the transmission. Just hope this time I am not to blame and I don't get punch in the face for what I said to the president.

Through the chaos I see her walking in. Her face filled with worried. She grabs the nearby chair and sits down.

"No turnip soup this time?" I ask.

"No, I didn't know where else to go." She says.

"What's wrong?" I ask.

She crosses her arms and looks away. I see she is truly upset. The little girl from District Twelve. Can remember that time I snuck her some cookies. She was so happy back then.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath knowing what is coming. I feel it start in my left hand and move up my arm. It starts to shake, and I begin to breathe deeply trying to control the shake. It is a battle inside that is a constant thing, something that I cannot get away from.

"I don't want to upset you," she says.

I motion for her to stay. The breathing is harder and louder now and it is enough to make her stand.

"It is about your sister?" I ask.

She nods and I can see her hand go up to get face to wipe away a tear.

"I know about the deal she made with the president. Prim why did she do that?" I ask.

"Do you really have to ask?" She says. "My sister always told me that you were very observant."

"Is that what has you upset?" I ask. "That she is there in District Two, trying to keep her end of the bargain."

She nods. "It is more than that though. I don't know how to explain it but it is like she is torn on the inside. You know what I mean?"

Sadly I do. Being torn from the inside out, everyone thinking that you are okay on the outside but just falling apart on the inside it is something that I know all too well. We are all called to be strong and yet can never fall apart. A house of cards just waiting for the wind to come and blow it all down, it is the thing that I have been holding in since the Hunger Games. Having to always be strong, even when everything was falling apart. To be there for people when all you want is someone to hold your hand.

"Prim," I say. "Thank you."

"For what?" She says.

"For trying to save me." I say

She smiles remembering the day in the bakery.

Just then we both look to the outside commotion and see people running.

"She's been shot!" A guard yells out. "Transports are on route. ETA five minutes."

Prim looks at me, with horror in her eyes. She runs out before I can say a word. I stand up suddenly and find that soldier has made a move to his gun.

"Woah, woah. I just want to know what is going on." I say. "Can you please find out for me?"

"It is classified information, I apologize but only military personnel have access to sensitive materials." He says.

I dismiss him and walk towards the glass and can see everyone running. I see the elevator begin the ascent to the top floor. This was the same elevator they brought me in so I know that the hovercraft landed and the wounded are starting to come. Who was shot?

The door opens and I see a group of doctors running alongside the stretcher. It is like time slows down and I can see people scrambling to make sure that she is still breathing. I lift up my hand to the glass and when she comes into focus, I feel my heart begin to race.

A single word escapes my mouth that I didn't expect, that I couldn't expect. The word was in desperation.

"No."


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter Twelve

A constant battle, where there are no winners, at least that is what it seems like. What do you do when you don't even know what to think anymore? When even your own memories conflict with your emotions. I think about all the things about her that I hate, the things that bring my blood to a boil. Then there are sometimes however moments when a reflex or an instinct kicks in and before I have time to think about it, my emotions places me in a place where I want to protect her.

Where is there relief, where is there peace when the torture is on going and is always with you? I would gladly take the pain of physical torture or even the everlasting peace of death than to have no peace. To be constantly second guessing yourself.

I look at her, and finally can see that she is stable and breathing. It took hours of just no knowing, of pacing back and forth. The guard was even a little worried about the pacing. I had to reassure him that I was not having an episode.

I walk over to the bed and sit on the edge. Food has no taste, and sleep has lost its attraction. I spend time just staring at the floor, trying to make sense of these conflicts. Do I still have feelings for her? After all the pain and after all the deceit, does my heart hold no memory of it? How do you reconcile the heart and the mind when they are in constant battle with themselves?

A war of memories.

I close my eyes and try to dream, try to imagine and nothing comes out. Reality is where I want to be and if I sleep, if I dream, then I may lose the reality of what I know it is true.

Nurses come and place trays of food on the table. I stare at it. Wondering when will she wake up. I hate her for making me feel this way. How she still has a hold of me, when all I want to be is free of her. I see Gale come and go, to check on her. He looks at me from outside the window. His eyes angry shows flashes of anger. There are the same eyes that sometimes I see at myself when I stare long enough in a mirror. I hate what I have become. They tell me that I tried to choke her, it is a memory that I do not remember, although there are a lot of things that I do not remember. After a couple of hours, I see a familiar face.

"Good morning, Peeta," He says. "Seems like you didn't sleep."

"Couldn't, Doctor," I say.

"Was it because of the medication?" He asks.

"No, couldn't stop my mind from thinking, contradicting what I was feeling," I say.

He weighs what I am saying as something of a milestone or setback. More than likely it is a setback not being able to discern what is real and what isn't.

"There is a possibility that I may be able to get you some textile therapy." He says. "Still trying to cut through all the red tape with the military, but if we can get approval I think it will be very beneficial."

He turns away and starts to walk out the door.

"Doctor," I say.

He turns and gives me a quizzical look.

"How is she?" I ask.

He looks at me, wondering why I would ask. I don't even know why I am asking. I feel ashamed for asking, and a little bit like I don't know why I would even care.

"Well she is resting. The bullet did not pierce the armor in her suit; however we did need to remove her spleen as it was damage beyond repair." He says. "I would take you to see her but I don't think that would be wise until we can gauge how you would react to it."

I take a deep sigh.

"Small steps," He continues. "You are making progress. I will be back, I need to check on her make sure that everything is okay. Do you want something to help you sleep?"

I shake my head no. The last thing I need is more drugs in my system. I lay back on the bed. My body lets me know that it is time for the collapse; it is time to slip away to the dreams that still haunt me.

I close my eyes and see nothing but darkness. I feel the demons coming to get me. Honestly that is one of the reasons why I hardly sleep, it isn't that I am not tired, I am exhausted, but it is more that I am fearful of what I will see.

I look around and find that I am in the forest, the leaves rustling through the wind. I feel the heat and see the smoke. I hear the bombing. The panic sets in and I am running towards the fire, and not away. I cannot see where I am going or why I am running but something in my heart tells me to run.

I hear the screams and as much as I am running I am not getting closer. I stop and place my hands on my knees trying to catch my breath. The screams. They cause me to close my eyes and run towards it. I crash into a fence, and quickly back up.

"Danger: High Voltage"

I see it. The Seam and it is on fire. Do I dare to go under the fence? Is it on? I hear the screams and risk it. I grab onto the fence and find that it is not on. I squeeze through the fence and find that people are running for their lives. I see a man being beaten by a group of peacekeepers by batons. I rush over to help him.

I am able to help the man being beaten, and find that it is the same old man that was blind.

"Leave him alone, if not pick on me," I yell at the peacekeepers.

"Peeta, is that you?" He asks.

"Yes, old man, it is me." I say.

He grabs me by the shirt collar.

"Don't forget Peeta. Don't forget! Don't let them take your memories." He tells me shaking me.

I stare into his eyes, his blank eyes. It is enough to bring terror to my heart. I stumble back and find that I am back on the ground twenty feet from him.

The building that is next to the peacekeepers was engulfed in flames and in a moment of weakness collapses on top of them. I run to see if I could save the blind man, but find that the flames are too much.

I hear the bombing over head. I look up and suddenly a fire bomb hits to my left and I am sent flying to the ground. Someone comes and picks me up.

"Come, we must escape." The person says.

"I can't leave!" I yell over the bombing. "I have to find them."

"Leave them, they are already dead. They are gone." The person says.

I push him off and he continues to runs toward the forest. I hurry on my feet and begin to run through the streets, seeing the horrors of people being burned alive. The tears are burned up by the heat, the unbearable heat. It causes me to raise my arm to cover my face.

It is only a couple of minutes when I see it. In the distance I see what I wish I could never have seen. Oh how I wish I was like the blind man, not able to see this.

I see the bakery on fire, the Justice Building already in ashes. The butcher's shop only a couple support beams were still standing. I start to run towards the bakery.

If I could just save them, I think to myself.

I am at the door. I start to try and force the door in. I ram the door with my shoulder. I continue to do it over and over and over. Finally I hear the door give way and I stumble into the bakery. There in the distance I see him pinned between the beams.

"Papa!" I yell.

I hear a groan, and know that he is still alive. I run to him and start to try and move the beam. The fire burns through my hand. With all my strength I try to lift it and can't.

"Papa, I am going to get you out." I say. I look around and know that the smoke it beginning to accumulate. Only a couple more minutes.

I see him lift his head.

"Peeta?" he says weakly.

I run to be next to him.

"I am here. I am here." I say.

"No, no, you can't be here. You cannot die here." He says.

"Come on you have to fight Papa, I need you to help me move the beam." I plead.

"You cannot die here," He says again. "Find your way back. Don't let the darkness over take you,."

"I can't, it all around me. I feel like I cannot breath." I say. "The smoke and the fire always creeping in on me, it robs me of my life, of my own breath."

With the last amount of strength he had. He pushes me out of the way as the second floor begins to fall on top of him.

I can still see him. He is okay.

"Find it," he yells. "Find it; find the light in the darkness. Look for the shadow!"

The fire pushes me back, back out of the doorway that I rushed into. I stumble out, coughing and collapse on the ground. I see the whole building fall apart and finally collapse.

My body freezes, unable to move, unwilling to move.

"Find it; find the light in the darkness." His voice echoes.

I close my eyes filled with tears. I grab the ground through my hands. The dirt falls through my fingers. The explosion wakes me up and I see the hospital room. I look down and find that my whole hospital gown is sweated through.

"There he is, the fool himself." A voice says.

The voice enrages me. It is the voice of a manipulative old man. I lift my eyes and there he stands, miserable and that can mean only one thing, he is sober.

"What do you want?" I say.

"To tell you to knock it off," he says "She doesn't deserve it."

"She deserve just as much as you," I snap back. "When did you plan it? Huh?! When did you plan the death of my family? Did you really hate me that much?"

"I am sorry about your family; Thomas Mellark was a good friend of mines." He responds.

"Don't you say his name, you don't get to say his name," standing to face him. "If there wasn't a guard and cameras around now, then I would love to work out my aggressions on you."

He smirks and positions himself to fight.

"If that is what you need to get over it, I can arrange it." He says.

"When did you plan it?" I start to raise my voice. "We told you to start it before the Quell, and you told us that we didn't have enough people, so when did you plan it? What changed?!"

He lowers his hands and looks at me.

"You think this is the way I wanted it to happen?" he says walking towards me. "He approached me and told me when, my job was to get both of you out."

"Lot of good that did, you failed, you left me behind." I say.

"Who told you to leave her out of your sights? Your job was simple, to keep her from dying." He says.

"She is still breathing, isn't she?" I retort. "When was the plan to kill everyone else in Twelve?"

"He approached me after the final interview," He says. "With the Victors united for the first time in a long time, he said that it was now or never."

"Who?" I ask "Who were the brains behind this debacle?"

"Does it matter?" He says. "You are just looking to blame someone. Blame the Capitol; they are the ones who created this. They are the ones who bombed the District."

I can feel the anger; it is near the surface ready to explode. I see my hands begin to shake. A single tear, is all the emotion that I would allow him to see. He doesn't deserve any forgiveness, any acknowledgment.

"You didn't save them! Your plan killed them all! You let them die! This will forever be on you!" I say.

"Good kid, whatever gets you through." He says walking away.

I start to shake violently and find myself holding onto the bed trying to get control. I can see him turn back and look at me. The trembling has calm down enough for me to hear.

"Sorry about your folks, didn't want it to happen." He says, walking out of the room. I pull myself up, and try to catch my breath. The headaches, the trembling, the uncontrollable anger, everything that is the fault of the rebels, it is the fault of them.

I turn and walk towards the glass, and I cannot help it. The tears come down. I see her there struggling to walk around, struggling to stand, her pain in her face.

Her sister's words remind me of something long forgotten.

"That night I heard her crying at night."

We don't deserve this. We didn't sign up for this. She signed a paper for something that she shouldn't have. She doesn't have to save my life; there isn't anything left to save.

The door opens and I see Doctor Aurelius walking towards me.

"She is better; they are going to be doing a propaganda showing the rest of the Districts that she is alive." He says.

I look down and see in his hands some pants and a shirt.

"Thought you would like these instead of the gown." He says.

"Thanks." I grab the clothes and change behind the divider.

"Heard you had a visitor." He says. "How are you feeling?"

People always asking me how I am, and how I am feeling, it is the most moronic thing you could ask. What do you think a person who has been to the hunger games seen the horrors of people turning from innocent children to killers. I have seen the horrors of the imagination of killers, which would come up with ways to break you, to destroy not only your body but your mind as well. They revel in the aftermath, to see you broken and destroyed. That is their end game, to see you fail at coming back.

'Find the shadow in the darkness'

"Trying to hold it together," I say.

"Well let's see if we cannot channel your emotional responses into something that you love to do." He says. "Only there are some restrictions that they have placed in order for me to do it."

We walk over to the door, and see that pair of restraints is waiting for me. I look at him and realize that although we are making progress, I am still considered a threat, to everyone here. It is like I am a ticking time bomb waiting to go off.

We walk over to a room and find something that makes me smile. It is something that I have longed to do for a long time. I walk over to the table with the tools. I run my hands over them. I haven't touched them in years.

"Peeta, I need you to help me bake a cake. Think you can help me?" He asks.

I pick up the icing bag and look at him. This is the first time I have a reason to smile.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter Thirteen

The next couple of days seem like all a blur. I spend most of my days in the rooms preparing a cake. Taking the time to get the ingredients just right, losing myself in the creation of something that I love.

Doctor Aurelius spends most of the day talking to me about memories that I find confusing. There are good moments and then there are no so good moments. He asks me about the days I spent in the detention center and I ask him about life in District Thirteen. It turns out that he specifically handles anything that has to do with the mind and brain. He says it is two different things but I don't see the difference. He says one is finite and the other is infinite. One of these days I will have to ask him to explain that one better.

He asks me about the techniques I use to make a cake. I try to explain it the way my father would explain it to me. Every day after school he would spend time explaining the secrets of his recipes to me. It is always about respecting and not forcing, creativity, well that is what my father would always tell me.

"Respecting and not forcing," he restates as to trying to understand something profound. "Sounds like your father was a wise man."

"He was," I say. "Did you know that he ran out in the middle of a snow storm to get medicine for me?"

"Sounds like something you would have done," he says.

"I don't know, he was a very brave man. I don't think that I would do something like that." I say.

Looking at the cake, it is almost done. I wonder though, who it is for.

"You never did tell me who the cake was for?" I ask.

"Well it is for two residents that are getting married, and well we feel that through the ugliness of war, we can learn to one day find something to be happy about.

"A wedding cake?" I ask.

"Yes," He responds.

"Are they in love?" I ask.

"From what they tell me, it is one of those against all odds, they find each other stories. You know those that you would only hear about and never really believing if they were true or not." He says.

"Wouldn't know what that is like," I say. "I am glad that someone out there knows what true love is all about."

He stands and inspects at the design that I am doing.

"It is amazing how you can just capture it as if it was a real flower." He says. "It seems like you have to study flowers in order to know how they would react. Did you have many gardens in District Twelve?"

I shake my head no. We didn't have much of anything. Everything was so colorless, and so depressing.

"Actually we only had this one little area; it is near the Seam, called the Meadow. I would spend most of my days there." I say.

"So how did you get to know what all these flowers look like?" He asks.

"Well it is about imaging how it would look like," I say.

The sound of a wind chime resonates in my mind. It stops the current frosting and look up.

I can still see it. The little garden in the roof top.

"Why am I here?" I ask.

"Because you have forgotten me already," she says.

"Do you remember the day before we went into the Quell?" She asks. "We spent the whole day just right there under that exact tree talking."

"No, I don't remember, and honestly I think it is for the best." I say.

She walks over to me and I brace for what she might do. She lifts up her hand and places it on my chest. I finch at the mere touch of her hand, but I do not pull back.

"Do you believe that in here?" She says. "Or are you scared of getting hurt?"

I grab her hand take it away from my chest.

"You left me," I say. "You didn't come for me. You forgot about me. That is what hurts the most."

I turn and walk away only to see that the flashes of the sun become more and more intense.

"Peeta," I hear in an echo. "Are you still there?"

Then I see him, flashing his small flash light into my eyes. It is Doctor Aurelius, standing in front of me.

"What happened?" I ask.

"You were talking about a garden, and then you just stopped." He says. "It took me an hour of trying to get you to react."

"Can you ask Haymitch to come; I would like to speak with him." I say. "There are some things I want to ask him about some memories that I have a question on."

"We would have to check your vitals. These catatonic phases worry me. What if you are stuck in the next one and never come out?" He says.

"I believe that if I can finally get some answers I probably will get better." I say.

After some reluctance, he finally concedes and walks outside to see if he can find him. There is only limited time to prepare to finally come to terms with things in my life, memories that I have to know an answer to.

The door opens after about an hour of preparation and still there is no preparation of what is going to happen.

"They say you wanted to see me?" He says.

"There are holes in my life that only the people who were there can fill. The videos that people show me can only get me so much information." I say.

"So what do you want to know?" He says.

"Where you ever nice or did you always have this sunny disposition?" I say.

A smirk from Haymitch and I know that he is suffering just as much as I am.

"The Hunger Games, why did I join the Careers?" I ask.

"Part of the plan," He says.

"What was the plan?" I say.

"You wanted for her to win, so you joined the Careers to throw them off her tracks, to slow them down." He says. "You almost died with your stupid plan."

"Like yours was any better?" I say. "Why did she drop the nest of Tracker Jackers on me?"

"That I don't know. You might have to ask her yourself." He says.

"Not a bad idea." I say. "Tell her that I want to see her."

"Anything else, you want to know, that I can clear up for you?" He says.

"Is it true that she signed an immunity document for my life?" I ask.

"Yes, it is true. Who told you?" He asks.

"The President of District Thirteen." I say. "So if she does not perform then it is null?"

"Yes," He says. "But not to worry, her job is done already."

He walks out and I am curious on that last statement. What did he mean about her job being over? The odd things people say that mean a lot unless you do not know the reason behind it, then it is just meaningless. It is how I feel right now. The memories I have of her, are all filled with anger and hatred, it isn't until someone who was there fills in the reason behind that that I have to make a decision that has meaning.

Doctor Aurelius comes in and sits me down. He takes in the sight of the finished cake. It is massive in its own right.

"What made you design the cake in this fashion?" He says.

"Don't know been thinking a lot about the ocean and the beach," I say. "I am guessing that it is a happy memory that I had, but I can't remember it."

He walks around it, and examines the details, the way the waves look like there are actually moving. Took me a while to get it just right, and it wasn't really easy. I used a technique that I don't remember ever learning, something about icing hardeners.

"I really have to talk to you about your recent decision to see Katniss." He says. "I don't think that you are ready for it. It is called baby steps not giant leaps."

"I want to get better. I don't want to feel like this." I say.

"Well there are some precautions that were are in place should you ever request to see her again, after the last time." He says.

"Doesn't matter what I have to do. I just need to ask her some questions." I say.

"Okay, come with me, we have preparations to make for her arrival." He says.

A group of people come and wheel out the cake. Funny how taking four days to get a cake done, only to have it eaten in about thirty minutes. I really hope they enjoy the cake.

I walk to the door and find the guard has the restraints ready and the gun already unclipped.

"Oh, right, security protocol." I say.

I turn around and have they placed the restraints on. He radios for the other guards and by the time we are out in the hallway the two guards are next to me walking me back to my room. They don't talk much. In fact all they do is study my movements, making sure that if I twitch that they are ready to put me down.

Once back in the room. They remove the restraints.

"So, Doctor, what are these precautions that I have to take in order to have her come here." I say.

"Lay down, it is going to take a while." He says.

I lie down and find that they take out three restraints on each arm. It is sort of excessive but I figure that from what they said, I almost did kill her. The doctor comes in with a line and a needle.

"This is the last precaution that needs to happen in order for the military to even allow her in the same room as you. This is going to be placed in your arm. On the other end their will be knock out solution to be used, if you lose control." He says.

"Do it," I say.

He connects the line to the needle and then it is placed in my neck. Feel familiar being unable to move and then have a needle stuck into your neck.

"Do your best to keep calm; don't want the military to have any ammunition to take actions that are not necessary." He says. "Oh and if I can give you some advice, be honest with what you are feeling. It helps you recover quicker because you are not putting a filter because of convention."

I stare at the ceiling, and think of all the things that I want to tell her, or ask her. Be honest, no filter, what I think, I should let it out.

I close my eyes and hear the ocean. It has been this way for the last four days. It is only small dreams of happiness. I feel the sand between my toes, and for some odd reason I hear laughter and Effie getting mad at me for some reason. I don't know if I have ever been there, or if it was an implanted memory.

It is frustrating because I wish I could just remember. Memories that have no purpose, is like being deaf and trying to make out a conversation.

I hear it. It is as clear as day. My eyes focus in on what I am remembering. The rain drops hitting the roof. I peer out of the window and see my mother yelling at someone. I focus in on the girl and find that it is Katniss. Was she digging through the garbage for food?

I remember burning the bread on purpose. I can still feel the pain of the rolling pin being hit across my face for doing so. My mother never really understood me. I remember throwing it to her. I hate myself for loving her, for feeling like this.

I open my eyes and see that it is almost midnight. I am guessing the festivities of the wedding are still going on. What if, the wedding was hers and Gale? It could be the reason why Doctor Aurelius didn't tell me who the cake was for and why he was requesting that I do not see Katniss today. Why didn't Haymitch tell me? That would have been the decent thing to do.

Why does it bother me though? If she got married then it is better that way.

_She left you. She has moved on and has forgotten you._

No, not this again. The voice. Not before her coming. I close my eyes and breath in and out trying to calm myself. The monitor shows that my heart rate has increased and I can hear the military people already requesting to cancel it.

The door opens and immediately I see her. Her eyes lock in on mines. The grey eyes unsure of the reason why she is here. Honestly I don't even know why I would feel the need to talk to her. It is an inner desire just to see how she is. She walks over to me and I look intently at her hands.

We have this tradition, this ritual in District Twelve of the burning of the bread by the two who are to be wed. There is always a sign of a burnt hand when they do this. Knowing full well that Katniss would have wanted to do that,

This is the only reason why I intently watch her sit, and cross her arms.

"Hey," she says.

"Hey," I say.

"Haymitch said you wanted to talk to me," she says.

"Look at you, for starters," I say. She sits there unsure of the reason why I called her. It is odd; I never understood the reason why people said that I loved her so much. Clearly it isn't because she was the prettiest.

"You're not very big, are you? Or particularly pretty," I say.

"Well, you've looked better," she says.

She is still defiant until the end. I start to laugh at the comment.

"And not remotely nice. To say that to me after all I've been through." I say.

"Yeah. We've all been through a lot. And you're the one who was known for being nice. Not me." She says.

"Look, I don't feel so well. Maybe I'll drop by tomorrow." She says.

She turns and walks away. A voice inside me cries out for me to stop her, to not lose her again.

"Katniss. I remember about the bread." I say.

"They showed you the tape of me talking about it," she says.

"No. Is there a tape of you talking about it? Why didn't the Capitol use it against me?" I ask.

"I made it the day you were rescued," she says. She winces in pain. I know that look; I have felt that pain before. It hurts to even talk.

"So what do you remember?" she asks.

It is only bits and pieces. I try to make a note of it, and then try to place it all together. The memories come out of order.

"You." I say. Quickly say something. "In the rain," I continue. "Digging in our trash bins. Burning the bread. My mother hitting me. Taking the bread out for the pig but then giving it to you instead."

"That's it. That's what happened." She says. "The next day, after school, I wanted to thank you. But didn't know how."

I remember that day. The whole day I tried to talk to her. Always wanted to talk to her. Ever since I was five, and never could get enough courage to do so.

"We were outside at the end of the day. I tried to catch your eye. You looked away. And then…for some reason, I think you picked a dandelion." I say.

She nods.

"I must have loved you a lot." I say.

"You did." She says coughing. I can see her blushing through the cough.

"And did you love me?" I ask her.

Her eyes move to the ground. She doesn't want me to see her eyes.

"Everyone says I did. Everyone says that's why Snow had you tortured. To break me." She says.

It is like her to always distance herself from me. I am remembering more and more about how she would never tell me how she felt. Why is it so hard to let me know that she loved me as well?

"That's not an answer," I tell her. "I don't know what to think when they show me some of the tapes. In the first arena, it looked like you tried to kill me with those tracker jackers."

"I was trying to kill you," she says. "You had me treed."

Finally some truth. I knew she was trying to kill me.

"Later, there's a lot of kissing. Didn't seem very genuine on your part. Did you like kissing me?" I ask.

"Sometimes," she says. "You know people are watching us now?"

"I know. What about Gale?" I continue.

Did she kiss me, knowing full well that he was watching? If that is the case then it was all a game and it was all for show.

"He's not a bad kisser either," she says.

Not the answer I was looking for. Was only to find out the extent of the game she was playing. I will play along though.

"And it was okay with both of us? You kissing the other?" I ask.

"No. It wasn't okay with either of you. But I wasn't asking your permission," she says.

The sass I tell you. She is a firecracker this one. Is this the reason why I loved her?

I laugh, "Well, you're a piece of work, aren't you?"

She turns and walks out the door.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter Fourteen

The door closes and I think about what I said. It is enough to cause me to be at distress. It is the worst feeling when you say something that you wish you can take back. The doctors come up to me and take my vitals and do scans and I just sit there.

After a while they all just leave and finally a guard comes and removes the restraints. Their orders are to have one guard inside the room and one outside. They talk to each other through radio contact and switch every four hours or so. The things that you notice about the fact that you are still being held prisoner even though they say it is for your own good.

After being unable to sleep for a couple of days, my body finally gives in and shuts down. That is the longest I have gone without sleeping. Three days. The fact that I cannot see outside doesn't allow your body know when it is time to sleep and when it is time to get up. You start to make out the patterns and when people's shift start and when they change. My mind is less fuzzy although it is still hard to concentrate. There are times when my dreams betray me because it goes against what I believed happened. It is the one thing that keeps me from sleeping. The three days was just because I didn't want to think about, or dream about what memories make no sense. The war of my will to stay up always loses when the body cannot function any longer.

I close my eyes and I hope that I don't dream and just rest.

My eyes focus in on a tree. I can see the grey sky in the background. I see my hand come up and touch the bark of the tree. The rough exterior has an unusual texture to it. A piece of the bark comes off in my hand and I look at it. The outside is charred and yet underneath the shell is a light color wood. It wasn't burned all the way through.

"If you cannot understand something, then just focus on the details."

Where did I learn this? It is something that is causing me to focus on the smallest thing before I can think of the largest. I look down and see the ground around it. It is the Seam after the bombing. It is the worst thing to see, the aftermath of it all. The burned buildings still smoldering from the intense heat. I look and find that there are no leaves on the tree by the Meadow in the Seam, it is just bare like it was winter.

I stare at the ground. How can I see life when all I see is death? The war and everything that it stands for, how many people have died knowing that they were only trying to survive.

It is only a couple of minutes before my doctors wake me up.

They ask me questions on how I am feeling and I wonder if they really could understand what it is like to lose your mind. How do you explain to someone that you have memories that just jump at you, and you have no sense of where to place them? We watch videos of the Games and I could ask a hundred questions on intention and no one can answer them because of only one could.

Everything is so out of control and out of place. I feel as if though I probably died in the arena and this torture is my reward for all the ones that I killed. Everyone says that I am this noble person and yet I feel that I cannot remember who that is. Every so often the doctors would allow me to walk up and down the medical level. They say it is part of my treatment so that I don't go crazy in here. They hardly ever use that word but I know everyone is thinking it. There goes the Victor from District Twelve the one who lost his mind.

We have started a new sort of treatment. He realized that the amount of control needed to bake a cake kept my mind from thinking about things so therefore it is a good thing, I guess. He gave me a book so that I could sketch or write.

I had started with small things like sketching a glass, or my hands. The thing is that I cannot remember full stories but I can remember the smallest snippets of one.

"If you need to write something down. Do it. It helps believe me." He says.

I think about all the times that I have been looking out and hoping for a chance at happiness.

I see life and realize that everything that I have always wanted is so very far away. Spending time just daydreaming, I can remember just how I felt sometimes, when I wasn't caged in a prison.

I remember seeing the sun finally setting, the glow from the sun's ray meeting the earth for the last day. Almost like an embrace.

What do you know? I remember what my father would tell me about the sunsets. I remember seeing it from the tree in the meadow. Knowing full well that day, that I had to let her go, never realizing that I will miss her, never realizing that it would be the hardest thing that I could ever do.

It isn't easy not knowing how to move on from that. It is something that I have to learn on how to, even though that I do not know how to.

_Pathetic. That is what you are. This is what you always will be. Accept it. You think you could be the man that could measure up to him? _

I grab the paper and rip if off, ball it up into a ball and just toss it in the garbage can. Sometimes you just can't write what you feel. The opens wounds that haunt you, there are wounds that have never fully healed.

He comes to the room and tells me that the president wants to reintroduce me to the population of District Thirteen. Why does it matter that I get better. They should have left me there to die in the arena and in the detention center.

"I still cannot make sense of things. What if I have an episode and can't control it?" I say.

"Well the military has its security protocol that you will always have guards next to you." He says. "Hungry?"

"Not really," I say, knowing that his desire to re-introduce me at this time is not something that I want to do.

"Well the President has stopped food from coming here to the medical ward. Something about shortage."

"So starve or go eat with the rest of the people?" I say. "Not much of a choice."

I toss the blank sketch book on the bed and walk towards the door.

"Unless you are going to feed me, I would need to use my hands to eat," I say.

"Restraints in front soldier," he says.

He makes sure that they are nice and tight before they take me to the elevator. I find that the elevator has gotten smaller and that gives me a little bit of apprehension.

"You guys going to eat, or is it just me?" I ask.

They don't say anything just look at me ready to subdue me if I give them cause to do so. The elevator reaches a specific level and I walk out.

The room is pretty large. There are many people walking to specific tables that have been assigned. Well if it is any consolation they wouldn't sit me with people, especially with people that can trigger an episode.

I walk towards the line and pick up a tray. They serve me beef, potatoes, turnips and onions. It seems delicious. I look to my guards.

"What table am I assigned to?" I ask.

One looks to the other and smiles.

"Table 205," he says.

I look and find a large group of people and realize that they are not looking for me to get better, but for me to come unhinged. If there is ever a time for me to hold it together it is now.

I take a deep breath and begin to walk towards them. I see her sitting down. The hand of Gale on the small of her back guiding her to sit down, the blood begins to rise in me, and I have to remember to keep it together.

The fabulous six, Johanna, Annie, Finnick, Delly, Katniss and Gale, sitting in one place and cause of this all.

I walk around them, and one by one they drop the conversation as they see me walk. Their eyes just fixed on mines. Katniss however is too busy looking down eating to realize that I am in the same room. I guess the hunter instinct isn't on, while I have never turned mines off.

She finally looks up and I can see the color just leave her face. Delly notices how uncomfortable I have made the atmosphere

"Peeta! It's so nice to see you out…and about." She says.

"What's with the fancy bracelets?" Johanna asks.

"I'm not quite trustworthy yet," I say. "I can't even sit here without your permission."

Please say no, that way I have no reason to sit down, and then would have to go somewhere else.

Of course I don't have much luck in that department.

"Sure he can sit here. We're old friends," Johanna says patting on the seat next to her. "Peeta and I had adjoining cells in the Capitol. We're very familiar with each other's screams."

The memory is still fresh in my mind. Hearing her scream, realizing that the Capitol wasn't using a Jabberjay with her voice.

Annie begins to cover her ears and rock back and forth. I did that for a while, doesn't really help keeping the voices out. They are always there.

Finnick looks at her, and I realize that they are the ones who got married a couple of days ago.

"What? My head doctor says I'm not supposed to censor my thoughts. It's part of my therapy," Johanna says.

Therapy? What a joke. Sketch in little books things you feel, and watch videos that never give you any answers.

We begin to eat, and I find that the quiet is welcomed. No one says anything to provoke, but it is only a matter of time before someone says something.

"Annie," Delly says. "did you know it was Peeta who decorated your wedding cake? Back home, his family ran the bakery and he did all the icing."

I look up and meet the eyes of Annie.

"Thank you, Peeta. It was beautiful."

"My pleasure, Annie," I say.

Finnick whispers something in her ear. "If we're going to fit in that walk, we better go." He picks up both trays with one hand and stands. With the other hand that hasn't left her, he lifts her up.

"Good seeing you, Peeta." He says.

"You be nice to her, Finnick. Or I might try and take her away from you." I say.

"Oh, Peeta. Don't make me sorry I restarted your heart," he says.

He stole her from me, with this idea of rebellion, but who cares I want her to know that I have forgotten her, so that she can forget about me.

"He did save your life, Peeta. More than once." Delly says.

If this is what you consider saving my life, he should have let me die.

"For her," I say nodding towards Katniss. "For the rebellion. Not for me. I don't owe him anything."

"Maybe not. But Mags is dead and you're still here. That should count for something." She says.

There are many forms of dead. Does she realize that I wish that I was dead myself? At least then, I can finally have peace. How I long for it. To finally be freed of this burden and this torture.

"Yeah, a lot of things should count for something that don't seem to, Katniss. I've got some memories I can't make sense of, and I don't think the Capitol touched them. A lot of nights on the train, for instance," I say.

Those are the nights that she used me, only so that she could sleep. It is hard to swallow, but I don't think she ever really cared about me. They only care about each other.

"So, are you two officially a couple now or are they still dragging out the star-crossed lover thing?" I say.

"Still dragging," Johanna interrupts.

I look down and see my hand begin to tremble and clench. No, not now, I haven't had one in a while. All this fighting isn't helping me keep under control.

"I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it myself." Gale says.

That smug look, enough to make me want to take this tray and break his nose with it. I wonder if I did do that, would I have enough time to, before I get pulled out by the guards. I look down and see the shadow of the guards creep in closer. Not enough time.

"What's that?" I ask.

"You," Gale respond.

"You'll have to be a little bit more specific," I say. "What about me?"

"That they've replaced you with the evil-mutt version of yourself." Johanna says finishing the statement.

He takes his milk and looks to Katniss

"You done?"

She nods and stands up. They both walk to the door and I place both my hands on the table trying very hard not to lose it. If I do, I would never see the light of day.

I hear the slamming of a fork on the table.

"Peeta, you need to grow up! Can't you see that she is broken just as bad as you?!" Delly yells at me.

The whole dining area quiets down.

"Grow up?" I say. "Grow up?"

I stand to my feet. I can feel it growing inside me. The anger, the pain, the torture, everything floods back. The broken bones, the missing leg, everything that I did for her.

"I never told them to come rescue me!" I yell. "Do you think I want to be here?! I would have rather they leave me there to die! Do you realize that?!"

"She can't, she doesn't know, she couldn't know." I say to myself.

"They forgot about me, they left me, they only came back for me, because of her. It is always because of her." I respond.

"She is broken?!" I yell to her. "Do you know what they did to me? No. I was their pet project. Their special assignment! You will never know what it is like to beg them to die!"

I feel the guards grab me and I immediately realize that everyone is staring at me, so much for being re-introduced into the general population.

This I do know. My well being isn't on the President's agenda.


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter Fifteen

Never did like chess, always felt that sacrificing a game piece to advance or to trap another was always devaluing each piece. My father and I we would play checkers because no matter what there was always the possibility of a piece becoming more than what it was always considered.

Today I felt like a pawn in the game of war. I do not know how to think or what to do with what just happened. Whether it was the intention of the new government here in District Thirteen to test how I would react in a stressful environment or whether or not I can rattle the Victors is left to be seen.

The thing that bothered me the most is the fact that I never did get to finish my meal. Well there is that and the fact that I wanted to purposefully hurt her. I wanted her to feel a little bit on how I felt. She used me, manipulated me, and all for what? So that she can then throw in my face that she is over me, that she loves another.

Who knows what the government will do now that I had a public episode. They take me to the debrief room and attach the restraints to the desk again.

The door opens and in walks a woman. She sits down and opens a folder.

"This is your competency evaluation to establish whether or not you are ready to join the resistance. You had previously mentioned to the President your willingness to join the fight." She says.

"She mentioned that it wasn't necessary any longer." I say.

She ignores my comment and begins to look over the paperwork.

"Doctors evaluated your mental progress as cautionary but improving. They have also evaluated your physical progress as moderate." She says. "You will be required to take basic military training in order to evaluate your performance and to see if you would consider being combat ready."

I have to examine what she says carefully. It is like she is reading a script and an empty chair can be here and it wouldn't matter.

"Excuse me, soldier?" I ask.

She looks up and stops speaking.

"What the hell are you talking about?" I say.

She looks at the paperwork.

"Today they scheduled your competency evaluation. Did not your doctors mention this to you?" She asks.

"No, I have been preoccupied," I say.

"Well you are required to attend military training beginning tomorrow." She says. "Your hand has an imprint and you just need to come to a scanner to know when and where you are to report. You will be escorted by your guides."

I lift up my hands.

"Can't really train with these on." I say.

"They will be removed prior to training and then reattached after training." She says. "Please sign here acknowledging that everything that I mentioned to you, you understand."

"The doctors signed off on this?" I say.

"Their approval or disapproval is not the final say. The President has approved your training and therefore everything else is secondary." She says.

I nod and sign.

Something about this leaves me uneasy. Would I be required to fight? Would I be required to kill? Why would they even trust me at all? I have all these questions and no one to answer them, well no one that has these answers.

She walks out and then my 'guides' take me back to the medical wing. You can see that Doctor Aurelius is not too please about either the outburst or the competency evaluation.

I can barely hear him yelling out words like, 'he is not ready,' and 'what is the purpose of this' as I walk into the room.

He comes into the room a couple of minutes later, obviously looking for my take on all this.

"Seems like we are both having bad days," I say giving a small smirk.

"Well you are required to attend basic military training," he says. "Nothing I can do about that."

The next couple of days are quick and without any notice. Still a little unsure on the real reason I am here but it doesn't matter to me, I am just glad to be outside. After being kept underground for almost half a year, seeing the sun for the first time is somewhat of a dream.

I can say that the training is fairly easy. We do mile running in the rain, and assemble and disassemble guns. As long as I can focus on single task, I can control my emotions. People don't bother me at all, although I do catch them looking at me.

Katniss is in the other field alongside me. They tell me that is the advance training. As long as I am not near her I am fine and my tremors are minimal. The thundering and lightning does trigger the flashbacks of the torture I received while being electrocuted.

We scale walls and do hand to hand combat. None of the other recruits would volunteer to fight against me so I had to do it against my guides. That was definitely fun, getting the ability to finally let out my frustrations. I find that being outside, I am calmer, and I see the forest and can remember happier times when I would just sit and watch the day go by.

We have both physical training and military strategy training where we learn about the different types of gases and traps that the Capitol might have in store for us should we ever see combat.

I highly doubt that I would ever see life outside the fence but I take being outside over being stuck under ground.

I avoid at all cost the group of Victors and make it a point to eat later than scheduled if allowed. Sometimes though Delly joins me for lunch.

"Sorry about before," I say.

"It is okay, it is the Capitol's doing," she says. "But you really got to control it. It is hard enough telling people that you are my friend."

I start to laugh.

"So we are still friends huh?" I say.

"Well who else do you have?" She says. "Not like you have a line wishing to be around you."

"It isn't easy, you know. Sometimes it is hard to control it. Most of the time it is only when someone agitates me." I say.

"Did you hear?" She says. "They are preparing for the assault on the Capitol."

"Well it is not like I will be on that team. I am lucky to even be able to run around with restraints on. I think I do have it down to a science though, the eating food with restraints on." I say jokingly.

"A man of many talents," she says. "Peeta, do you think we would win?"

I look at her and see the worry in her eyes. She has seen only a taste of what I have experienced. I remember when I was like that, innocent.

"Well Delly, it isn't that easy because even if we do, what will the new Panem look like?" I say.

What would the new Panem look like if the rebels were to overtake the Capitol? It is a scary thought because we have been oppressed for so long, what hope would we have to think that we can succeed?

Sitting in my room, trying to find a way to sleep, I hear the door opening.

"Just wanted to let you know that she left a couple of minutes ago bound for the Capitol." Haymitch says.

I look at him, and nod.

I notice one thing about this information, that not knowing would have been the best thing. Knowing full well that I would not be able to sleep, I spent hours just reviewing tapes of the Games and the Quell. Doctor Aurelius has given me total access to all the tapes so that I may continue my treatment. I write down questions that I would like answers to. If she doesn't make it back, then those would be answers that I would never get. It wouldn't matter then, if I got better or not. I hate her for it, but I feel strongly that life wouldn't have any meaning if she didn't make it.

It is two days before Doctor Aurelius has to inject me with some sleep syrup in order for me to fall asleep. I do not mention the reason why I cannot sleep, but find that it is easier to get to medicine if I say that I am having headaches.

The following day, Lieutenant Johnson tells me that she is recommending me for the military competency exam if I could pass the S.S.C. or simulated street combat. The S.S.C. is meant only for the advance soldiers and it is a Capitol city block and there we would have to successfully complete missions.

They placed me with other members of an advance team that is due to ship out to the Capitol next week. Our mission is to overtake an apartment building that is needed to establish a communication relay for the other teams.

We quickly make our way through the streets and find that the heightened stress level causes me to begin to shake. Any moment at all and hell could break loose and what then, what sort of plan would we have then.

"Mellark, Thompson, rear entrance," my platoon leader says.

The strategy is simple, the six member team is to approach the building and divide into teams of two. One takes the front, the other two, side and rear entrances. We make our way to the rear entrance and wait for further instructions. We keep low to the ground as to establish that there is no line of sight with any sniper nest.

I look down and see my hands still trembling. I try to calm my hands by rubbing them together.

"Mellark, you wigging out?" Thompson asks.

"No, just prepping my hands," I say.

The signal for radio silence is given. We begin the countdown until breach. It has to be timed correctly so that all three teams breach at the same time.

We breach and overtake the apartment building. It was a huge success. Lieutenant Johnson gives our group high marks. As we are putting our gear away, Lieutenant Johnson requests to speak with me.

"Soldier Mellark, you have shown great dedication to the cause and your high marks have not gone unnoticed." He says. "The government leaders have requested that you take military competency test. It is a four part exam, physical strength test, written tactics exam, weapons proficiency and a S.C.S. or simulated combat situation."

"Thank you I guess," I say.

"Report to Command for the beginning of the test."

The next couple of hours of the physical test, tactics and strategy, as well a weapons proficiency I quickly pass the exams.

The S.C.S. exam is a different story. It is a tailored made simulate combat scenario. It is to target the person weakness. While waiting, I kept going over in my head what my weakness would be. What could the rebels use against me to cause me to strive away from the mission objective? I sit in a bench outside waiting for the scenario to be made ready for me. I nervously tap my foot on the ground. Until finally I hear.

"Soldier Mellark, proceed to the simulation."

I walk in with just a rifle into a dark room. I hear the door begin to shut and finally lock in place. The lights come up and I see the Capitol streets. They are deserted and can hear in the distance gun fire.

Over the visor I hear.

"Objective: To your right you have a package that is on a timer. Take the package to the end of the box to your waiting commanding officer."

I pick up the package, and see the timer says two minutes. I place it in my backpack and begin to make my way through the streets. I hear footsteps and quickly hide behind a trash receptacle. Waiting a couple of minutes I see the Peacekeepers pass by and let them pass up the block. I stand up quietly and walk around to the alley in between buildings.

The alley looks perfect for an ambush so I locate the nearest fire escape and start to slowly climb it to get a better view of the route. I make my way to roof and begin to run along the roof tops. I see the Peacekeepers have discovered me and I turn and take down two of them.

They have started to come through the other side and my only recourse is to make my way through the existing apartment building. I use my shoulder and break into the stairs of the building. Going down the stairs, from the roof to the fifth floor and that is when I smell it. It's a distinct odor has never left my mind, it has haunted me since the Quell. It is the smell of a fire.

I am running down the stairs. The old wooden stair creaking as I make to the second level. I take out the package and it is at one minute. The map on my visor says that I am right outside the rendezvous point. All I would have to do is to go downstairs and out of the door and I would have completed the mission.

I start to make it to the stairs and that is when I hear it.

"Help, help," her voice echoes through the hallway. It can't be her. She isn't here. This is a trick.

I try to go down the stair and finally stop at the landing. She isn't here, Peeta, get a grip. She left a couple of days ago. Even if she is here, she doesn't deserve your help. She left you, it is only fair. I don't owe her anything. Putting my hands over my ears, this is it. The weakness that District Thirteen has placed, they know as well as anyone who has seen the Games knows, that she is my weakness.

Finally it is as if someone is telling me to run towards the light, to find the shadow and I know what I must do. I turn and run back up the steps towards the voice.

"Where are you?!" I yell.

"The apartment at the end of the hall." She yells.

I am running and can see the smoke rising through the hallway.

"Soldier Mellark, complete your mission," I hear over the radio. "You have only forty seconds to make it downstairs, turn around now."

"Peeta, don't leave me!" she yells.

I am finally at the door and can see her through the glass window. It looks so real.

"Katniss what are you doing here?" I yell.

I see the roof begin to crumble down.

"No!" I yell. "Step away from the window, I am going to break it in."

The radio is louder and distracts me.

"Soldier you finish what you are order to do. Your mission is to deliver the package to your platoon leader." The voice on the radio says.

I take off my helmet in frustration and begin to use to try and smash the window. It is no use the glass won't break. I can see her suffocating behind the glass.

"Don't you give up on me!" I yell at her.

"I can't breathe," she says.

The buzzer sounds and the exam have ended. The fire is extinguished and the hologram of her choking on smoke disappears.

"Soldier Mellark you have failed the S.C.S. exam, please proceed to the entry." A soldier comes and tells me.

I am escorted to the bottom of the stairs and outside where two guards come and take me to the entry room.

They remove my gear and finally sit me down. The same woman from a couple of weeks ago comes in with the same folder that she had previously.

She opens it and slides out the paper.

"Please sign at the bottom of the page." She says.

I read the top of the paper. 'Activation Papers'

"What is this?" I ask.

"You are being activated Soldier, you leave on the next hovercraft out." She says.

"But I failed the S.C.S., they are other candidates, better ones that me." I say.

"Command believes that you can be of assistance with the platoon that you are joining." She says.

"Wait, I am not going on a new platoon but joining an existing one?" I ask. "Why? What happened to their members?"

"An accident," she says and does not go into details. "Proceed to medical for final prep, you leave within the hour."

She asks me for my hand and there stamps a 451 on it.

"You are part of unit 451, sharp shooter unit." She says and walks out.

Something is off about this. I know that I am pretty good with a gun, but nowhere near the classification of a sharp shooter. The fact that I am being assigned to a unit after failing the final test doesn't make sense, unless that was all for show and I was going to go anyways.

I walk down this time for the first time without an escort. Everything feels different; people are no longer looking at me with a sense of fear. Sure they are not making eye contact but they are not running away from me.

I am back in the medical wing, when Doctor Aurelius approaches me.

"Come," he says. "so much to do and so little time."

They take my vitals and finally do a last minute checklist. The woman taking my heart beat seems familiar. I can just make out her face before the other doctors walk outside.

"Do you remember me?" she says.

It all comes back. The locket. The last day before the Quell. She pulls out a paper and very carefully opens it up. It is a drawing of Katniss sleeping. The sunlight just coming in through the window.

"Of course I remember." I say.

"I kept this, because I didn't know if I would see her again after the arena blew out." She says filling her face with emotions. "I am so sorry for the lost of your family."

I start to feel the emotions in my eyes and she comes near and embraces me. I can hear her say the next couple of words to me.

"You still have another family that loves you." She says. "Don't you forget that."

There are no words that I can say to know that she believes that. Feeling alone is the worst feeling you can have, and knowing that everyone you care about is gone. Here in this moment I know that she means what she says.

"You come home to your family," she says. "you hear me?"

I nod.

"If it isn't too much to ask. Can you bring her home too?" she says.

This is when it hits me. The bigger picture, the plan of District Thirteen. I see the evil plan that President Coin is trying to do. Me failing the S.C.S. was never going to mean anything. The accident left an opportunity to send me in, to kill her.

"I will try." I say.

She walks out and I know then that the squad that I am going to is hers. She was hurt that day in the Games, and every day I took care of her. Something inside of me finally clicked, and the hatred I felt for her finally has dissipated.

I am taken upstairs to the hovercraft. The shadow is finally lifting, and I can finally see the light. The hovercraft begins to take off and I know that there is a plan that I have to stop.

I have to bring her home.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter Sixteen

Once we are airborne I look around and find that there is no one there. There is just a pilot and co-pilot, almost like there were waiting for me. The co-pilot comes to the back and hands me a rifle, a pistol and a pack. Inside he tells me that there is a map and a locator beacon.

"We are going to land in 12, a vehicle is waiting for you. They will take you to the tunnel outside the Capitol where another group is waiting to make the trek into the mountain." He says.

I nod.

"Good luck son, and down with the Capitol" he says.

The hovercraft begins it descent on District Twelve. The nightmare that I see doesn't prepare me for the sight that is District Twelve now. The Justice Building is half standing and half bombed. You can tell that although fire was the ultimate demise, the bombings were the first ones to destroy it.

This little District how could it have been the first one to be bomb, what sort of threat did it poses on the mighty Capitol. This was a revenge tactic, it had no military advantage, and our District did not have the rebel presence or was the production of hovercrafts or military weapons. It was a District that produced coal for heating. It isn't even used by the Capitol; most of our coal is distributed to the other Districts so that they can keep warm, while the Capitol uses electricity and heaters to keep warm.

The door opens and I jump out. The hovercraft quickly lifts up and heads back. A soldier arrives.

"Soldier Mellark," the soldier says. "This way."

We walk for a couple of minutes before a cargo car appears. It is filled with medical supplies.

"How long?" I ask.

"Two days," he says.

I get into the cargo car and it begins it trek through the woods of District Twelve. The journey would take us through the burn fields of District Eleven and District Nine. That is where we will take a rest.

The cover cargo car allows me to spend time working out things. It is a fight now in my heart against my head. I can feel my heart and the feel the need to be with her, but my mind continues to battle against it.

What if it is a trick?

What if she is just using me again?

I don't want to be broken again.

It is taken all my strength to put myself together and this is as close as I am going to get. Don't think I can handle another heart break right now.

I place my head on my pack and fall asleep. The peaceful rocking of the car through the terrain is enough to relax my body.

The forest light brings to mind the times I would spend just staring out on the top of the house in the Victor's village. How I would get up in the early morning and watch the sunrise from the roof of my house. The birds and animals still asleep, unaware of the plans of today. The sun begins to rise and I can just barely see it from the tops of the trees.

A bump in the road wakes me up and I look out the back to see the night sky.

"What is our ETA to base camp?" I ask.

"Two hours, we are almost out of Eleven." The driver responds.

District Eleven is the largest District in Panem, it took the entire day of driving without stopping in order to make it through.

I start seeing the sunrise when we finally cross District Eleven into District Nine. District Nine is smaller and we should cross it in an hour seeing how we are in the bottom end of it. The cargo car stops and the driving switches out with another one that was waiting on the border of District Nine.

There is a sense of urgency in getting me to the platoon as if they are going to be deployed soon. The birds begin to sing as the sun begins to rise.

The grain fields are being protected by rebel forces. You can see people are still working them though. The towers have been knocked down and you can still see smoke rising in the distance.

"Entering an active hotspot!" the soldier driving lets me know.

I hear the gun fire in the distance and the yelling of soldiers on locations of muttations. It seems that the Capitol is using its past weapons in this current war. I realize that most of it development was in the Detention Center and hence the reason why they had to destroy it.

Who knows maybe they are right, maybe I am a mutt of the Capitol.

The nearby bombing causes the driver to take evasive maneuvers. The ride is bumpier than before and I find myself prepping my gun should I need to fire.

Finally the all clear signal is given and the driver slows down until we reach the checkpoint. I grab my bag and get down from the cargo car. Two soldiers are there waiting for me. They hand me an oxygen mask.

"They have been either flooding the tunnel with water or gas," one says. "With this you can breathe in either. You can swim though no?"

"Yes," I say.

I can still remember her teaching me to swim. Although it was a cover for us to talk away from the other Victors, I can still remember what she said.

'It is a partnership, a dance of sorts, between the water and your hand.'

I stretch as being cooped up in the back of a supply car for a whole and a half does have its drawbacks on being able to run on cue.

"Platoon 451 I see from your mark," The other soldier says. "Sharpshooters huh, you take the rear."

Funny how they think that because of a tattoo on your hand you are consider being something that you are not. It is like checkers and being crowned king.

We make our way in the tunnel leading into the Capitol. It is a different feeling having to cross it by foot than by a super train. By train it would take us ten minutes, walking through it at a pace that we are going it would probably take us two hours.

A distant water drop echoes through the tunnel. We walk silently through the tunnel. If she should see me now, I wonder if she would think of me as a hunter. We had to learn on walk on the balls of your feet. My artificial leg is the hardest part of me to walk on the toes. The right amount of pressure is needed in order for the foot to not make a sound, especially in an echo type location.

The soldier running point lifts his fist and we immediately stop. I scan the area in the rear and can hear no movement. He points to the ground and we quickly disperse to the ground and hide.

After a couple of minutes we hear the clicking sound and when I look up I see the mechanical spiders alongside the tunnel walls.

The soldier that was running point detonates a pulse bomb and everything that is electrical fries.

"Double time," he yells out. "the pulse is only two minutes and then everything comes back"

We pick up everything and begin to run for the other side of the tunnel.

"One minute," the other soldier yells out.

Finally we are out of the tunnel and into a bush.

"Stay down, no sound," one says.

You hear the clicking of the spiders and finally the soldier that was taking lead takes out a detonation trigger and triggers the bomb that incinerates the spiders.

"Sparrow to nest, sparrow to nest, encountered bugs, containment was carried out" the soldiers says over the radio.

"Roger, do you have the package," the radio responds.

"Confirmed, package is en route, ETA, four hours." He relays.

This is the second time I have been referred to as a package. We take a breather sitting down on some rocks. That is where I hear it, a soft click.

"Do you hear that?" I say.

They look around and finally nod no.

"A soft click sound," I say.

"Nerves," one soldier says. "Come on lets get you to the base camp."

"Follow the lighted plants. We are exactly six clicks north northwest of the train station." He says.

I look down and see the lighted path. We follow the path. The trek is grueling with lots of stopping and checking to see if the path has been tampered with. It seems that the Capitol forces although they have pushed to inner parts of the Capitol still has some spies and muttations that they are willing to activate in order to kill rebel forces.

"So you are one of those Victors from the Games?" one of the soldiers asks.

"Yes," I say.

"We don't watch much of the Games in District Thirteen. There really is no need for it. We do hear about them from time to time." He says.

Ignorance is definitely bliss like my mother would tell me.

"So you were with the Mockingjay when she won the Games?" he asks.

"Something like that." I say.

We walk for another three hours until finally we see the markers of safe passage left by the rebels. It is three broken branches of a tree. If there is a fourth branch broken then the camp had been infiltrated and to stay away from the zone.

We stop at the medical tent to get checked in. They radio to Command in District Thirteen that I had arrived in the rebel base.

There response is to get me to platoon as soon as possible as there is a possibility of deployment.

"Platoon 451 is located on the far side; you have about a ten minutes walk, good luck Soldier Mellark." The medical doctor says.

He turns and attends a wounded soldier that was brought back from the front lines.

I start to walk and find that I do not hear any footsteps behind me. I look back and see that everyone is attending to their own situations. They are oblivious to me even being there. I have no babysitters or guides; there aren't any guards or attendants, just me and the terrain.

The rebel camp has four different stations. You have the main medical base where the wounded are treated and people who are traveling in from District Thirteen are checked in and given any shot against any forms of gases that they have inoculations for.

The other stations are military, communications, and special division. While I wish I could be in the military station where most of the forces are, I have been assigned to platoon 451 which is part of the special division of District Thirteen.

The few platoons that special division has is broken up into specialized forces, such as covert operations which handle any mission that is deemed to be not classified. There is also the SCA which is the special combat actions platoon. These are part of the air forces of the specialized forces. They handle missions in the air and have the ability to parachute into heavy conflicted zones. Finally there are the SSF sharpshooters, which is the Special Security Forces.

They are ones who have what they call ice in their veins. They can take out a mark from over ninety yards.

I find it funny how a guy whose hands shake is in an elite platoon for the special forces of the rebel army. Pretty sure that is the reason why the soldiers that brought me here never really asked me any questions, but just stare at me to see what I had that they didn't.

Honestly I do not know the answer to that either.

Each step that I take brings me closer to what I know is my fate.

I see them in a far away distance. I swing my rifle on my shoulder knowing full well that the first thing that they will do is relieve me of it.

Gale is the first one to make eye contact. I give him a small smirk, and he taps the soldier next to him. Slowly one by one, the soldiers from the SSF sharp shooters look over their newest member. From the look on their faces none of them are amused. Not even Soldier Everdeen.

"Your weapon," Boggs tell me.

I hand it to him and continue to walk to the camp with my pack in my hand. They encircle me, almost like they want to prevent me from escaping.

Boggs walks back and grabs his satellite phone, more than likely to tell Command of what a great choice they made for their replacement. Even if their were a way to send me back, the timetable for the mission for District Thirteen to send another would be too long and they will miss their window. Boss even knows that. The only thing to do is to tie me up and leave me in the camp. However that would leave the team down a man and the team is best effective when they have a point man and three teams of two, the shooter and the spotter. The two man team has to have complete trust. The spotter to tell distance and wind resistance and the shooter to shot according to the information given by the spotter. Taking me out of the platoon would leave one team without a spotter, which would put the whole team in jeopardy of not having one of the angles covered.

We learned this in advance training. To picture the perfect team as points of a 'V' depending on the target is where the points line up. The point man is the one who disperses the team and lines up the teams.

"It won't matter," I say to the team. "The president assigned me herself. She decided the propos needed some heating up."

I can hear Boggs yelling through the SAT phone. After a couple of minutes I sit down on the floor, knowing full well that none of the tents would I be welcomed in.

Boggs comes back and places the SAT phone.

"Jackson, two man teams, four hour shifts," he says. "They want us to babysit, we will babysit."

"Everdeen, take a walk with me," he says and walks out.

They all walk to the openings of their tents. Some take out their knives beginning to clean it, and other their guns, clicking the magazine in. Sort of an intimidation tactic I guess.

I lift up my leg and see that two of the soldiers slowly lift up their guns. I lift up my hands and take out a handkerchief and begin to clean my artificial leg.

"See I can do it too," I say mocking them.

"Think you have been around Johanna a little bit too much. She is beginning to rub off on you." Finnick says.

"Well being tortured does that to you," I say.

"It is so nice of you to join our little band of merry men," Finnick says, calming the atmosphere.

"Nice to see you too Finnick," I say.

"Rounds of introductions, you know me, Gale and Katniss. Seems like you also know Boggs our commanding officer. The ones you don't know, are Jackson, second in command our mother hen, Mitchell and Homes are our wise experience older brothers, way older brothers and Leeg our adoptive sister. Her twin died four days ago, which left a spot open for I am guessing you." Finnick says pointing to me.

"Everyone, let me present, Peeta Mellark, our registered Capitol guide," he says.

Give it to Finnick to always trying to put a positive spin on a negative situation. I pull out my tent from pack and begin to place it near an open space. I see them both come back. Katniss looks straight at me and asks the question.

"What time is my watch?" she asks Jackson.

I slowly stop the tent and look up.

"I didn't put you in the rotation." She responds.

"Why not?" she asks.

"I'm not sure you could really shoot Peeta, if it came to it," she says.

She calmly walks to where everyone can hear her and clears her throat.

"I wouldn't be shooting Peeta. He's gone. Johanna's right. It'd be just like shooting another of the Capitol's mutts." She says not looking at me.

I look down and continue to pitch my tent. Probably she is right. Wait no, she is right. Peeta is no longer here, I am just one of the Capitol's tools. My function however is linked to an old healer from District Twelve which I told her that I would bring back her daughter. It isn't for me anymore, it is more for her.

"Well, that sort of comment isn't recommending you either," Jackson responds.

"Put her in the rotation," Boggs says.

Jackson places her name in the rotation. "Midnight to four. You're on with me."

I can hear a whistle and everyone but Mitchell and Homes goes to the nearby mess hall for food. They stand there and just look at me, while other go and get food for them. I just sit there and look around. It might be eight I think.

"You don't look crazy," Mitchell says.

"Well that is the thing, after the many days of torture by the Capitol; I don't know what sanity is." I say.

"Can only imagine what you went through," Homes says. "Wonder why they put you out here, knowing full well it could trigger something."

"No clue." I say.

They come back and Finnick hands me a plate of food.

"Thanks," I say.

He nods in response.

The food isn't that bad, but I see the television crew finally makes their appearance. They sit around me in a circle. No one really talks but eat silently.

"Everdeen, phone call." Jackson says.

She places the food on the ground and walks to the phone. She is quietly talking, until I hear.

"I don't!" she says.

She turns and looks at me. Her eyes no longer cold but worried. Wonder who she is talking to, her mother probably? Johanna? Whoever it was has a definite effect on her.

After dinner, everyone checks and rechecks their guns. They all take them apart and clean and lubricate. They time each other on who can put the gun back together the quickest. Homes has everyone beat.

Finnick comes over to me, and sits next to me.

"How are you holding up?" he says.

"Good days and bad," I say.

He hands me a rope.

"Helps me on the bad days, if you can concentrate on something small," he says.

"Thanks," I say.

"My way of thanking you for the cake." He says. "Too bad you weren't there in the celebration."

"Was otherwise engaged," I say.

He pats me on my back as he stands and goes over to his tent.

The whole time Gale hasn't been able to keep his eyes away from me. Waiting for the opportunity I guess, any inclination to have a reason to fire.

At around ten or so, Boggs comes around and tells everyone 'lights out, night shifts will have extra time to recover sleep tomorrow.'

"Soldier Mellark, per security you would be required to sleep in the middle of the camp. You will have your sleeping bag and heating unit next to you, but until orders change you will not be permitted into your tent." He says.

"Sir, yes sir," I say.

I place myself in the sleeping bag. The cave is the first thing I remember. Our little home in the hunger games, how far it seems like it tonight. The stars look the same, but the girl is different. Guess the situation is different.

With everyone sleeping, the crickets and fire crackling is made more apparent. The darkness and the quiet are things that I try to avoid, so I take out the short rope and begin to make knots. I remember our first games and learning on how to make different knots. It does help keep my mind off things. That is until I hear rustling coming from Katniss's tent.

She slowly comes out and walks over to Homes and Mitchell. Jackson I see also comes over. Guess it is midnight. She sits down on a stool and just looks at me. The camp fire dancing in front of her eyes, they look is not one of hatred but of concern.

After a couple of hours, I can hear her sigh a couple of times and know that she is trying to start a conversation. I know this, because that is what I would do when I wanted to talk to her in school. That was how Delly first found out about my feelings for her.

"These last couple of years must have been exhausting for you. Trying to decide whether to kill me or not. Back and forth. Back and forth." I say.

She looks up, ready to attack what I just said, but does something unexplained. She takes a deep breath and says softly.

"I never wanted to kill you. Except when I thought you were helping the Careers kill me. After that, I always thought of you as….an ally." She says.

"Ally." I repeat. "Friend. Lover. Victor. Enemy. Finacee. Target. Mutt. Neighbor. Hunter. Tribute. Ally. I'll add it to the list of words I use to try and figure you out." I say.

I look down and start to weave another knot with the rope.

"The problem is, I can't tell what's real anymore, and what's made up." I finally confess to her.

"Then you should ask, Peeta, that's what Annie does." I hear Finnick say.

I look towards his tent and see that he wasn't really sleeping but just watching and pretending to be sleeping.

"Ask who," I say. "Who can I trust?"

"Well, us for starters. We're your squad." Jackson says.

"You're my guards," I say.

"That too," she says. "But you saved a lot of lives in Thirteen. It's not the kind of thing we forget."

I nod and Jackson nods back.

I lie back down and stare at the stars. Can I really trust them? Or would they lie to me, so that I can be part of the rebels? Can I ultimately trust her? I can tell that she wants me to, but it is hard not to, when all you know is the things that hurt you most. I cannot remember the good things about her. The only good memories are fragmented memories that don't make sense.

I sit back up and see that she is still there looking at me.

"Your favorite color," I begin to say.

She looks at me and I can see that there is brightness in her eyes, almost like she is happy that I am willing to try.

"It's green?" I finish.

"That's right," she quickly responds. "And yours is orange."

"Orange?" I say. I don't remember liking orange.

"Not bright orange. But soft. Like the sunset." She says. "At least, that's what you told me once."

"Oh." I say. A memory comes into my mind. Seeing her sleeping in my lap, me gently caressing her face, flowers all over her hair. I had looked up for a little bit and saw the sun was setting.

I can remember it. The day she allowed me to dream of a life with her. It isn't shiny or anything. Is this what a true memory is like? I don't feel anything but a warm feeling my body, almost like feeling safe.

I haven't felt safe in a long time. I think that was the last time I ever felt safe. Still the memory is fresh in my mind almost like it happened yesterday.

I woke her up by gently shaking her shoulders.

"I didn't think you'd want to miss it," I say.

I open my eyes, look at her. I can still remember the words she told me.

"Thank you," I say.

I can see how her look has changed and now it is more of a soft look towards me. She doesn't hate me?

"You're a painter. You're a baker. You like to sleep with the windows open. You never take sugar in your tea. And you double-knot your shoelaces." She says all together.

She turns and goes back to her tent. Has she been paying attention at the things that only matter to me? I thought it was only me who did that.

Finnick and Gale come and sit in the spot where Katniss and Jackson were. Finnick looks at me, smiles.

I lie back down and place the sleeping bag up to my face. The stars look beautiful tonight.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter Seventeen

It is for the first time in a long time that I have woken up without the feeling of hopelessness. Although I am still being guarded, what Jackson told me yesterday has brought me some hope that not everyone sees me as a monster. They see me as a victim of the Capitol.

The morning breakfast is without incident. They tell me that both Gale and Katniss went to the nearby buildings to shot some film. They make a point to always let everyone know where the others are.

"It is what a squad should be, a close family." Jackson says.

Family. That has a nice ring to it, and if they are telling me where they went to, then it means that they consider me part of their family. Well at least most of them do. Boggs, Gale and Katniss remain to be seen. They all treat me with some hesitation but most of them want to see me get better.

"My father had a disease where he would forget things. I don't mean complex things like memories; I mean basic things like people, family members." Jackson begins to say. "We created a game with them to help them remember things. It is called 'Real or Not Real.' I think it could help you."

"How does it work?" I ask.

"Well you pick a memory that you are unsure of, and at the end you ask us if it is real or not real." She says. "The Capitol used existing memories and manipulated them to mean something else. So this way it would help you see which are real or not."

I look at her and wonder why she wants to help me. They all come around me and sit down to play the game. They still have their guns ready but they all participate.

"Most of the people from Twelve were killed in the fire." I say.

"Real. Less than nine hundred of you made it to Thirteen alive." Jackson responds

Less than nine hundred? They are all dead. Only a small percentage of Twelve made it. I can only imagine afterwards how they would have to walk through the forest not knowing how far or even where to go.

"The fire was my fault." I say.

"Not real. President Snow destroyed Twelve the way he did Thirteen, to send a message to the rebels." She responds.

She wouldn't have any reason why to lie. Can I trust her? It does seem plausible that President Snow would send in the Hovercrafts to destroy Twelve because of the rebels. So their deaths weren't my fault. I can finally let them rest.

Papa, I will miss you but I know that the hurt and the pain are over. Rest now, you don't have to worry about me anymore. For the first time I can see the light.

"Thirteen lived after the dark days." I say.

"Real. After the dark days Thirteen and the Capitol came to an agreement to basically leave each other alone. Reasons only known to the President, many believe that it was because of our nuclear capabilities." Jackson responded.

"Squad. Mission has been pushed to tomorrow. Maintain readiness." Boggs

"What about our guest?" Jackson asks.

"I said squad, he is included." Boggs responds and walks into the tent.

"Boggs doesn't want me here, real or not real." I ask Jackson.

"Complicated. He wants you here if you aren't going to go off the deep end." She says.

"I was rescued because of Katniss." I ask.

"Not real. Plans were already in the works. There were certain people whose covers were blown when the rescue was attempted." She responds.

"Squad, change of rotation. We will match each of the Victors with soldiers from Thirteen as to assist Soldier Mellark with his recovery." Jackson tells the group.

Gale and Homes are the first one on this new rotation. They sit there waiting for me to ask them questions. Can't really ask Gale about Katniss, so will have to go with things that he would know.

"Where did we get soap in District Twelve?" I say.

Homes looks at Gale and taps him on his shoulder.

"Soap? Well everyone obtained soap from the requisition office in the Justice Building. Each month you would get a specific amount." He says.

I can remember having to go and barter for soap once. It was an afternoon in the bakery, when I hear that someone had stolen the soap off the old blind man. You can't really buy soap anywhere, well with the exception of the Hob. I had taken two loaves of bread and walk over to the Hob. This was before the 74th Hunger Games and one of the few times that I have actually gone into the Hob. I did get three bars of soap for the one loaf of bread from a little old woman that was preoccupied with not dying of starvation than keeping clean.

That afternoon I walked almost the entire District Twelve trying to find him. When I did, I gave him the bars of soap. He at first couldn't take it, but when I told him who I was and my father's name, he understood that it was something that we did in District Twelve. He was appreciative and I gave him the other loaf of bread, seems like he was hungry as well.

My mother wasn't too happy about that.

"Soap for bread?" She yelled at me. "You really are an idiot. And where is the soap?"

I just look at her, such bitterness in her heart.

"I gave it to the old blind man by the Seam." I say.

"So you have nothing to show for it? That is the mentality of a loser." She says.

Gale didn't quite understand the reason why I asked him about the soap. But it was this little thing that allowed me to remember what my father had always taught me. That we are in this together and we have to look out of each other.

"The Hob, it burned down before the attack." I say.

"Real. Peacekeper Thread ordered that it be burned down." He says.

That is all I really wanted to know from him about District Twelve. Still don't trust him, so can't really ask him the questions that I really want to.

I lie down and begin to think about the peaceful days when all we ever did was go to school and help out in the bakery. The days where you did not have to worry about the Reaping, all you had to do was keep away from the Peacekeepers and you were fine. Of course you could always die of starvation but most of the time we really could just day dream.

I start to whistle to pass the time. Since I do not have a weapon to clean or keep in working order, all I really have to worry about is to maintain myself ready to go.

I whistle a four note tune. It is odd but I think I know this tune from somewhere. I see Finnick jerk his head over to me.

"Do you know where you got that tune?" He asks.

"No," I say. "Just popped into my head. Does it mean something?"

"It was Rue's song that she taught to Katniss in the Games to tell her that she was okay." He says

"How do I know it?" I ask.

"She taught it to you when you were allies with her." He says. "She was really broken up about the death of Rue. Only seen her one other time really broken over someone dying."

"Who?" I say.

"Well you," he says.

"Although I did bring you back." He says tooting his own horn.

"Something about the force field?" I say.

"Yes." He says.

Something about the comment of being broken over someone dying reminds me of my hard time accepting that my family was gone.

"All the tribute was in on the plan from the rebels." I say.

"Real. We were told by our mentors of the plan before we went into the arena. It was on the last day before the interview." He says.

No one came that day to prep us for our interview. We spent it on the roof. Was that the reason? It does make sense; it was the only time where we didn't see Haymitch the whole day.

"Haymitch was the mastermind before the rebel plan." I say.

"Not real. He was only in charge of coming up with the plan to get you out. The one who was orchestrating everything was Plutrach." He says.

Confusion sets in my face. The head game maker was the one behind everything? Haymitch never did tell me anything and I wonder why. I evaluate what Finnick has told me and weigh it against everything.

"You didn't know?" He says.

"No," I say. "Haymitch never told me who it was."

It is only a couple of hours of trying to reconstruct the Quell in my memory with the time line. I tell him that it isn't that I don't remember it is that it is all jumbled up. We are right up to the plan by Beetee when it is the next teams' time to watch over me.

She comes out with Jackson, and sits very awkwardly on a bucket. Almost like she is fearful of what I would ask her.

"Cheese buns are your favorite." I say.

I catch her almost smiling.

"Real." She says not looking up.

Her mother had told me just as I was leaving her house that day in the winter.

"Cheese buns," she says.

"Cheese buns?" I respond.

"Her favorite." She says. "It would be nice if you could stop by and keep her company."

I nod and walk outside.

That was the first time Mrs. Everdeen accepted me into her family. She told me something that she had never told anyone about her daughter. Something that not evens her daughter knew she had remembered.

I can remember spending hours perfecting it with my father that night. We must have done about five or six batches before we finally got it right.

It is the smallest thing that can trigger something bigger. Her mother had told about the cheese buns as I was leaving her house. I was just upstairs watching her go to sleep from the sleep syrup when she told to stay with her. I made a promise then that I would stay with her always.

"You wore a plaid dress when you were five," I say.

"Real. I don't know whether it is still in the house in the Victor's Village." She says.

So that story was real. My father did point her out when I was five. It was the day that I remembered her singing. The day my father told me that her mother had heard her father sing and that he knew she was a goner.

I can still hear her singing the song that calmed me that night in District Thirteen. When I felt all alone, her song about the hanging tree brought me from going over the deep end, from finally going into the abyss. She doesn't know it, but she saved me that night.

"I sketch plants in a book." I say.

"Real. My mother had a book where she placed all of her medicinal things. My father continued it by putting pictures of plants that he say while hunting. You helped me put pictures of plants." She says.

I remember spending the day sketching flowers and plants the way she would describe it. The image of her being hurt and in need of help causes something in me to stir. The soft kisses on her forehead as she fell asleep. The sketches of her sleeping, and the way I felt when she was with me.

"Your dress," I begin to say.

She looks up at me and locks eyes with me.

"In District Seven, was a soft light yellow, like the color of a light bulb when it is turning on." I say.

She softly responds. "Real."

"Hmm," I say. "I can remember it."

It was only a glimpse but I saw it as clear as day. The memory and how it made me feel. She picked out the color. She told me in the train. She picked it because she knew I like the color.

We were walking down the hallway of the Justice Building when from behind I felt her hand grab mines. I turned and she was there smiling. What was the greatest thing about that was that I looked and there were no cameras around. She was holding my hand because she wanted to, not because of the cameras.

"Mr. Clifford." I say. "Our math teacher when we were eight."

She looks at me, as to trying to figure out the randomness of the questions. These are the things that I have to go through every day. Flashes of memories, so I try to remember the ones I don't remember the story behind.

"Real." She says. "You have an amazing memory. I haven't thought of him in a long time."

Mr. Clifford was our math teacher and well one of the few classes that I had Katniss in. She would sit next to the window staring out, wishing she was outside. Then there I was staring at her staring outside the window, wishing she was outside.

One of the days that I was caught staring and not paying attention, Mr. Clifford had me stay after school. Detention of course was something that I had gotten use to all these years that I knew. Always getting in trouble for day dreaming.

Delly would always wait for me after school. This time around, we started talking about fate. She confused fate with love. Even though I had never told anyone she knew then that I loved her.

"Fate is like love, you cannot stop loving her right? Even if you tried, even if she did the worst thing possible. So fate you cannot change it, as much as you want to, or if it looks the worst. If it is fated that you are going to be with her, then it will happen, no matter what."

Katniss looks at me now in the rebel camp asking me why I remember Mr. Clifford.

"I still remember getting in trouble everyday. His name came up in my mind that is all." I say.

"Why did you get in trouble everyday?" She says.

"Day dreaming of…" I say and realize that it was about her and quickly say. "Never mind."

Her shift ends and I can see that Leeg and Boggs come to guard me. Neither one really knows me so I spend the next couple of hours in silence. Whenever this shift comes I usually take a nap.

It is odd but I guess I knew that if the Capitol was going to hurt me the most they would use her.

"Breadcrumbs," I say.

Leeg looks up.

"Breadcumbs?" she responds.

"Well something my father would tell me about finding a path home by leaving breadcrumbs. They are little insignificant things that no one else would consider valuable but to the one who was trying to get home." I say.

Her expression still puzzled.

"Don't mind me; I am just insane and weird things pop into my mind." I say.

The thought did pop into my head, and probably I was leaving breadcrumbs in my mind for memories that I knew I could forget. Whatever the reason why I ask these questions to Katniss, I know that my mind knew what it was doing. It was allowing me to remember the important things about her.

The next evening I could see Cressida approach Boggs and tell him something. He takes out a 'holo' which is a fancy word for a map in District Thirteen terms. We were all given paper maps of the Capitol. Everyone seems to be under the expression that I would know my way throughout the Capitol because I was held here. They don't realize that the Detention Center was about two miles from the Capitol and connected through an underground train system called a 'subway.'

After a couple of minutes of clicking on buttons Boggs finally comes over to the platoon.

"Command is not happy with the quality of the propos we have been producing so therefore a more complex battle simulated propos are in order." He says.

He takes out the holo and highlights a street pass the safe zone. He mentions that they are still some active pods there. I look around confused, as I have absolutely no idea what pods are.

He points out the pods and how one when triggered spray of gunfire and the other disperses a net. He tells everyone to be ready in fifteen minutes and everyone leaves to pack everything.

He walks over to me and hands me a pistol. I pick it up and feel that it is lighter than usual. He can see that I notice the change in weight.

"Filled with blanks." He says loud enough so everyone can hear. "Don't want you to get any ideas of friendly fire."

I shrug and respond, "I'm not much of a shot anyways."

Cressida and the camera crew are packing everything they need for the shot. The camera crews are an odd bunch. They have these cameras that are attached to their bodies almost like it grew out of them.

"Is that heavy?" I ask one of the camera men.

He looks at me and continues to work. The way he looks at me is like I remember someone looking at me the same way.

"You're an Avox, aren't you? I can tell by the way you swallow." I say. "There were two Avoxes with me in prision. Darius and Lavina, but the guards mostly called them the redheads. "

I can hear everyone slowly stop what they are doing and walk towards me.

"They'd been our servants in the Training Center, so they arrested them, too," I continue. "I watched them being tortured to death. She was lucky. They used too much voltage and her heart stopped right off. It took days to finish him off. Beating, cutting off parts. They kept asking him questions, but he couldn't speak, he just made horrible animal noises."

I look up and see them just in shock at what I was saying. Katniss couldn't believe it. It was the first time I can remember without hesitation what they did to people in the prison and what they did to me.

I look at them, "They didn't want information, you know? They want me to see it."

I look around and everyone is silent and like statues.

"Real or not real," I say.

No one responds.

"Real or not real?!" I raise my voice.

"Real." Boggs finally says. It was the first time he had ever spoken to me. It seems that he did know what they did to me. The amount of torture that the Capitol had inflicted on people who had no knowledge of the rebels, I think for the first time, he knew that they left us to suffer was wrong.

"At least, to the best of my knowledge…real." He continues.

"I thought so. There was nothing…shiny about it." I say.

I pick up my pack, and start to walk towards to the border of the safe zone. I can still remember it.

"They cut it off… a piece of a finger at a time, one by one," I mumble. "then they cut off a piece of the toes, one by one. You can't really stand without toes."

When the squad finally catches up with me, we all form around Boggs for the mission objective.

"Three quarters down this block," he says pointing. "is the gun firing pod. The trigger is the awing to the left. It can be triggered by shooting the awing from a safe distance. Hawthrone you will trigger the pod on my command, and everyone will take cover in the doorways of the building."

He clicks something on the holo and shows the second pod.

"The second pod is at the end of the block, this requires a body sensor mechanism. So someone would have to be caught up in the net. It is a simple net and we will get you down. Any volunteers?" He says.

Everyone hands shoots up, well with the exception of mines as I have absolutely no idea what is going on and would probably mess it up.

The camera crew gets into position. They drop smoke canisters hidden in behind the garbage cans. Another one begins to play gunfire sounds in the background to simulate an active scene. Finally we all position ourselves in the standard V figure and we all wait for Cressida to yell out the word, 'action.'

I have been positioned in the far right position of the V figure with Leeg. We walk slowly until we see Gale approach the awing. He squares at the awing and fires a couple of rounds. A quick mechanical sound occurs and five machine gun arms come out and begin to fire down at us.

"Take cover!" Boggs yells out.

We all take to the doorways as instructed. After a couple of minutes of firing from the machine guns they retract and the dust settles.

"Cut," Cressida yells out. "We need to do a re-take but this time individual close up shots."

We spend the next couple of minutes making strain facing and diving into the doorways of buildings. You can hear some of the people from the squad begin to laugh at the faces that others are putting on.

Everyone is laughing at Mitchell's take on a strain face.

"You look like you are constipated Mitchell," Finnick says. This causes the whole squad to laugh out loud as even Boggs joins in for a chuckle. After a couple of seconds Boggs reminds us of our objective.

"Pull it together, Four-Five-One," he says.

He takes out the holo and begins to walk trying to find better light from the smoke. He turns around as to say something and then something unexpected happens that causes all of us to fall back on our backs.

A bomb goes off blowing both of Boggs legs off.


	18. Chapter 18

PART III

"The Fight for Another Sunrise"

Chapter Eighteen

Screams are something that I could never forget; they haunt me every night in my dreams. For days in the detention center I could not go to sleep. Their faces still haunt me, their deaths grip me, I cannot forget. That last couples of days, the screams from Johanna were too much to handle. I can still remember them, the screams of the torture, and the videos of war.

The blast sends me flying to the nearby building where my body smashing into the garbage cans. I feel the warm blood splash on my face and look at Leeg just laying there unconscious.

There is a second explosion causes everything to go numb, my eyes blur and I begin to see everything in a grayish color. There is no sound and yet I see people screaming, the children dying in the streets. I cover my eyes and close my eyes trying to shield out the scene that I am seeing. Nothing could have prepared me for this, it is something to see it on the videos of the screens at the Detention Center but it is another thing to be there witnessing the casualties of war.

I can feel my heart beating at a mile a minute. My breathing is calm, and yet I cannot control what I feel coming. I see myself get up from the floor and see that Leeg is suddenly gone and next to Gale.

What is going on? I feel as I am losing myself to an increasing rage. Have to stay away.

"Have to stay away," I mutter to myself.

I see her, dragging Boggs, and all I can see is red. I start to shake and seems like I am going to pass out but I cannot control it.

"Stay away," I yell out, but no one hears me. She is dragging him towards me.

I cannot control it any longer and I can see my hand reaching out to grab her.

With everything that is in me, I try to stop it. My mind tries to control my body, but it is no use. It is like I am outside of myself, a ghost no longer in control. I pull her by the back of her shirt and throw her to the ground. She turns and looks up at me. There is nothing that I can do; there is nothing I can say. My hand raises the gun and slams towards her head.

She quickly rolls away and I feel someone tackle me to the ground. I cannot see him, or hear him, but I can feel the vibrations of someone yelling something in my ear.

I can make out, "fight it!"

I lift my legs and can feel the arms around my neck choking me. I fling the person off my back and feel another person grab me to the ground. As I am struggling to fight this other person I feel the restraints on my wrists and know that finally I cannot harm another person.

They lift me up and I see the horror of what I had done. Mitchell's blood dripping from the net that is now holding him. A violent tug from the people who are holding me and I know that I have just killed someone that was only trying to help me.

"Let me go, let me die!" I yell. "Kill me! End my torture!"

No one listens, and no one cares. The pain is unbearable. They throw me into a closet and all I see is darkness, all I feel is death around me. It consumes me, my very thoughts are no longer my own. The desire to die is greater now that anything that I have ever experienced. I killed him. My own hands, the blood will forever be on my hands.

I feel the violent shaking and can no longer control it, probably if I just let go then my heart will give out and then I can finally rest from this nightmare. My body begins to shut down and my eyes close.

The beatings, that I had to suffer, people being shot in the head, they never leave you, they follow you into death. Could this be a dream, or my eternal punishment for all that I have done. The bruises are still there, and the pain in my heart that never goes away.

"We can confirm through the following footage that rebels, Gale Hawthrone, Finnick Odair, Peeta Mellar, Katniss Everdeen, have been killed by Capitol forces." I can barely hear.

My eyes open slowly to see a room that I don't remember. They are all around a television listening to a reporter. I can still see it replaying in my eyes, seeing Mitchell hanging in the net, dead because of me.

The tears begin to fall, and I know that even I don't deserve to grieve. I don't deserve any mercy or compassion. I did it, I killed him. I almost killed her.

"Finally, a bit of luck," Homes says.

"My father. He just lost my sister and now…" Leeg says.

"We can say this now that the death of the mockingjay will allow all of us to breathe comfortably now that a known terrorist is dead. The leader of the extremist has now been killed. President Snow will be making an official statement in a couple of minutes." The reporter says.

"So, now that we're dead, what's our next move?" Gale says.

"Isn't it obvious?" I say. "Our next move…is to kill me."

I close my eyes and feel the tear come and await the end of my own life. It is the smartest move they can do; I don't deserve to be here. President Coin brought me here to kill her, and I almost did. I thought that I was strong enough to stop it, but I couldn't, nothing I did was strong enough to stop the rage that they placed in me.

"Don't be ridiculous," Jackson says.

Just like that? I have done unspeakable things and now just like that, no one wants to end my suffering. Don't they know that it harder to stay alive than it is to die. Probably that is why they do it; it is more of a punishment to live with it than to finally die.

"I just murdered a member of our squad!" I yell.

Just do it. I don't deserve it, but please just kill me and end it.

"You pushed him off you. You couldn't have known he would trigger the net at that exact spot," Finnick says grabbing me, trying to give me an excuse.

There is no excuse for murder; you cannot accidentally murder someone when you are intentionally doing it.

"Who cares? He's dead, isn't he?" I say, tears flowing from my face. "I didn't know. I've never seen myself like that before."

I look at her, straight to her face.

"Katniss is right. I'm the monster.. I'm the mutt. I'm the one Snow has turned into a weapon!" I say to her.

"It's not your fault, Peeta," Finnick says.

"You can't take me with you. It's only a matter of time before I kill someone else." I say looking at the ones who are left. Anyone of these people could be dead and I could be the cause.

"Maybe you think it's kinder to just dump me somewhere. Let me take my chances. But that's the same thing as handing me over to the Capitol. Do you think you'd be doing me a favor by sending me back to Snow?" I say.

"I'll kill you before that happens." Gale says. "I promise."

Probably I have misjudged him, but he can't be around me every moment of this. We could be separated.

"It's no good. What if you're not there to do it? I want one of those poison pills like the rest of you have."

"It's not about you," Katniss says. "We're on a mission. And you're necessary to it."

She looks to the rest of the squad.

"Think we might find some food here?"

Just like that. I don't know if she saved me or sent to me die of the torture that they did to me. I am tired of fighting, tired of just barely holding on. My body is wrecked from everything, and my mind is gone if anything. Only bits and pieces of my heart remain.

It would be easy to just leave me the pill, so that I may just end it.

They go looking for food and some just look at me concerned. They are guarding me, but to them I am just a wounded soldier. They come back celebrating with cans and cookies.

"Isn't this illegal?" Leeg says.

"On the contrary, in the Capitol you'd be considered stupid not to do it," one of the camera crews says. "Even before the Quarter Quell, people were starting to stock up on scarce supplies."

"While others went without," Leeg says.

"Right," she responds. "That's how it works here."

"Fortunately, or we wouldn't have dinner" Gale says. "Everybody grab a can."

Finnick comes and gives me my share. I stare at it, and at their gesture.

Eating again with restraints, a master of it. I look at the can in my hand.

'Lamb Stew'

It was her favorite. We had it in our little cave in the Games. It was the happiest moment I can remember. It fades out the others that I just cannot stop from coming over and over in my mind.

I see her there, poking around the pile of cans. I stand and walk over to her.

"Here." I say, handing her the can.

"Thanks" she says popping the top off. "It even has dried plums."

I turn and walk away to my seat and begin to eat the can of meat sauce that I have.

The beeping from the television causes everyone to stop eating and stare at the seal of Panem now visible on the screen.

"We break into normal broadcast in order to bring you this special report. The deaths of terrorists. We can say with certainty that the five more dangerous terrorist in all of Panem have been killed in military precision strike." The reporter starts. "We break into the address from our President."

"Good evening. Tonight, I can report to the people of Panem, that a military operation has killed Katniss Everdeen, the leader of the extremist group, a terrorist who's responsible for many innocent deaths in all of our Districts.

Alongside her, we can report that her top level accomplices have been killed. They have been confirmed the masterminds of the bombing of the Hospital Research & Development center, where many of the children of war were being helped. No one survived that day.

I have made it my life long mission from that point on, that we would be united in our resolve to protect those who would come against the Capitol, and bring those who committed these vicious attacks to justice." President Snow says.

All of the sudden without warning the picture goes to a static overlay and then come back clear. There stands before us the President of District Thirteen, Alma Coin.

"People of Panem, I come before you today a survivor of the generosity of the Capitol. My name is Alma Coin and I am the leader of District Thirteen. We have been called extremists, and murderers but I tell you this, to those who fight for freedom, that if we are extreme it is because it is our right to be free and I will protect my right violently we have to.

I praise the lowly girl who volunteered for her sister. Who survived starvation that the precious Capitol has given us. Who had the determination to fight for her life in the Hunger Games. She turned a country of mindless slaves, into an army of freedom fighters. To those who fight for freedom, do not fear for dead or alive, Katniss Everdeen will remain the face of this rebellion.

If ever you waver in your resolve, think of the Mockingjay, and in her you will find the strength you need to rid Panem of its oppressors." President Coin says.

"I had no idea how much I meant to her," Katniss says.

In the background I hear Gale laughs at the statement. The picture of Katniss now stands on the television with the fire blazing behind her.

The television's signal is lost and then brought back to the control of the Capitol.

"Tomorrow morning, we will pull Katniss Everdeen's body from the ashes, we will see exactly who the Mockingjay is. A dead girl who could save no one, not even herself." President Snow says.

The Seal comes on, with the anthem playing in the background.

"Except that you won't find her," Finnick says to the screen.

"We can get a head start on them at least," Katniss says. "Jackson can you teach me the basic commands of the holo."

She comes over to her and begins to show her how to bring up the map by entering coordinates. After about a couple of minutes of looking at the map, she looks up at the group.

"Any ideas?" She says.

"Why don't we start by ruling out possibilities," Finnick says. "The street is not a possibility."

"The rooftops are just as bad as the street," Leeg says.

"We still might have a chance to withdraw, go back the way we came," Homes says. "But that would mean a failed mission."

"It was never intended for all of us to go forward. You just had the misfortune to be with me." She says.

"Well, that's a moot point. We're with you now," Jackson responds. "So, we can't stay put. We can't move up. We can't move laterally. I think that just leaves one option."

"Underground," Gale says.

Underground? The darkness and the unknown, being stuck underground in the detention center, and then in District Thirteen. It is something that I am definitely not looking forward to.

I don't think that I could handle it. The close spaces, the darkness, it is just a receipt for another trigger, probably even more violent than before. I look down and see the shackles, and shaking of my hands.

They start looking for an access point to the underground. They are all making it so that there is no evidence that we were ever here. When all is done, they all come back to the room and look at me.

"I'm not going. I'll either disclose your position or hurt someone else." I say.

"Snow's people will find you," Finnick says.

"Then leave me a pill. I'll only take it if I have to," I say.

"That's not an option. Come along," Jackson says.

"Or you'll what? Shoot me?" I say.

"We'll knock you out and drag you with us," Homes says. "Which will both slow us down and endanger us."

"Stop being noble!" I raise my voice to them. "I don't care if I die!"

I turn and look at her straight in the eyes.

"Katniss, please. Don't you see, I want to be out of this?"

She looks at me. She has to realize that this is killing me. That all I want is to be at peace, to end this suffering. She can just do it, leave me a pill and close the door. There is no shame in it; there would be no guilt in it. She has to let me go. I am not the same person she knew.

"We're wasting time. Are you coming voluntarily or do we knock you out?" she says at me, stone faced.

I lift my hands to my face. Why. Why can't it just end? The torture of this life is more than what I can bare. Looking at the reflection in the mirror and not being able to recognize me.

Finally I take deep breath and stand, no use fighting them.

"Should we free his hands?" Leeg ask,

"No!" I yell out. That would be the worst thing they can do.

"No," Katniss says. "But I want the key."

Jackson passes her the key and she places it in her pocket. They remove a small door and we all file in single file. Finnick behind me and Gale in front of me, I will hold him to his promise.

We cross between the apartments and find that the next one where we find the utility room. Behind the cover there is a wide ladder which we start to descend into the underground of the city.

The smell is the first thing that hits me like a sucker punch. The sewage line must be running in one of these pipes. The lighting is considerably less and it takes a couple of minutes to adjust.

As we stand at the base, Pollux the Avox cameraman grabs onto the other one who I believe is Castor. I can see his pale face, and heavy breathing, and know that he is having a hard time being underground.

"My brother worked down here after he became an Avox," Castor says. "Took five years before we were able to buy his way up to ground level. Didn't see the sun once."

The thought of this and I know the apprehension he must be feeling. If I was underground for almost half a year and I am having a hard time, I can only imagine what he is going through.

"Well, then you just became our most valuable asset." I say.

Castor laughs and Pollux finally smiles. Probably this would comfort him and calm him.

He takes the lead and we all follow him. Gale in front of me and Jackson now taking up the rear of me. We quickly make our way through the tunnels. Stopping for camera sweeps and Avox shifts. It turns out that Pollux really knows his ways around here and we are quickly going through the Capitol underground.

After about a couple of hours we stop and rest. There is a message relay from the front that we must be out in four hours according to Pollux.

I quickly close my eyes and try to get some rest from the horrible day. It is only a couple of minutes of the screams and the demons chasing me through the shadows that I can stand. I open my eyes and find that everyone is asleep. I can hear the clicking of the holo and look up to see her and Pollux looking through the maps.

She looks down and sits down next to me.

"Have you eaten?" she asks.

I shake my head no. She grabs a can and hands it to me. I sit up and chug the can, chicken and rice soup never tasted so good when you are starving.

"Peeta, when you asked about what happened to Darius and Lavinia, and Boggs told you it was real, you said you thought so. Because there was nothing shiny about it. What did you mean?" She asks.

"Oh. I don't know exactly how to explain it," I tell her. "In the beginning, everything was just complete confusion. Now I can sort certain things out. I think there's a pattern emerging. The memories they altered with the tracker jacker venom have this strange quality about them. Like they're too intense or the images aren't stable. You remember what it was like when we were stung?"

"Trees shattered. There were giant colored butterflies. I fell in a pit of orange bubbles." She says. "Shiny orange bubbles."

"Right. But nothing about Darius or Lavinia was like that. I don't think they'd given me any venom yet," I say.

"Well, that's good isn't it?" she asks. "If you can separate the two, then you can figure out what's true."

"Yes. And if I could grow wings, I could fly. Only people can't grow wings," I say. "Real or not real?"

"Real," she says. "But people don't need wings to survive."

"Mockingjays do." I say handing her the can.

The deep raccoon eyes must be apparent to her, because she looks at me and tells me.

"There's still time. You should sleep."

I lie back down and just look at her. I don't want to hurt her. Everything in my heart just wants to tell her how sorry I am about what I tried to do. All the emotions that I have about her, how long I have loved her has been slowly coming back and I don't want to hurt her. I don't think that I could live with myself if I did.

I see her hand reaches out to me. The tip of her finger reaches my forehead and I feel the warmness of her fingers and then her hand. She moves away a hair from my face. She continues to caress my hair.

I want to tell her, that oh how I have missed her. But nothing comes out. All I want to do is just stay in this moment if only for a little bit. It is most selfish thing that I do, is to be silent and let her, until finally.

"You're still trying to protect me. Real or not real," I whisper.

"Real," she says. "Because that's what you and I do. Protect each other."

I smile and slowly fall asleep.


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter Nineteen

It is like it has always been. The shadows are coming. It was the third day in Detention Center when in the darkness I heard them. They were as real as the voices of people speaking. It brought me to my feet. Couldn't see anything, only hear it. It was sound that still haunts me. It robs me of everything; it causes me to imagine things that I couldn't.

I could still hear it. It came in the night the fourth day. I felt it running on top of my legs and hands. It starts to rip off my skin little by little. The shackles kept me from removing them from my skin. After screaming at the top of my lungs and having no relief my voice finally let out and all I could do is just wish to die.

After the fifth day, I was begging for them to stop. It was something that to this day I could never repeat or think that it actually happened.

It is coming. It wasn't a dream, it wasn't a nightmare, and the shadows are coming!

I am up quickly and look around to find the source. Where is she? Losing my breath and unable to catch, I look around frantic.

I see her, and quickly say.

"Katniss! Get out of here!"

I grab her by the hand. The shadows are coming. They won't stop. They were small, but these sound much larger, much more evil.

"Why? What's making that sound?"

It echoes make it hard to pinpoint where it is coming from. I grab the walls, and cannot feel them. I drop to the ground and put my ear to it and nothing.

"I don't know. Only that it is has to kill you," I say. "Run! Get out! Go!"

The vibrations in the Detention Center were the only thing that allowed me to sense them coming in my cell. It is small vibrations but they are distinct. These I cannot find, even with the hissing, of her name. These are more distinct.

"How do you like them?" I can still here the smug question.

"Who?" I ask.

"My experiments." Doctor Vassar says.

These memories locked in a part of my mind that even I did not remember until right now. They are real? The confusion in my mind, the shadows are real? I never had the ability to see them. Only know that their sharp blades would tear at my skin softly. It was the order of the Capitol that it did not kill me, but only keep me in pain.

Everyone is looking to Katniss to find out what to do. What is the plan?

"Whatever it is, it's after me. It might be a good time to split up." She says.

"But we're your guard," Jackson says.

"And your crew," said Cressida.

"I'm not leaving you." Gale says.

They don't know what they are up. How can I protect her? It is what I wanted to do; it was what the unwritten rule was between us. We protect each other.

"Finnick give one of your guns to Castor." She says. "Eject the blank magazine from Peeta's gun and give a loaded gun to Pollux."

Both Gale and Katniss give their guns over to Cressida and Messalla. Looking down the hallway we came through, the soft yellow glow of the lights flicker and the steam covers the view. If we are going to do anything, we need to do it now.

We walk out of the room and can now hear it better. The hissing sound is a distance away but just the thought that there is something down here tracking her is enough to get a farther distance away.

If they are sending these creatures down here, then the Capitol has found out that we did not die. It was more than likely televised so therefore District Thirteen must have seen it. If I know Haymitch and I think do, he will push for a quick EVAC. The only thing we have to do is stay alive, and get to a place that is visible.

That drunk old man, back then can always put thing into perspective.

"Why are you getting upset?" He says. "The strategy was to save her no? That is what you told me."

The goal is to save her. The Capitol's goal is to kill her, so it will take all of us to make sure the goal of the Capitol does not come true.

We quicken the pace and everyone is not being careful on the stealth but more on speed. The goal is to reach President Snow's mansion before whatever is chasing us catches up with us. It is a simple enough plan, although with speed comes mistakes. I hear it in the distance, the screams that sound like animal grunting, it is the same screams of the Avoxes being tortured.

"Avoxes," I yell out. "That's what Darius sounded like when they tortured him."

"The mutts must have found them." Cressida responds as we continue to jog quickly through the tunnels.

"So they're not just after Katniss," Leeg says.

"They'll probably kill anyone. It's just that they won't stop until they get to her," Gale says.

We finally come to a quick stop, everyone breathing heavily. The heat down here is worst than the humidity on the Quell. The fact that it is enclosed spaces doesn't help us. Close quarter combat is only good if you know where your enemy is approaching from. The vibrations have stopped, and yet we can still hear the hissing and Katniss's name being called.

We are at a disadvantage down here unless we do something.

"Let me go on alone. Lead them off. I'll transfer the Holo to Jackson. The rest of you can finish the mission." Katniss finally says.

If Beetee were here, that would be the plan although they would use Katniss as bait. It would be the smartest plan, to know where they are coming from. The only thing is that the best place would be one that we can control. It is no good where we are. If we go above ground we lose the ability to hear them coming. I look back the tunnel we came from and can no longer hear the screams.

"No one's going to agree to that!" Jackson says breathing hard.

"We're wasting time!" Finnick cuts in.

"Listen," I whisper.

They all quiet down and we can all hear it. The hissing has gotten closer, but it is now behind us and below. Katniss quickly open the holo and starts to scan a better route when she starts to gage.

"Masks on!" Jackson says.

She is able to say one word the gagging.

"Roses!" she syas.

It hits us, I know that smell anywhere. It is the same nauseous smell that comes from President Snow's flower. She stumbles onto the Transfer of the next street.

Everyone follows her. She takes out an arrow and fires it to a pod. She sprints for the next the intersection and yells out.

"Stay close!"

We all catch up to her when I hear a click behind me. I turn around and see that Messalla look of horror as she has stepped onto a stone that has activated an unmarked pod. A bright light comes out from her feet and from the ceiling right above her.

"Messalla, get out of there!" I yell out, but he doesn't move.

I see two arrows fly and stick to the bright light and just stand there. He cannot move and he cannot talk.

"Katniss!" Finnick yells out.

That is when I can hear the hum and then the sizzle. The smoke begins to come off his skin. I turn and walk towards to everyone. They are just there staring at him; Katniss just stares helplessly at him. She shouldn't see what is going to happen next. We all need to keep on moving.

"Can't help him!" I yell at them, trying to get them moving. "Can't!"

It is the look of horror on her face and I know that his skin is being burned right off him. I place my hand on her shoulder and you can tell she snaps back, her eyes focus in on my face. She turns and closes her eyes, wanting to erase what she just witnessed.

We all start to move towards the next intersection when the spray of bullets flies behind us.

"Gunfire!" I yell.

Everyone turns and crouches down. We all look back and hear Katniss.

"Peacekeepers!" she yells to the squad.

They are coming from down the Transfer behind us. Must be about twenty or so. As if on a cue, everyone pairs off and disperse to get the better angles. They start to shoot down one by one. They are still moving forward towards us even though almost all of the peacekeepers have been gunned down.

I stick the wall as of course no weapon no gun to fire. I get close to her

"Pod is behind you, try not to click the tile" she tells me.

"More are coming out the tunnel," Cressida yells out. I turn and see something, something white. They have tails and no clothes on.

"Mutts!" Finnick yells out.

The Peacekeepers in horror begin to retreat but the mutts grab them and begin to rip them apart. The screams that come from them pierce the hissing that comes from them. It is only seconds, but when they are done, they fall to their bellies and begin to slide towards us.

"This way!" she shouts and hugs the wall next to us. We all follow her and when everyone is in the side tunnel Katniss fires an arrow and activates the pod. Sharp teeth come out of the ground and begin to spin like a grinder.

I see Jackson and Leeg in the rear turn around and make their way back towards the grinder.

"Go!" Jackson yells at me. "We will hold them off. You get her to safety. It is now your job."

"Tell my father, that I love him," Leeg says.

I nod and turn around. I see them crossing a pipe and join the group. I can hear the gunfire from Jackson and Leeg. I will never forget them; Jackson was the first one who accepted me in the group. She was the one who helped me remember. Her father would be proud of the woman she had become.

There is no floor but only a pipe onto a ledge that cannot be more than a foot wide. Below you can hear the bubbling sounds of the chemicals. The smell is horrible and can cause you to pass out if the adrenaline wasn't running at full speed. I hear the screams coming from behind and can tell that both Jackson and Leeg are gone.

Once on the other side, Pollux leads us to a narrow bridge where we cross it.

The ladder at end of the room is the way out.

"Wait! Where are Jackson and Leeg?"

"They stayed at the Grinder to hold the mutts back," Homes says.

"What?" she says. She starts to move back to the bridge, but Homes yanks her back.

"Don't waste their lives, Katniss. It's too late for them. Look!"

Everyone looks and sees the mutts slithering onto the ledge.

"Stand back!" Gale shouts and shoots an arrow, blowing the bridge from the far side. Everyone who has a weapon approaches the bridge and begin to open fire at the mutts. It is no use, there are just too many of them. We will run out of ammo before they all die.

"It is no use!" Finnick says. "There are too many of them."

"Climb!" Homes says. "Katniss, we need to go!"

I grab her and pick her up. She doesn't fight me but finally when we reach the ladder I tell her.

"Climb!"

She begins to climb up the ladder. Pollux still on the ladder leading the way, Katniss following behind him.

"Cressida, go." I say.

She begins to climb. I see Homes, Gale and Finnick still trying to contain them.

"Come on, we have to go!" I yell.

They don't move. I grab him by the arm, he looks at me dead in the eyes.

"Gale!" I say. "We have to go now!"

He follows me, as I grab the rung of the ladder and begin to climb quickly. I see that Pollux is already climbing a second ladder. Cressida is being helped up by Katniss. Finally she reaches out to grab my hand, I reach for it, and she pulls me up.

She looks at me with a sense of dread. She starts to climb down the stairs until Gale yells at her to climb.

"Someone's still alive," she yells at Gale.

"No, Katniss. They're not coming," Gale responds. "Only mutts are."

Finnick? Homes? Not them.

"We have a little tradition in my District when it comes to oysters," Finnick says.

"Yeah what's that?" I ask.

"Once a year we have a tradition that all of the males of the District would collect oysters for the ones they love. Inside oysters, it is very rare, but sometimes you can find a pearl. I have never found one myself, but the things is this, if you find one, it is said that because an oysters spends almost its entire lifetime making it, preparing it, that the person who finds it, it is said that their love will last for a life time, because a pearl is forever."

He never got to find Annie a pearl. He saved my life when he didn't have to.

Too many of us have died. Boggs, Mitchell, Messalla, Jackson, Leeg, Homes and now Finnick. They are suffered the worst all because of us.

I feel an explosion at the base of the ladder and that is all it takes for it to consume my mind. The hissing, the screams, it begins to come back.

No.

Not now.

I close my eyes and continue to climb. Finally get to the top where I stumble over to a wall. It is too much, the images, the pain. The smell of the roses, I start to tremble, my hands. I pull my hands to my face.

"Fight it!" Mitchells yells in my ear.

The screams of Boggs as his legs are blown off.

The blood on my face.

Hearing the screams over and over again.

Darius trying to beg for his live.

The darkness is coming and I cannot hold it together. The breathing shallows and I can't do it.

"Peeta," I hear her.

It is taking every ounce of strength in me to not lose the battle. It is the battle that I fear will finally be lost.

"Peeta?" I feel her hands on my wrist bringing them to down. It is too hard. I start to rock back and forth. It is too much.

I open my mouth and cannot say but only a couple of words.

"Leave me," I whisper. "I can't hang on."

"Yes. You can!" She tells me.

No, I shake my head. It is coming, I can't. I can't. The beats of my heart I can hear them in my mind going faster and faster. I am just like them. The mutts down there. It is all true, the wolves in our Games, they were the lost tributes, monkeys that could easily have been human once. These lizard, snake, had faces of human beings. Soon enough, I won't be able to hang on and then finally become what the Capitol had intended.

A mutt.

"I'm losing it. I'll go mad. Like them." I say in between breathes.

I look up, and can see her. I don't want to kill you. The tears building behind, why can she just leave me?

She leans in and her soft lips touch mine. I start to shake; my whole body starts to shake.

I can't hold on.

I can see the color begin to fade.

It is too late.

Can't hold on.

The sound of the streets begins to go silent.

She grabs me by the wrists; I can see the tears in her eyes. Just let me go. Please, I am not worth it.

"Don't let him take you from me."

The images come back all like a flood.

"Don't die here! Look for the light!" my father yells at me.

"You get her to safety! It is your job now!" Jackson tells me.

"Fight it!" Mitchell yells.

Everything inside me, tells me one word. Every ounce of my being, tells me one phrase.

"Fight it!"

My breathing worsens and I feel that my lungs cannot get enough air.

"No. I don't want to…"

She grabs my hand and presses

"Stay with me."

The image comes and I see her in her bed. She held my hand and as she drifted to sleep she whispers. 'Stay with me.'

The sound slowly returns and the shaking begins to subside. I can still hear it come out of my lips.

"Always."


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter Twenty_  
_

_Do you actually think you can win?_

The trembling has subsided to something that I can withstand but it is still there. The pain in my mind is constant and like a thousand little knives stabbing me from the inside.

"Peeta, with this thing that the Capitol has done to you touching such vital parts of your body I am a little fearful." Doctor Aurelius says.

The doctor looks at test results before I boarded the hovercraft. He would always be against me going to the Capitol. We could be in treatment for years and he would always think that it would be an 'incorrect path for wellness' as he would put it.

"Returning to the triggers of your episodes that coupled with the inability to remove the roots, a strong enough episode can cause you to be instantly brain dead, a heart attack, or become paralyzed." he says.

"But..." I say trying to get him to laugh.

"But nothing. They really wanted you to suffer and if you were ever to escape then you not survive much longer." he says.

I shrug it off. Bad news will always be bad, so why let it get to you.

"Peeta, you don't seem to appreciate the gravity of the situation," he says. "If you get on that hovercraft, you probably will not make it back home."

"Doctor while I appreciate your concern for my well being, I died a long ago in the jungles of the arena." I say.

The nurse a resemblance to someone I knew walks in to take my blood pressure.

This is what he meant I think to myself. My hands numb and can barely them. Probably the first thing that will happen is I become paralyzed.

Staring into her eyes she reaches down to grab my hand and lifts me up.

The softness of her hands is the first thing I notice. It is a feeling that is both alien and familiar, something that for the first time in a long time I have missed. I feel for the first time peace, she looks at me and I can see those same eyes that I remembered back in cave.

She turns to Pollux and says, "how far to the street?"

Pollux points above and I see the ladder against the wall. She walks towards it and begins to climb it. Right behind her is Pollux, Cressida.

Gale tells me go on that he is right behind me.

I nod and ascend the ladder and find a woman on the ground dead with an arrow through her chest.

We all gather there in the room right outside the utility room. I see the same style of sofa as in the other apartment. I sit down and look down at my hands. I can't feel them, so I start to rub them. The sensation is as nothing I have ever felt. It is like that feeling after I lost my leg. I look at it and can still see it and my mind registers that it is my hands but I cannot feel them. I pull at them and can feel the tingle of the pain.

_You won't win. I will kill what drives you before that happen._

"You aren't real." I mumble.

_I am as real as her feelings are for you._

I grab the nearby pillow and place it to my face. I scream as loud as I can.

After about ten minutes I look out from the pillow and see, Cressida walks over to Katniss and peeks out.

"Just as I figured," she says. "We are inside the perimeter. Security check points were place inside what the Capitol considered a safe zone."

Just the thought of that word and the shaking begins.

No, not again. I grab the pillow and try to pull it apart.

"Everyone come on, we have to keep moving. Grab a coat as we have to hide the uniforms." She says.

She hands me a coat and begins to dig in her pant pocket for something. When I see the key, I immediately pull away my restraints.

"No," I say. "Don't. They help hold me together."

"You might need your hands," says Gale.

"When I feel myself slipping, I dig my wrist into them, and the pain helps me focus." I say.

They both look at me and finally they relent. They place a long black coat on and button them with my hands inside.

"No good, you will stick out like a sore thumb," Gale says.

"Just a thumb? That is good no?" I say trying to lighten the mood.

"Peeta, I am going to release one of your hands so that you can put on the coat and then relock them, okay?" Katniss says to me. "Please, trust me."

I look at Gale.

"Don't you forget your promise. You do it." I remind him.

I slowly stand up and lift up my hands to her. He grabs his bow and draws an arrow at me as Katniss approaches me with the key. She slowly moves toward the restraint and places the key in the restraint. I can hear the click and the restraint unlatches.

I move the free hands into the coat arms and then place both hands in front of her. She places the restraint on my wrists.

The clicking of the restraints goes on and finally everyone lets out a sigh of relief. I see Gale slowly place the bow down and I sit back down.

She moves to my boots and untie them.

"Need to put you into Capitol shoes," she says.

"As if the boots weren't comfortable enough." I say.

They tie the boots around my neck and place a scarf around my neck covering my mouth. They get another scarf and cover the restraints.

I look around and see everyone in coats. We begin to walk towards the downstairs. Everyone is trying to calm down.

"We are walking outside, stay close," Katniss says.

The door opens and we all casually walk out. The people around us are walking, some with their kids. They are angrily talking about the rebels. The cold weather sips through my clothes giving me a shiver.

We pass a block and quickly turn to the left. The houses in this area you can tell are much older. The style shows of a time even before the Capitol. White wooden shutters and a white fence, the lawns are manicured and there are even some with porches.

There is a small garden that we cut through. It is quiet and no one is walking in the following street. The following street has small neighborhood stores, just like the square in our district. There are some people but they just pay us no mind, as we walk towards a store.

The door opens and we are inside a fur store. It seems like no one has been here in a long time. I stay next to Katniss as Pollux and Gale walk around the store. They are more than likely checking for either customers or peacekeepers.

Cressida and Katniss move to the back of the store. I stand there and check the door just in anyone comes in. After a couple of minutes I hear Katniss.

"Everyone lets go." She says.

We all walk through a small tunnel and down some stairs. Finally downstairs we all look around. There are no windows and no other way out. I tap the walls and no echoes.

"Solid concrete," I say.

They remove the coats and place them on the floor to make a bed. Gale lies down and Katniss looks at his wound.

"Med kit? She asks.

Pollux hands her the med kit and she grabs a needle and thread. She may not believe it but she is a healer deep in her heart.

I look around and find that this time we have more people in our new cave. I can still see it, the stars in the night time. The sound of the stream and seeing her sleeping in the sleeping bag.

The memories of my hands caressing her face cause me to look down at my hands now. The cuts and bruising, can still remember when all I ever did was bake bread, and now almost every bone broken, everything has changed.

Just then I feel her hands grab my wrist. I take a deep breath and look up. She grabs a bottle of antiseptic and a towel. She moves the restraints up and begins to clean self inflicted cuts. After a couple of minutes I feel it. The thumbs on my palm letting me know something that I have missed. It is the same girl from the Seam that I fell in live with.

"You've got to keep them clean, otherwise the infection could spread and -" she begins to say.

The breadcrumb, the light in the darkness, everything that was stolen from me, is now being given back. We are not the same that we were back then, but like fate, some things you cannot change no matter what happens.

"Katniss I know what blood poisoning is, even if my mother is not a healer," I say.

"You said that same thing to me back in the first Hunger Games. Real or not real?" she says.

"Real," I say. "And you risk your life getting the medicine that saved me?"

"Real," she says. "You were the reason I was alive to do it."

The memory comes of the Hunger Games and it feels like she is telling me the truth, although I search for it and cannot find it. My body starts to tense up as the Capitol conditioning fights against it. Was I the reason that she was alive?

It is too much, and I can feel my body begin to shut down.

"I'm so tired Katniss," I finally confess to her.

"Go to sleep," she says.

"Do me a favor?" I ask.

"What?" she responds.

"I don't trust myself as I sleep, can you please remove one of the restraints and hook it to the stair support?" I ask. "That is the strongest place I could think of."

She looks at me. Her eyes, say what her mouth cannot yet. I know that she is sorry she left me behind, and I know that if it was up to her she would have gone back. She removes the restraints and hooks it to the support. With this I feel better and finally let myself fall asleep.

I can feel myself finally allowing her in. The fear that drives me away is slowly disappearing. Cannot explain it, but my body seems to fight it at every turn. It is exhausting always fighting never relenting. Every memory questioned, every action double guessed.

I can still see it happening. Mitchell trying to help me and me unable to stop myself from killing him. Everyone is dying and we are nowhere close to reaching the President's mansion. The safe zone can still be miles away from it. We have lost a lot of people along the way.

The thought of losing her has crept back in my mind. How could I handle it? This mission will surely not end the way we all hope. There is a pretty good chance that many more might be killed. There is a good chance that I might not make it back home.

I think of Annie, and how would she react? Finnick was her whole life, losing him would she be able to hold it together? Would I, if Katniss were to be killed?

The dripping sound wakes me up and I can see that everyone is finally getting up. From the look of it, it seems that there were no guards taking shift watching me, just a group of people exhausted by the day.

"I have something that I have to tell everyone," Katniss says walking over to me. She takes out the key and unhooks me from the stair supports and places it back on my wrist.

I walk over to the group and sit down. We all sit around her as she tells us that the mission was a lie. That Boggs didn't know anything about what she was planning. How she is sorry for putting everyone's life in danger.

"We have lost everyone, and all because of my blinded revenge of killing Snow, for all the hurt that he has caused me." She says.

I can feel the eyes turn to me, and I know that she meant me.

"It isn't his fault," she says. "It is mine."

"Katniss, we all knew you were lying about Coin sending you to assassinate Snow." Gale says.

"You knew, maybe. The soldiers from Thirteen didn't," she responds.

"Do you really think Jackson believed you had orders from Coin?" Cressida says. "Of course she didn't. But she trusted Boggs, and he'd clearly wanted you to go on."

"I never even told Boggs what I planned to do," she says.

"You told everyone in Command!" Gale interrupts. "It was one of your conditions for being the Mockingjay. 'I kill Snow.'"

"But not like this," She says. "It's been a complete disaster."

"I think it would be considered a highly successful mission," Gale says. "We've infiltrated the enemy camp, showing the Capitol's defenses can be breached. We've managed to get footage of ourselves all over the Capitol's news. We've thrown the whole city in chaos trying to find us."

"Trust me, Plutarch's thrilled." Cressida adds.

"That's because Plutarch doesn't care who dies," she says. "Not as long as his Games are a success."

I sit and just watch them. They are all making very valid points but no one is bringing up the most important one. The effect she has on people. She has always told me that my words can move a crowd. She doesn't realize that my words are only a result of her inspiration. I may have before the Capitol tortured me been able to speak, and move people, but she has done more than I could ever, she has caused an entire rebellion.

She brought even the Capitol people to fight for her in the first Games. The very thought of our supposed romance caused something that has never happened before in the Games, a rule change. Two Victors instead of just one.

She has inspired hope to those who believed that it could never happen. That we could be finally free.

"What do you think, Peeta?" she asks me.

"I think…you still have no idea. The effect you can have." I say. "None of the people we lost were idiots. They knew what they were doing. They followed you because they believed you could really kill Snow."

She looks at me and knows that I am telling her the truth. She knows that deep down if anyone could get close enough to do this, it would be her.

She pulls out the map and asks Cressida where we are in relation to the President's Mansion.

"We are five blocks from the City Circle and the Mansion," she says.

Only five blocks. It seems like a short distance, but when we get to the City Circle, what then. It isn't like President Snow would be out in the open, just waiting for us. If they are going to concentrate their forces it would be there. Who knows how many Peacekeepers we would encounter? If we had some way of getting reinforcements, probably, but with just Katniss and Gale as the ones who can shoot an arrow, we would have to come up with another strategy.

The old drunk man would come handy right about now.

"What we need is to get him out in the open," Gale says. "Then one of us could pick him off."

"Does he ever appear in public anymore?" I ask.

"I don't think so," Cressida responds. "At least in the recent speeches I've seen, he's been in the mansion. Even before the rebels got here. I imagine he became more vigilant after Finnick aired his crimes."

"I bet he'd come out for me," she says. "if I were captured. He'd want that as public as possible. He'd want my execution on his front steps." She says.

She doesn't know what he is capable of.

"Then Gale could shoot him from the audience."

"No." I say. "There are too many alternate endings to that plan. Snow might decide to keep you and torture information out of you."

More than likely it wouldn't be for information. He never tortured me for information; he did it just because he wanted to let me know that he could. I may have gotten a taste of what he would do to her if he ever had the opportunity to do it.

"Or have you executed publicly without being present. Or kill you inside the mansion and display your body out front." I continue.

"Gale?" she says looking for validation to what I just said.

"It seems like an extreme solution to jump to immediately," he says. "Maybe if all else fails. Let's keep thinking."

We hear the footsteps and the door closing. It may be closing time. After a couple of minutes we hear the sliding of a wall and her voice from the upstairs.

"Come up, I have some food for you." She says.

We make our way upstairs and I hear that Cressida is asking her.

"Did you contact Plutarch, Tigris?"

So the little old lady's name is Tigris. I catch a look at her and see that she has had many alterations done to her face. She actually looks like a cat.

"No way to," she says. "He'll figure out you're in a safe house. Don't worry."

We all sit on the ground and she gives us bread, cheese and mustard.

"Tigris, we do have some food left, we know that many people have to ration their own food. We don't want you to sacrifice food for us." Katniss says.

"I eat next to nothing, and then only raw meat," she says.

We eat and watch the Capitol news coverage.

"Good evening people of the Capitol. After hours of searching we can say with some certainty that the Terrorists seen here in surveillance footage shot a couple of days ago are still at large." The reporter says.

They show the five pictures that they were able to capture through the footage, Katniss, Gale, Cressida, Pollux, and myself.

"There are rewards for information leading to the capture of these five known terrorists. The amount is listed below for each of the five terrorists. Should you see anything or hear anything please report and do not approach these individuals as they are considered armed and extremely dangerous." She continues.

That is a considerable amount for just the information.

"This happened just yesterday as a poor woman was killed in her home. You can still see the arrow coming from her chest." The reporter says.

"Should have pulled the arrow," Gale says. "At least we would have one more arrow."

The Capitol seal comes on and then fades out.

"Have the rebels made a statement today?" she asks Tigris.

She shakes her head no.

"I doubt Coin knows what to do with me, now that I'm still alive." Katniss says.

"No one knows what to do with you, girlie." Tigris responds chuckling.

After eating we all go back downstairs and continue to try to come up with plans on how to complete the mission. There are many ideas but none that doesn't end up with close to all of us dying in the process. After agreeing on anything but a plan we all just had enough for today and decide to begin to get ready for bed.

Katniss walks over and checks my bandages. She re-hooks me back to the stair support and walks over to Gale to check on his bandages. After a couple of minutes I see her finally going to sleep. It has been tough for her having to re-live the moments of losing people that she loved.

We all slowly fall asleep. First Cressida, and Pollux, then Katniss, finally Gale and as I fall asleep I could only think of the idea of losing her. It is something that I haven't really let myself go into, because I know that the nightmares all stem from that.

The fire crept up on my feet. I can feel it. I see the district burning again and find that the same nightmare of my family dying has come back to haunt me. This time I don't help the old man but run towards the bakery. It is no use as this time I am unable to get into the bakery to save them. It seems that no matter how much I try, they will always die in my dreams.

I am startled back awake and find that I see Gale sitting on the wall looking up towards the ceiling.

"Couldn't sleep?" I ask.

"No," he says. "Nightmares?"

"Every night." I say.

"Can't be easy to have to deal with every night." He says.

"There are only a handful of times when I didn't have any. Most of them I know are not real, but some. Some really…" I start.

"Probably why you hardly sleep?" He says.

"It isn't the nightmares that keep me up; it is the fact that I never know what will come into my head." I say. "Most of the times it is about Katniss dying and me not being able to save her."

There is dead silence, as I know that although we have come to tolerate each other, we both are in love with the same girl.

He stands, grabs a water bottle and asks if I wanted some water.

I nod and he comes over to me and slowly pours water down my open mouth.

"Can't be comfortable sleeping like that," he says.

"It is the only way I know she will be safe." I say.

"You really make it hard to not like you, you know." He says.

"Thanks for the water," I say.

"No problem," he says. "I wake up ten times a night anyway."

"To make sure Katniss is still there?" I ask.

"Something like that," he says.

The last time she wanted to do something, she drugged me so I know what it is like to have to wake up to make sure she hasn't spared everyone by leaving us all behind. If she had a better plan, I know she would have left us and try to do it, herself.

"That was funny, what Tigris said. About no one knowing what to do with her."

"Well, _we _never have," Gale says.

We both let out a half chuckle. That is the truth. Even when we think we have figured out, she does something that causes us to scratch our head and think, now how can I respond to that?

"She loves you, you know." I say. "She as good as told me when they whipped you."

"Don't believe it," he says. "The way she kissed you in the Quarter Quell…well, she never kissed me like that."

"It was part of the show," I tell him.

"No, you won her over. Gave up everything for her. Maybe that's the only way to convince her you love her." He says.

You can tell from his voice that this isn't an easy thing to admit. The way his voice cracks at the end, you can only make out that he is holding back the tears.

"I should have volunteered to take your place in the first Games. Protected her then." He says.

I have to think about it for a little. If he had volunteered, his family and hers would have never made it through the Games. Who would have hunted for them? It was months away from home, and really no one of knowing how the games would have gone.

Would the Capitol fall in love with Gale and his long love for Katniss? Would they have done the same thing, and requested a rule change so that both of them could live. He would have never left her side. Why did I leave hers?

The rock.

I slowly remember, Cato running after her. The rock that I threw at him. Her comment last time about her being alive because of me was because I challenged Cato after the Tracker Jacker nest fell on us. Gave her enough time to escape.

Would he have done the same thing? A pair of hunters? Who knows. The only thing that would have been important to her is that her family was to survive.

"You couldn't," I say. "She'd never have forgiven you. You had to take care of her family. They matter more to her than her life."

"Well, it won't be an issue much longer. I think it's unlikely all three of us will be alive at the end of the war. And if we are, I guess its Katniss's problem. Who to choose." Gale says yawning. "We should get some sleep."

"Yeah," I say. "I wonder how she'll make up her mind."

"Oh, that I do know. Katniss will pick whoever she thinks she can't survive without." He says.

He closes his eyes, and finally goes to sleep. I stay awake a little bit longer thinking about what he said.

The locket.

The pictures of her family.

That is all that means the world to her.

I have always wanted her to have a life with Gale back in the Quell. She deserves happiness. It wouldn't be Katniss's problem. I wouldn't let it. If we were to survive this, I would want her to be happy.


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter Twenty One

My mind wanders from place to place and from dream to dream. The rock feels oddly familiar and I look around. The birds are singing and the sun is finally rising. I can hear the water rippling nearby and know that where I am is a place that I have hidden away from the Capitol.

I can see it. The house by the lake. The way the light dances on the water. The trees all want to dive into the water so they all hang towards it. It is calm and I can see the mountains in the far. Smoke coming from the chimney and I know that she is there.

I walk a little bit quicker, not wanting to miss a single minute with her. These are the moments in my life where there are no nightmares, they is no pain.

The little house looks just like I remembered it. It is the only place where I know how to be myself. She is there on the porch sitting on the bench, sipping a hot tea.

"Where have you been?" She asks.

"Sorry, I was um, detained." I say.

"I have missed you." She says. "Come sit with me."

She stretches out her hand and I reach for it. Like a puzzle, our hands fit together. I sit next to her. She has this beautiful smile that brings me to ease.

I sit down.

"So what new adventures did you today?" I ask her.

"Today I went out and shot a deer," she says. "skinned it and cut up the meats."

"That is wonderful," I say. "You know one of these days you really have to teach me how to shoot."

"One day," she says.

I sit there with her, watching the sun set. It begins to hide behind the trees and the different pattern rays reflect on the lake. It makes for a perfect end.

"You know we cannot keep doing this," she says to me.

"I know." I say. "Can we just spend this last day together?"

"Sure," she says.

"So what was that you said, how you missed me?" I say.

She start to laugh and looks at me.

"Don't give up on me." She says.

"Well tomorrow, we are going to go into the very pit of hell. Any suggestions?" I ask,

"Here is some advice." She starts.

We both know what is coming so we both smile and say it at the same time.

"Stay alive."

We laugh about it for a couple of seconds.

"How is the old man?" she says.

"Still grumpy, now even grumpier that he is not drinking." I say.

"How am I handling it?" She says.

"Don't know, you have always been a hard person to read." I say. "I have missed you though."

She smiles and looks out to the sunset.

"It is almost time," she says.

"I know," I say. "Don't forget me."

She leans in and presses her lips on mine.

"Never," she says. "Goodbye."

A tear runs down her cheek and I place my hand there to catch it. She closes her eyes and presses her face into my hand.

I close my eyes.

The dripping sound starts and I know where I am. I slowly open my eyes and see the four walls. Everyone is still sleeping, the first thing I notice is that Gale and Katniss never let go of their weapons. Even in this close quarters room, where an arrow cannot possibly be used they always hold onto it.

'Katniss will pick whoever she thinks she can't survive without.'

My father once told me that a person could only be with another if they know the one thing that you bring that no one else can. I know I should have asked her that before I woke up.

I close my eyes as I hear them begin to wake up. We all get up and hear that Tigris has breakfast ready for us.

We climb up the stairs and watching a rebel televised break in broadcast. It seems that they started to send unman cars into the streets to activate the pods. It did work for a while until they started remotely operating them.

A lot of good soldiers died before we ever finished our breakfast. War was never a good idea. We have to find a way to end it.

"I bet its killing Plutarch not to be in the control room on this one," I say.

We all hearing people walking by, so we slowly move to the windows and see people that were evacuated from the houses of specific blocks. People walking in their pajamas, with kids still groggy from their sleep.

"I will go out and see what is going on," Tigris says. "Since I am the only one that doesn't have a dollar sign onto of her head."

We all go back downstairs and simply just wait. Wait to hear back from Tigris. The hours being stuck in a small room begins to work on the nerves of many people who are not use to it. I close my eyes and breath in and out.

I see Katniss pacing back and forth.

"It helps if you think about other things," I say to her.

"All I can think about is what if Tigris got captured. How long do we wait until we have to venture out?" she says.

"That isn't going to help you," I say. "I spent weeks in a small cell, no light, no one to talk to, the silence gets to you unless you can disconnect yourself from it."

She walks over to me.

"Did I ever tell you about that little house by the lake?" I say.

She looks at me, a little surprised.

"You remembered?" She says.

"My father told me once, that to never let them change who you are, who you are inside. Who we are, is the last piece that they should never have." I tell her.

"I don't understand," she says.

"The little house by the lake, was the one place that I was myself, and I never let them take it from me." I say. "So every day I would go there just to escape."

She looks at me, not sure of what to say.

I grab her hands and just to remind her that I remember most of it, I softly caress the top of her hand. To let her know that it is okay.

We talk about the little house and how it would look. The porch that I now placed there seems like a good idea.

We hear the door upstairs and realize that Tigris has come back. The whole time talking to her about the little house by the lake and time just went by. The wall slides and we hear Tigris tell us that she has food and information for us.

We all walk up the stairs and can smell the delicious food.

"Chopped ham and potatoes." She says.

"How wonderful Tigris thank you so much," Cressida says. "Must have been hard to get."

"Found an old Capitol official that remembered me from the Games," she says. "We talked about the good old days of the Games and she saw the coat that I was wearing."

You can see from the shivering in her hands that she walked without a coat back to her house. She must have traded it for the meal. When posed with such a dilemma, either die of starvation or exposure. Starvation takes time to kick in, while exposure you can die of that day.

"The displaced Capitol people from the evacuations are actually being placed with existing families whether they want to or not." Tigris continues.

We watch the television in between and Tigris points out that the new rules were going to be broadcasted today.

"Citizen's of the Capitol, with the recent evacuations of the outer streets, we must make room for our fellow citizens in the inner streets of the safe zone. Tonight the temperatures will drop to below freezing and President Snow expects everyone to not only be willing to take in evacuees but be enthusiastic hosts in this time of crisis. Our President himself has opened his home and will begin to receive refugees tomorrow. Any business owners will be required to take refugees in their floor space if requested." The head Peacekeepers says.

"Tigris, that could be you," I say.

"We must remain calm in this transition. Any sightings you might think you see of the five terrorists please report them, and do not approach them. We want to avoid any misidentification, which is what occurred today after a Capitol citizen was beaten to death because of his strong resemblance to Peeta Mellark." He continues.

The picture of the poor young man is shown on the television and well to be honest, he doesn't look anything like me. Apart from the hair color he really doesn't have any resemblance.

"People have gone wild," Cressida adds.

There is a map shown of where rebel forces are currently.

"Line C is only four blocks from here," Katniss says as see sees that everyone is done eating.

Tigris begins to grab the dishes when Katniss says "Let me wash the dishes."

"I'll give you a hand," Gale says collecting the plates.

It reminds of something that happened in the arena. It was the day before everything went crazy, before my life turned upside down.

She asked me to come to the water to learn how to swim. It was the only way she could get us away from the group. It was the day she told me that we should separate from the group. It was the day that I told her after Beetee's plan. I should have gone with her plan and left before.

They walk towards the kitchen with the plates and I know that this is where they will plan their separation of the group.

It does make sense. With the coming threat of refugees and more Peacekeepers in the streets, this would be the perfect opportunity to finally separate.

They walk back to the group and we walk downstairs to our little cave underneath the store of the only woman that would take us in. This is where everything will be settled and everything is said.

"We have come up with a plan." She says. "With the incoming refugees it is time that we move on from Tigris's store."

"The only thing that we have to decide," Gale continues.

"Is me," I finish his sentence.

"Yes, we have come up with the plan that you would stay here with our rations of food, until the mission is completed." He says.

"Sounds like a good plan," I say. "I agree that I am more of a liability to the group if I stayed. Although it would be best if I go out on my own."

"To do what?" Cressida asks.

"I'm not sure exactly. The one thing I might still be useful at is causing a diversion. You saw what happened to that man who looked like me," I say.

"What if you…lose control?" Katniss says.

"You mean…go mutt? Well, if I feel that coming on, I'll try to get back here," I say.

"And if Snow gets you again?" Gale asks. "You don't even have a gun."

"I'll just have to take my chances," I say. "Like the rest of you."

Gale looks at me and knows what I am trying to do. I am removing myself for the choices she has to make. There will be a moment where if she would have to make the decision on who to save, that she makes the right one.

Her future is with him.

He takes out the nightlock pill from his breast pocket and places it in my hand.

"What about you?" I ask.

"Don't worry. Beetee showed me how to detonate my explosive arrows by hand. If that fails, I've got my knife. And I'll have Katniss." Gale says smiling. "She won't give them the satisfaction of taking me alive."

I look at it, at what he is saying. It is his way of saying thank you that he understands what I am trying to do. I know that he will protect her or die trying. He finally understands that.

I feel her hand close the open hand with the nightlock.

"Take it, Peeta," she says. "No one will be there to help you."

I nod and we all retreat to our separate little areas to go to sleep.

Nightmares are all that await us. Each one, be awoken by the others nightmares. It feels like the day before the arena, and that is never good night. After the second nightmare, I make it a point to stay awake. I see Pollux and how he twitches as he sleeps. Probably remembering some nightmare from the underground. I still don't know how he could have survived five years and never been able to see the sun or now what time it is. I guess sooner or later you either will yourself to survive or don't.

The morning breakfast no one really talks because we all know that soon they will leave and I will have to go out on my own.

Tigris comes and starts to redress us and cover our faces with makeup. She takes the next hour to get us just right and when we are done, we look exactly like the Capitol refugees. I look at the mirror and marvel at the work that Tigris does.

"Never underestimate the power of a brilliant stylist," I say.

She smiles and pats me on the arm. We all come to the front door and can see that the refugees are coming in many packs.

Tigris looking for the right moment, unlocks the door and Cressida and Pollux walk out.

Katniss gets the restraint key out and unlocks them. I rub my wrists, as it has been a while since I have not been held captive. She places the key back in her pocket and finally looks up to me.

"Listen," she says. "Don't do anything foolish."

"No. It's last-resort stuff. Completely," I say.

She wraps her arms around me and for a second I hesitate before I wrap my arms around her. She feels warm and I know that this is her way of saying goodbye.

"All right, then." She says letting me go.

"It's time," Tigris says and both Gale and she disappear in a group of refugees.

I walk over to the doorway and place my hand up to the door frame to hold myself up. Thank you so much for never giving up on me. I lift my head and wipe away the tear.

"Something in my eye," I say.

"Yes, something in your eye," she repeats. "Here comes the next group. Ready?"

I nod and she says "go."

I walk out and find that I am surrounded by families that are walking towards the City Circle. The little kids crying wishing that they were home, only to be told that their home is gone.

We come to the end of the alley and onto the main avenue.

"Stay to the right!" A peacekeeper tells our small little crowd. I bury my face deeper into the scarf trying to hide everything about me. We are pass one block and can just make out the City Circle, when I hear the first gun fire.

I can see as people begin to run towards the building. Capitol refugees falling to the ground. I try to make out where she is, but there are too many people. I start to run for the Capitol Circle and find that the shooting is coming from the roof tops. The snow makes it difficult to see who is firing but I can tell from their intended target that it is the Rebel.

Peacekeepers begin to fill into the street and take aim at the rebels on the rooftop.

I can hear the screaming and immediately begin to remember the nightmare of the little girl in the red plaid dress dying from a gun shot. I can feel the shaking coming and know that if I cannot calm down then it will be for nothing.

The diversion. I think to myself. The rebels are making that easy for me, there is no need for me to disclose who I am. I run down an alley and find that a Peacekeeper is there fighting off a rebel. When I finally get to them, the Peacekeeper has shot the rebel and is standing over him.

Quickly I pick up the brick lying on the ground and smash his head in with it. It is quick and no one notices as I put the Peacekeeper into nearby garbage bin.

I check his supplies and take the extra clip and gun from him. The knife from the rebel, and I am running back onto the main avenue.

The gunfire that ensues has us pinned. The Rebels on the block that intersects and the army of Peacekeepers from the other side. I stop and break into the nearby store. It is empty.

I take out the paper map that we had, and find that I am only two blocks from the City Circle. If they are going to be anywhere, that would be the place. Knowing them, they would continue to mingle with the refugees as far as possible.

Have only moments to make a plan. What to do? The pounding of my heart becomes more evident in the silence of the quiet store. I start to shake, and know that the episode has to be controlled.

"Think…of…her…" I say out loud.

The images come into my mind of her. The train and the nightmares that disappear whenever she is in my arms.

My muscles all tense up and I can feel that it is not working.

"Fight…it…" I continue to say.

I look around and see that I am in a clothing store. It begins to spin and can feel that if I don't hold it together I will pass out soon enough.

I stand to my feet, and hear the gun fire getting closer. I would have to make my move now. I stand and finally make my way back to the door. The crowds have lessen, either they are shot dead on the street or have made it to the City Circle.

Everything is going crazy, people are rushing the gates of the President's Mansion trying to force their way in. I see a crowd and follow them to the gate.

"The rebels! The rebels!" someone shouts behind me. I am just at the gate when I see her to the left climbing a flagpole.

"Katniss!" I yell out, but she doesn't hear me. I start to climb the fence and that is when I see it. A hovercraft appears and silver parachutes begin to fall. There are little children behind the fence grabbing at the parachutes.

Turning my face to see her, I feel a rush of pressure coming on my right hand side. Everything goes black as I feel my body thump on the ground.


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter Twenty Two

Swirls of red, orange, and yellow fill my mind. What could it be? I feel as if I was thrown and landed hard on the ground. Thinking about it causes too much pain. I try to breath and it is hard to do so. Could it be that I have broken ribs.

Can still feel the wet grass on my face, did I land on the lawn? Last thing I remember is holding onto the gate of President's Snow mansion and then smelling grass, wet grass.

Don't remember anything else after that. The next thing I can hear is beeping, noises. I slowly open my eyes and can see white light. No details, just a bright light. I hear muffle sounds and all of the sudden I start to see the blurred vision coming into focus. The white light now forms into a circular light fixture.

I can barely make out the noises.

"What?" I say.

"Doctor, he is coming to," I finally hear someone say.

All of the sudden I see a flash light that goes into my eyes. The light flicks to the side and then come back.

"Possible signs of concussion." I hear.

"What?" I say. "Is going on?"

"Peeta, can you hear me?" I hear a voice say.

The light starts to fade and can hear the beeping going quicker to a constant beep. A white flash and I see him, sitting on a bench. There is nothing around him, no trees, nothing. There is no even a sky or ground. It is like the bench is floating in nothingness.

I look down and see that my wrists are completely healed. White shirt, pants, and shoes. What is going on?

I walk towards the bench and see him. From behind, I still know him anywhere.

"Papa," I say.

He turns and smiles.

"Am I dead?" I say.

He nods his head no.

"What happened?" I ask.

"Come sit, so much to go through, in so little time." He says.

I reach out and touch him, unsure if he is real or not. When I feel that I can touch him, I grab him and hug him. I have missed him so much. We have talk very few times since I learned that he had died. I always wanted to let him know that I was okay. He never knew seeing the arena being blown up if I was okay. The next thing he probably saw was the hovercrafts bombing the District. All those times we just sat there on the steps of the bakery, saying hello to everyone who walked by.

He laughs and says "Hey, I missed you too son."

After about a couple of minutes that I wish I could turn into hours he pulls me back and looks at me.

"You have to go back son," he says. "You have your whole life to live. You cannot give up. She needs you now more than ever." He says.

"I am so tired Papa," I say. "She has Gale, She doesn't need me."

He shakes his head no.

"She needs you," he says. "You remember that time when I told you that you have to give the one thing that no one else can?"

I nod.

"Well you have done that, but she needs you son." He says. "If you give up now, she won't make it."

It will be hard to live my life without his advice but I know that he is proud of me. He always told me this; he always told me that he loved me. I never had any doubt in my heart of how he felt. No matter what I did or how many times I failed, he would always tell me that he was proud of me, and not my accomplishments.

"Okay," I say as I embrace him again. "I love you."

"I know, son. I love you too." He says smiling.

The beeping sound becomes clearer, until finally my eyes begin to open again.

"Peeta, welcome back," Doctor Aurelius says. "We were afraid we were going to lose you."

"Can't go just yet, haven't finished my treatment," I say hoarsely.

He begins to laugh. "Always the optimist. "

"You are lucky to even be alive." He continues. "The blast killed many."

"What about…what about…" I try to say.

"She is fine, the proximity of the blast actually spare her the most." He says.

"Where am I?" I ask. "The ceiling tiles don't remind me of District Thirteen."

"Capitol hospital," he says. "Easier to tend to the wounded here than having to fly them back to District Thirteen."

"So we won?" I ask,

"Just about," he says.

I look down and find that bandages are all over my arms and chest. Doctor Aurelius sits down and tell me all the things that I cannot remember. The bandages are for the third degree burns that I have over seventy percent of my body. The blast came from the silver parachutes that exploded. A second charge exploded on a delay timer. The first blast sent me flying, while the second one burned me. He tells me that many small children died night.

The peacekeepers that were loyal to the Capitol and President Snow stopped fighting when they saw this and laid down their guns.

"We lost many of our first responders, who were tending to the wounded when the second blast went off." He says looking away.

Something about the way he said and I know something is wrong. It is the feeling you get when someone doesn't want to tell you about someone dying. It was the same thing when they finally told me about my family dying. There aren't that many nurses or doctors walking around.

"Doctor, where is Prim?" I ask.

He looks at me and says nothing. The silence almost confirms what I knew in my heart had occurred.

The pain in my heart begins to overwhelm me.

He shakes his head no.

"No," I begin to say. "No, not her. Please, not her."

The sweet little girl that loved the pink cupcakes was gone. She wasn't supposed to be there. Why was she there? It doesn't make any sense.

"Katniss!" I yell out, "Please let me see her; I have to know that she is okay."

"Peeta, you need to calm down," he says. "We will take you to her,"

I know what it is like to lose someone you love, but to lose someone you base your purpose on, how can you recover?

I nod and have to hold back all the tears and all the pain until after I see her. Have to make sure that she is okay.

I try to get up from the bed and find that all my energy is gone, and every single muscle hurts. Bone, muscles, everything just hurts. I have to grab myself on the railing in order to not pass out.

"Easy," he says. "You did get blown up twice, and suffered severe burns. We can do miracles here but you body still needs to heal."

They bring a wheelchair over to the bed and slowly help me into it. They wheel me through the hallways. I can still see the soldiers in agonizing pain, yelling for relief. You see other soldiers learning how to change bandages and help alongside the very few nurses that are basically the doctors now.

We finally get to her room and I can that she is bandaged just as bad as me. She has her eyes closed, and I can overhear the nurse saying that they had to increase the morphling dose to help with the pain. Also had to place her under sedation to let body heal. They place me next to her, and I can't help but to start to cry. I reach out and grab her hand.

"Katniss," I say. "I am sorry."

I move her hair from her face, softly caressing. Who could have figured it would end like this? In my mind it was only yesterday that I held her in my arms and said our goodbyes.

I struggle to stand up.

"Peeta," Doctor Aurelius says.

"I am okay," I say. "Just need to do something."

The pain that I feel is nothing compare to the pain that she must feel. I lean in and kiss her on her forehead. With that I lower myself to the wheelchair, and begin to cry again.

"It is okay, Peeta," Doctor Aurelius says.

"Does this look okay to you? Does anything that happened look okay to you?" I say. "Take me to my room."

"Nurse increase the morphling," Doctor Aurelius says.

The pain medication knocks me out for I think a day or two. When I finally come to I see her sitting in a chair. It is the one person I wish I didn't have to see. She lifts her head and walks over to me. The tears start to come out immediately.

She leans in and wipes them from my cheek.

"I am sorry," I say.

She shakes her head no.

"It isn't your fault." She says.

I close my eyes and nod my head no.

"I know you loved her. It isn't your fault." She says.

This senseless war, has rob us of everything that we hold dear. Rob of us friends, family, and love ones that is too much to bear.

We cry together for a while. I only knew her for a little but this was her mother. She had lost her daughter. She holds me like a mother would hold her son, and I can't but to place my arms around her and cry out all the emotions and all the pain. It had been almost three years and in that, I have seen the horrors that no one should have to.

When it was all said and done she says.

"Your parents would be extremely proud of you,"

All I can think of is say to say thank you. She stands and smiles as best as she could, her pain still there and her mourning still ongoing. She walks outside.

After a day or so, they remove the bandages and I see for the first time the burn marks. The new skin looks pink against my white skin, it looks like the scares I had in the Quell. They bring me a mirror and I stand there looking at myself. It almost seems like flames being painted on my body. It stretches from my hip and up my neck crosses my face and up around one eye where it finally ends near my forehead.

Missing one eye brow. Well don't think any stylist would be able to cover this up. They hand me a grey uniform.

"Snow has been tried and found guilty," Doctor Aurelius says.

"Will she be the one to carry out the execution?" I ask.

"No clue," he says. "Seems like you have taken a hold of your treatment."

"Not really, I spend nights fighting it. It is exhausting." I say.

"Well we are coming up with some new treatments and it looks promising although we are only in the testing phase and trials won't be available just yet." He says.

"Something to look forward to," I say. "Small progress is still progress."

He looks at me and says that I have come a long way. That although the journey is still not done, that soon enough with practice I can completely control it.

"You are being released today, in time for the execution. There is a room being prepared for you in the President's mansion along with the other Victors." He says.

Rebel soldiers come and show me the way. This time they are not keeping as prisoner but actually come and shake my hand with smiles on their faces. They say that for the first time they can taste what true freedom is like.

I can still remember the grand engagement party that was held here. It was almost a year ago, and now the same marble flooring doesn't seem so grand. The rebels walk me to my room and ask if I needed anything. I ask to see if they could locate Soldier Everdeen for me. They ask through a radio and find that Soldier Everdeen is in prep and will be available shortly.

I nod and walk inside.

I sit on the edge of the bed and just think about all that has happened. Could it be finally finished? Was it all worth it? Walking towards the door, I test the door knob and find that it is not lock. Walking down the hallway, it seems so empty. All this, will the execution of one man bring back the millions he has killed?

What do you then? How do you find justice in all this? I walk out to one of the Gardens and find that there is relatively no damage anywhere to the mansion. I see a bench and walk over to it. I sit down and can see the sunlight peeking through the clouds. The cold air hurts to breath in, the cuts even more visible on the wrists.

"Soldier Mellark?" someone says.

I look around and see a rebel soldier with a clipboard.

"Please, just Peeta," I say.

"Okay, Peeta," she says. "Your presence is requested in the conference room. I have been asked to guide you there."

"Okay," I say.

Walk alongside her I ask, to a small room at the end of the hall. There are two rebel soldiers posted at the door. They move away from the door and when I walk in it is a small room with most of the remaining Victors who are still alive.

She sits there all alone, quiet and without any reaction. I walk over to her and kneel right next to her.

"Annie?" I say.

She looks over to me, with those intense green eyes look at me.

"I am truly sorry about all that has happened." I say.

"Thank you." She says. "You know he always thought you and Katniss would make it in the end."

She smiles and I grab her hands. I mouth the words thank you before I find my seat. Around the table is, Johanna, Enobaria, Annie, Beetee, and Haymitch. A couple of minutes pass and Katniss finally walks in with her bow around her shoulder.

She looks l just like I remember her. The makeup they place on her, gives this soft glow to it. Although she looks like she did back in the Games, you can tell by one look in her eyes that she is still struggling with everything. An inner battle that is occurring inside, that she is taking on all by herself.

"What's this?" she says.

"We're not sure," Haymitch answers. "It appears to be a gathering of the remaining victors."

"We're all that is left?" she asks.

"The price of celebrity," Beetee says. "We were targeted from both sides. The Capitol killed the victors they suspected of being rebels. The rebels killed those thought to be allied with the Capitol."

"So what's she doing here?" Johanna says towards Enobaria.

"She is protected under what we call the Mockingjay Deal," President Coin says entering into the room. "Wherein Katniss Everdeen agreed to support the rebels in exchange for captured victor's immunity. Katniss has upheld her side of the bargain, and so shall we."

"Don't look so smug," Johanna says to Enobaria. "We'll kill you anyway."

"Sit down, please Katniss," President Coin says. "I've asked you here to settle a debate. Today we will execute Snow. In the previous weeks, hundreds of his accomplices in the oppression of Panem have been tried and now await their own deaths. However, the suffering in the districts has been so extreme that these measures appear insufficient to the victims. In fact, many are calling for a complete annihilation of those who held Capitol citizenship. However, in the interest of maintaining a sustainable population, we cannot afford this."

Her cold calculated words bring a sharp memory back to my mind. Collateral damage. The people in the war were all collateral, she said. They were just a means to an end.

I start to question the reason why we are all here. Could it be that today she will kill of us all and that way she would no longer have anyone to oppose her?

"So, an alternative has been placed on the table. Since my colleagues and I can come to no consensus, it has been agreed that we will let the victors decide. A majority of four will approve the plan. No one may abstain from the vote," Coin says.

Something about this feels wrong. Whatever the plan is, no one could decide if that is a good idea?

"What has been proposed is that in lieu of eliminating the entire Capitol population, we have a final, symbolic Hunger Games, using the children directly related to those who held the most power."

It finally hits me, the evil that is in her heart. We rebelled because of this, and now they want to continue it. Was this what happened when the Dark Days ended. Did Capitol officials sit around a room like this and decide that have the Games. Did they vote? This is wrong. More children dying, no matter who they are, have no fault in themselves.

"What?" Johanna says.

"We hold another Hunger Games using Capitol children," Coin says.

"Are you joking?" I say.

"No. I should also tell you that if we do hold the Games, it will be known it was done with your approval, although the individual breakdown of your votes will be kept secret for your own security." Coin continues to say.

This plan, to tell everyone that we have agreed to this, is only to get the people against us. No one wants this. Not the people that I have known. The people from District Thirteen and Twelve cannot be okay with this. It is the very thing that the parents dreaded every year, and now who are we to become the judges of the guilty ones. Why would we not just punish them and not their children?

"Was this Plutarch's idea?" Haymitch asks.

"It was mine," Coin says. "It seemed to balance the need for vengeance with the least loss of life. You may cast your votes."

There stands before me not President Coin from District Thirteen, but a very young President Snow. The same thought process. The need for vengeance, satisfied with the death of children?

"No!" I yell. "I vote no, of course! We can't have another Hunger Games!"

"Why not?" Johanna retorts. "It seems very fair to me. Snow even has a granddaughter. I vote yes."

"So do I," Enobaria says. "Let them have a taste of their own medicine."

"This why we rebelled! Remember?" I say looking at all of them. "Annie?"

"I vote no with Peeta," she responds. "So would Finnick if he were here."

"But he isn't, because Snow's mutts killed him," Johanna says.

"No," Beetee says. "It would set a bad precedent. We have to stop viewing one another as enemies. At this point, unity is essential for our survival. No."

"We're down to Katniss and Haymitch," Coin says.

She looks directly at a rose that she brought into the room.

"I vote yes…for Prim." She says.

"Haymitch, it's up to you," Coin says.

"Haymitch, think about what we are doing." I say. "What fault did the children of the Capitol official have, only to be born? This is the same thing that we have had to deal with. What fault was it that you were born to your parents and selected for the Games? This is not the way."

"I'm with the Mockingjay," he says.

"Excellent. That carries the vote," says Coin. "Now we really must take our places for the execution."

The cycle continues and we are no better than the Capitol, no better than Snow. They move us from the room to the front of the President's mansion. We all sit the five Victors in a 'U' about ten yards or so from a post that had been secured on the terrace of the President's Mansion.

The crowd begins to shout and I see that Katniss has begun to walk towards us. She stops on a mark and turns. I can see the seriousness in her face. They bring out Snow shackled and tie him to the post. She removes the single arrow from her sheath and places it in the bow. She pulls back the arrow and lets it fly.

It is only seconds until it reaches it mark, President Coin's heart as she falls over the balcony and onto the ground dead.

The silence that comes from it couple only have been a couple seconds but in my mind everything turns into hours. Everything slows down. I am not going to lose her again.

"You are still protecting me," I say. "Real or not real."

"Real," she says. "That is what we do; we look out for each other."

I am out my seat before. Only a couple of feet and I see her begin to raise her left arm.

No. The nightlock.

I reach out and grab her shoulder as I feel her teeth sink into my hand. She looks at me straight in my eyes, unsure the reason why.

"Let me go!" she yells.

"I can't" I say.

The soldiers grab her and pull me away from her. The pill falls to the ground. She starts to thrash around trying to get free.

"Gale!" She yells. "Do it!"

I look around and find that he is no where to be found. Just then they grab me and place restraints on my hands. They drag me into the mansion as the crowd goes into hysteria. Once inside they cover my head with a blindfold.

Not again. I couldn't just sit there and lose her.

Finally I am thrown to the ground. A knee is place on my back and what I feel is the gun barrel to my head.

"Move and your dead." Someone says.

They remove the restraints and I can hear the door close behind me. I quickly remove the blindfold only to find that I am in a room that I have never been. All glass.


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter Twenty Three

Where am I? I look around and see that although it looks familiar it isn't the same. It is the same type of room in the Training Center but not the room that I was in.

I look around the room and find that there are no weapons, or anything that I can use to defend or to get out of the room with. I start to bang on the door, trying to get the attention of whoever was guarding me. If they are holding me, they are holding her, and who knows what sorts of torture they could have already started. She did kill the newly appointed President of Panem.

After a couple of hours the door slides open.

Guards point guns to me, they toss me restraints at my feet and ask me to slip on the restraints. I bend down and pick up the restraints. I slide them over my wrists.

"Tight," one says.

I click the restraints and then finally they move over to me. They take me to the elevator and then down the elevator. Was in the eleventh floor, so those rooms could have been Rue's or Thresh's.

We come to the downstairs and finally to the area where we trained. There is one table and one chair. Cameras are around the training room.

Where the Gamemakers sat now sit twelve people all in military uniforms.

"Soldier Peeta Mellark, please sit," One says.

I walk over to the table and sit down.

"We will come to order. One this day, we will begin all military tribunals on the docket. Representatives from all Twelve Districts are present for this hearing."

"Soldier Mellark," District One's representative speaks. "First order of business is the validity of your immunity agreement. With the assassination of our President, by Katniss Everdeen, there are some who are calling for the null and void of all Victor immunity." He says. "Your response for the record."

"Although immunity was not something that I sought it was something that was given. Should you feel that I am no longer given immunity I take full responsibility for my actions against Soldier Mitchell's death." I say.

"We will take into consideration the warning you provided District Thirteen on an imminent attack that had resulted in the savings of thousand of citizens." He says.

"Second order of business is your knowledge on the assassination of President Coin." District Four's representative states.

"She had no premeditation as nor did I." I say.

"Soldier, you are not here to discuss mental state for Katniss Everdeen." They interrupt.

"Excuse me, but I was not finished." I say. "If you are asking me these questions is because you are trying to accuse her of something that she had no fault in."

"You will answer the question for only you." They reiterate.

"Have you lost anyone you loved? How about have you lost your entire family? We have been through it both. Walk in our shoes, please. See the things that we have seen. Have your mind stolen from you and then you can speak to me on premeditation."

"Enough," District Four's representative states. "If you are innocent of these charges, then why does the video of the assassination shows that you were going to escape with her." She says.

"Each soldier in our platoon were given nightlock pills in case of capture. Katniss was trying to kill herself." I say.

"Shows intent no?" She says. "Of someone that has committed a crime."

"Of someone who wanted to die, yes. I have had many instances when I wanted to die. War does that to you." I say.

"So you were trying to stop her?" She asks.

"Life wouldn't be worth living if she wasn't in it." I say.

"We will take your comments into consideration," She says. "Thank you, you are excused."

Soldiers come behind me. I stand and walk out the training arena. The room where I am placed is in the cafeteria where I see other people there waiting for their own time to speak.

After two hours of deliberations an envelope is handed to me.

'Soldier Mellark, the council has concluded that your actions showed no premeditation and therefore, the immunity agreement continues to be valid. Release is pending completion of treatment..'

They walk me towards a waiting room where the remaining Victors are being held. Seeing how I was the only one that approach Katniss after she had shot the arrow, I was only one that was in jeopardy. All of the other Victor's immunity are still valid.

"You did good kid," Haymitch comes to me.

"What is going to happen to her?" I ask.

"Her tribunal is next, however she is not required to be present for it." He says.

"What is going to happen with the rebels." I ask.

"Paylor from District Eight was appointed President. She will be reviewing the case over after the tribunal makes their decision." He says.

"She didn't know what she was doing, Haymitch." I say. "She had just lost her sister, the reason why she was doing all this."

"Well a couple of people would be speaking on her behalf." He says. "We can only watch as we are not permitted to give testimony."

"Where is she?" I ask.

"No good, you won't be able to see her." He says. "Plutarch couldn't even get in to see her, and he was just appointed as Secretary of Communication if you can believe it."

I walk away from the spectacle that is this trial. It is all the workings of the Games, with the cameras, and the broadcasting. The fact that it is being held in the same training center where the Gamemakers gave out the scores. In the very same location where we all stayed prisoners in. I walk over to the elevator and the guards advised me that the floors are restricted. Must be where she is being held.

I walk over to a wall and just sit down on the ground. Finally everything begins to come to mind. After all that I did to protect her, and at the end I am powerless to save her. How can I come to terms with that? The last three years have always been about having control to protect her, or for her to protect me. Now that we have done all that we can, they can easily just kill her and I would have no way of saving her.

How can I fight all of Panem?

I cover my face with my hands and begin to realize that I could lose her.

I could see from where I am sitting the broadcast of the trial.

Doctor Aurelius is giving expert testimony on the state of mind that she was currently in. The effects of grief from the lost of a love one and the fact that no psychological tests were administered after the war was over. A District Thirteen protocol.

"How can we hold responsible the actions of this young girl, if we had not properly debriefed her to see if there were any psychological stress fractures. She could have easily mistaken President Coin for Snow." He says.

"Doctor look at the video in slow motion. Right before she releases the arrow, she tilts the arrow slightly up to compensate for a new target." One of the representative says.

"Our minds control our body, not our body control our minds. We as medical professionals did not follow proper protocols at the request of the government, papers signed by President Coin herself. Oddly enough, we also did not follow proper protocols when it came to release papers for Soldier Mellark which were oddly approved as well, when everyone in District Thirteen where psychological tests shown that he was not ready." He says. "Why could we not hold him responsible for his actions but we can hold her?"

There it is. Silence. It is the one good sign that has come out of the trial. With the acquittal of my actions due to torture by the Capitol, the same rules should apply for her as well. This is the one time that I am happy to have been tortured and considered crazy.

"Council, look at what we are faced with. We are requiring a mature outcome from children that were involved in trauma that we had not yet experienced. Because that is what they are, children. They came into the Games as children, and survived." He pauses and takes a sip of his water on the table. "If she was tortured by the Capitol would her actions be in question now? Well I tell you the truth, she was tortured by what she had to endure."

"Now we are to excuse all behavior because of war?" Someone asks.

"No, had she been given the proper treatment for the correct duration of time, she would have been able to not make or make this error in judgment. We simply denied her the ability to get better." He says. "She was the one who inspired us to believe that freedom could be possible, are we now going to deny her that same thing. I believe that freedom for her is possible too."

A pause in the training center everyone knows this to be true. Even the people who were talking in the cafeteria suddenly silenced their conversations and are now looking at the television. It is the truth that although she may not have had the intention of starting a rebellion that has now overthrown the Capitol, she did inspire people to fight for freedom. To defy those who have oppressed us for so long.

One of the representative clears their throat.

"Should we consider your scenario, how long would one need in order obtain some level of sanity to find premeditation and intent?" District Two's representative asks.

Doctor Aurelius opens a folder and begins to look over his notes. Finally after about five minutes he looks up and says.

"Her latest stress test, show that she would need extensive treatment so therefore best estimate would be Eighteen months before a proper assessment can be made." He says.

"A year and a half?" Someone says shocked.

"Well we could cut the time shorter however it would require that Katniss be in a place where she is comfortable and I do not think that a place like the Capitol Training Center where she started the trauma be a suitable place." He says.

"So where would you treat her?" District Two asks.

"Well if I was given this case and would request a different location, I would place her in District Twelve where she has the memories of a happier time." He says.

"Should we consider this, what else would she need?" She asks.

"There would be a need for monitoring of course. After all she is profusely knowledgeable on weapons, both conventional and unconventional. Though Rebel guards would not be the best. I would suggest that her previous mentor Haymitch Abernathy continue to the one to monitor her progress." He says.

"Monitor her progress?" One repeats. "Would you not be accompanying her should we grant this request?"

"Councilmen, it would serve me better to help assist the soldiers here in the Capitol. Seeing how the treatments are psychological there is no need for only verbal exercises. Appointed phone calls would serve best as a check in for Katniss and for treatment as well." He says.

They all move back from there desks and begin to weigh the options put before them. Should they deny the request, she would be tried and convicted. Her punishment would be death, although not public. The other would be imprisonment in either the Capitol prison or District Twelve.

"After considering your proposal and the fact that we cannot convict a person who is not mentally sound, we will allow your treatment to continue with Soldier Everdeen. The council will reconvene in one year in order to assess the mental status of Soldier Everdeen and if possible resume the trial." District One's representative says. "This tribunal therefore concludes for the time being."

I place my head down and look to the ground. I can finally understand what it would have been like for my father should I have never been selected for the Games. She is finally free, I did not lose her.

I stand up and walk towards Haymitch.

"See you in Twelve," he says. "Remember she still needs you."

He gets into the elevator and shoots up to the Twelve floor. Not knowing where to go, I sit back down in the training center cafeteria. I put my head on the table and finally after an hour or so, someone taps me on my shoulder.

"Ready to go?" Doctor Aurelius says.

I stand and hug him.

"Thank you, for saving her." I say.

"Peeta, she isn't out of the woods yet." He says.

"When can I go to see her?" I ask.

"We have to finish our treatment, so in a couple of weeks." He says. "Come."

We walk to an awaiting car and finally see that winter is in full swing. Snow covers the tops of the building and the roads. The grey sky reminds me of that day when I was chosen for the Games. It doesn't seem too ominous now. Although you cannot see it, behind all that gloom is the sunlight fighting to make its way in.

We drive a couple of minutes and then finally pull into a small apartment in one of the streets that was not affected by the rebels or the Capitol pods.

"Now I want you to know that all military devices have been removed from the street, there are no more pods on the street. The street has been cleared by rebel forces and we have re-checked using the Capitol central computer." He says reassuring me so that I do not flash back to that moment.

I slowly walk outside the car. The foot print that I leave on the fresh snow makes it seems like it is a track that I cannot hide. I tighten the coat around my face and walk up the steps to the front door.

He opens it, and I see the wooden floors and the fresh color paint on the walls. There is an ornamented wooden staircase that rises to the second floor.

"The new government has assigned this home to me, and you are my first live-in patient." He says. "Your room is upstairs to the left, and the room at the end of the hall is the studio. Downstairs to the end of the hall is my room, and in front is my office."

I nod and begin to walk up the stairs. The feeling of the smooth wooden banisters brings a sense of hope, that I could trust him because he fought for her.

"Dinner would be in an hour, if you wish to get refreshed there are clothes in the closet." He says.

Stepping into the room I find a very modest bed. A desk with paper. A window to the outside street and finally near the foot of the bed, buckets of paint, or all colors. A note sits on top of the paints.

'Thought you might want to have a say in what color your room should be. Doctor A.'

I sit down on the bed and finally lay down for a little bit. I stare at the ceiling and wonder if she finally made it to District Twelve. Does she feel safe. I think of her and worry about her.

"Dinner," I hear from the downstairs.

I walk over to the closet and see three white shirts, three blue shirts, and finally three green shirts. They are not of different fabrics, but simple button down cotton shirts. I slip off the grey rebel uniform and slip on the blue button down shirt. I roll up the sleeves and finally make my way downstairs.

"Now mind you, I am no Capitol chef but I think I can hold my own." He says.

It wasn't the best tasting dinner, but it was food.

The night sky looks empty without the stars there. There isn't even a moon out. It is just darkness, how far it stretches is anyone's guess.

We spend the next couple of days going through different treatments, from talking about memories I do remember and drugs that were being finally able to be tested. The painting helps, although all I can think about painting are the memories of pain. Not really pieces that would be hung in a gallery.

We watch President Paylor give her first address and how this is a time to heal, and come together truly as one nation. There are plans to rebuild connections to the District and to construct memorials on the past victims of the Hunger Games in the arenas.

"Tell me about her, why you feel so strongly towards her." He asks me in one of our sessions.

"It is hard to explain. But when I see her it is like I feel whole. It isn't like a mushy feeling, but an actual feeling of being complete. When I am not around her, I feel like something is missing, a hole somewhere that I cannot find." I say.

I grab a pencil and draw a circle.

"It is like this picture. I am the outside and she is the inside. When she is around me it isn't that she fills me in. It is that the boundaries of the circle disappear and there is no circle but just me." I say.

We have our good days when we talk about things that make me laugh and smile. Then there are other days when I have to apologize for breaking furniture and holes in walls.

Those days he has me repair or rebuild things that I broke.

"For every action you do, there is a reaction and consequence. You have to force your body to realize this so that you have control over it. Unless you like having to rebuild furniture and walls all the time." He says.

Everyday he spends at least an hour trying to get in contact with Katniss back home and it seems that she never answers the phone.

"Cannot continue to pretend to treat her if she doesn't answer the phone." He says. "Can you let her know that?"

I look at him, unsure of what he is saying. Don't want to assume anything and yet I want to assume what he is saying to be true.

"You mean," I start to say.

"Yes, your treatment is done and your release has been granted by the government." He says. "Your belongings have been packed and sent ahead of you to District Twelve."

"My belongings?" I ask. "I didn't know I had any."

"The paints and sketch materials." He says. "Not to mention clothes. Car will be here in about thirty minutes."

He places his hand out to shake it. I look down at it confused. I walk in and hug him like a friend would.

"Thank you for everything," I say. "For never lying to me, and for always wanting me to get better."

"Small progress, is still progress." He says.

The car ride over to the newly rebuilt train station couldn't go fast enough for my taste. The anticipation of seeing her is enough to wish that I could get on a hovercraft instead.

Hovercrafts are being used now to transport medical equipment and building materials to areas that need the most rebuilding. I walk onto to the train and into a room.

I spend the nights fighting nightmares of the days in the Detention Center. Other times I am dying in the stream bleeding from my leg. While there are other dreams of the cave and spending my last moments with her.

We stop to refuel and I can't help but think of the house on the lake. To see her waiting for me there in District Twelve. It is finally getting dark and the train just slides into the station.

Walking out onto the platform I see him walking towards the train station.

"We have to talk," he says.

"Good to see you too, Haymitch," I say.

We sit down on the bench on the platform. You can smell the alcohol on his breath.

"Look, she isn't doing too good," He says. "It is almost like she is trapped inside her own grief. She hasn't left the house since the last time I saw you. Wanted to prepare you for it."

I look at him, and find that all hope has left him.

"Haymitch," I say. "She is still in there."

He pats me on the shoulder.

"Well you always were fool weren't you?" He says. "Looking for the impossible."

"Only way I know how to live." I say and begin to walk to the Victor's village. when I see a little shop that is still open.

I walk inside the door and find that there is a little girl working the counter.

"Hello," she says. "help you find anything?"

"Oh hello," I say. "was looking for something, don't know what just yet."

I walk around the aisle. There are many different kinds all bagged and placed on the shelves. I look at each one of them, and nothing seems to call out to me. The little girl smile goes to a frown when she realizes that I did not find anything that interested me.

"You didn't find anything you liked?" She says.

"No," I say. "Wait, what is that in the back?"

In the back are three bags that are labeled to be thrown out.

"Those?" She says. "We found those this morning in the woods, mostly weeds, like dandelions."

Looking at the bag, I smile.

"Yes, those," I say. I dig into my pocket and find the small amount of money that Doctor Aurelius had given me.

The little girl goes to the back and drags the three bags to the counter. I hand her the money and the little girl looks at me puzzled.

"You look familiar." She says.

"I use to live around these parts, well until we had to move to District Thirteen." I say.

"I know, we had to move here from District Seven," she says. "My name is Lily, nice to meet you."

"Lily," I say. "Such a pretty name, my name is Peeta."

"If they don't survive you can bring it back and we can always exchange them for another." She says.

"I am pretty sure that it will survive." I say.

I place the three bags on my shoulder and walk outside. The sun is almost gone, and I start to walk towards the Victor village.

In the last couple weeks, there has been some rebuilding or homes and businesses. It is good to see that people are coming back to District Twelve.

As I turn the corner, I see her house. Lights are on and the chimney is going. Probably tomorrow, I say to myself as I walk towards my house. Finally reaching the door, I take deep breathe and walk inside.

Everything seems like I had left it that day before the announcement of the Quell.

The boxes of the paints were left in the living room, with a note to keep painting to help the treatment. I place the bags on the ground and walk over to the sofa. I lay down my head and think that I could probably just take a small nap before I have to get up. By the time my eyes re-open it is already morning, the birds are already singing and I feel the warm sun on my face.

I walk over to the bags on the ground and see them for the first time.

'Dandelions'

I walk outside with the bags and place them softly on the ground. The wheelbarrow is taken out with the dirt that I had previously bought and place the shovel in my hands. I wheel the barrow over to an area that I remember seeing them. I walk to the edge right before the fence and there I see it. I grab the shovel and begin to dig them carefully.

Walking over with the barrow I take a deep breath and begin to dig. The ground is still a little bit hard from the snow that has left a couple of weeks ago. After a couple of hours I hear the door open.

The first thing I notice is the intensity in her eyes.

"You're back," she says.

"Dr. Aurelius wouldn't let me leave the Capitol until yesterday," I say. "By the way, he said to tell you he can't keep pretending he's treating you forever. You have to pick up the phone."

She looks at me and pushes her hair out of her eyes.

"What are you doing?" she asks.

"I went to the woods this morning and dug these up. For her," I say. "I thought we could plant the along the side of the house."

Her eyes begin to water and I know that she is still in there. She turns and runs up the stairs. I walk over to the doorway and see that is coming back down the stairs with a vase of dried flowers. She runs over to the kitchen.

I walk inside and slowly walk to the kitchen. She stands there with a vase. She looks at me and smashes it on the ground.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you." I turn and begin to walk away, when I feel her arms come up my chest. I come to a stop and can feel her hands rest on my chest. I close my eyes and can feel her again. The circle disappears and for the first time in a while, I feel complete.

I lower my head and kiss her hand. She lets go and walks upstairs. I can see a smile on her face. I walk out of the living room and back to finish planting the Primroses.

"Fate is like love, you cannot stop loving her right? Even if you tried, even if she did the worst thing possible. So fate you cannot change it, as much as you want to, or if it looks the worst. If it is fated that you are going to be with her, then it will happen, no matter what."

END OF BOOK THREE

Thank you to all who have journey with me through the life of Peeta. Writing this has allowed me to experience his life through my eyes, and I hope that I was able to show you that through the writings.

As always thank you.

E.W.S.


End file.
